Page 43 of Has-Been
I dropped down on the bed, and rested my head in my hands.
“I can’t fucking believe this. How the hell did that thing even get in here?”
Elise grabbed my shoulder. “Has, it’s okay. It’s gone now.”
I felt the world crashing down onto my shoulders in that moment. There was no more time to hide from the truth I never wanted to fucking tell her.
She’d never want me once she knew. She’d be horrified, shocked, disgusted. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reaction anyone would have to what I’m about to say. Especially since, thanks to me, her first fucking sexual moments were now out there too, my own violation had become hers too in one fell swoop. I couldn’t seem to stop failing her.
“Babe, it’s not fucking okay, and it’s never gone. Once it’s out there, it just fucking stays out there. Trust me, I know.”
Elise
Icouldn’tbelievethatcamerahad been in his bedroom, and more than that, I was surprised that he didn’t know. I thought the videos of him online were his own doing, and I was starting to realise that it was something someone was doing to him. His reaction was exactly what mine had been; pure horrified mortification.
“You didn’t put that camera in here, did you?”
Has turned to stare at me in horror.
“What the… of course I fucking didn’t! This is my home. My sanctuary, why the fuck would I let that be spied on like that?”
I wriggled closer, trying to keep myself covered at the same time. Ice did warn that there could be other cameras, after all.
“Has… you mean the other videos… you-”
“Other videos?Fucking hell, tell me you haven’t fucking seen those!“ He stood up, practically pulling at his hair. “I can’t fucking believe this!”
I dragged the bedding around me, and struggled up from the bed, trying to follow him as he moved around with pure agitation.
“Has.”
“This whole time, I’ve been terrified, so fucking desperate for you not to see that shit, and you’ve seen it already? I’m fucking cursed. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Has!”
He stopped pacing, and tugging viciously on his dreads, his tortured eyes meeting mine at last, his horror breaking my heart. The poor man. This whole time I’ve been enjoying my clandestine dates with him via that porn site, and it was all something that was done to him.
“What?”
“Yes, I’ve seen them! I… Oh my god…I liked them.”
He blinked in a weird slow motion kind of way, and his mouth fell open. He looked like his brain had completely disconnected from his mouth, as his lips moved several times like he wanted to speak, but had no words. He started shaking his head slowly, still struck dumb by my words.
“Has… I found them hot.”
He pulled at his dreads again. “Fucking hell! I’ve been desperately trying to fucking stop that shit from getting out there, and not wanting you to see that side of me. To stop you from judging me for being such a fucking whore, and you… you liked them?”
I could feel my cheeks were scarlet at this point, but I wanted to ease his pain a little, even at the expense of myself, and there was only one way I could do that.
“I found them so sexy that I watched them often, Has, while I rode my fingers to orgasms that seemed so much more powerful than any others. Because it was you. Your face, your body, your voice. Your pleasure. Seeing that… I pretended it was me you were touching. Me you were using your mouth on, me you were licking, and touching, and fucking. When you were refusing to touch me, I was going online and getting off on the video version of you, because it was all I could have.”
Twenty-Eight
Whatthefuckwaseven happening right now?
How the fuck was it possible that she’d seen my unwilling porn? How much more fucked up was it that she got off on it? She got off on me fucking other women, and not only that, but she watched me with those other women, and made herself come.
“I feel like I’ve fallen down a fucking rabbit hole. You seriously saw that stuff, and it didn’t disgust you?”
