Page 18 of Torch
“It’s fine. Don’t mess him around just to suit me. For the record, he does seem to be a really decent guy, and I only think I should stay away now, because it’s obvious that my issues are worse at the moment, and that’s maybe because of my interest in him.”
“Can you explain that? What issues are you dealing with right now? Can we talk about those, and see if we can find some resolutions, or coping mechanisms?”
How to unpick a lifetime’s worth of damage? Yeah, unlikely.
“Let’s just say that I have a problem with mess, and disorder, and yesterday with Torch was both messy and disorderly.”
I reached for the water, pouring about a third of a glass, and placing the jug squarely back on its coaster.
“It was amazing, but yeah, after… after what we did, I kind of got caught up in my ‘issues’. He was pissed when he left, but I think he had every reason to be.”
I sipped at the water, and waited to see if Lissa would interject. Finally she sighed, considering her words carefully before she responded.
“In what way? Were you triggered by something you or he did? Was there an issue regarding-”
“He only did what I asked him to do, and that was perfect. Better than perfect, in fact. The issue was,” I sighed heavier than she had, because this was exhausting.
“The issue was that I couldn’t handle the mess after, and I needed to get clean, and clean everything, and I don’t think I made it clear what the problem was.”
“So Torch might think that you had a problem with him, or his actions, rather than-”
“Exactly. I don’t really want to talk about why I’m the way I am, is that okay? Let’s just say I have some difficulties with untidiness, things not being in their place, and not being perfect. I have to maintain that order, so that I feel in control.”
Lissa smiled, tucking her feet under her in her chair.
“It sounds like you’ve already had therapy regarding those issues. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?”
I shrugged. “Apparently my need to compartmentalise my thoughts extends to my surroundings. It works well, for a doctor, to be tidy, organised, and with excellent hygiene, but it doesn’t play well into my sexual needs.”
“Okay, so why don’t we talk about your sexual needs, and find some methods for coping with the aftermath, so that you don’t feel the need to push your partner away, in those crucial moments?”
I could feel the burn in my cheeks, as I realised she wanted me to talk to her about the thing I hadn’t even been able to put into words with Torch. Luckily for me, he’d read me like a book, but I wasn’t sure Lissa would, despite her intuitive mind. Finally I swallowed hard, and forced words out, because if I didn’t, what was the point in trying any kind of therapy, right?
“I… oh my god… I like to be degraded, uh sexually. I mean, I always thought I would, but I never got to experience it until him. He was exactly what I needed, and I could trust him because for some reason I knew he wouldn’t actually hurt me.” Lissa nodded, waiting for me to continue, but I saw absolutely no shock or judgement on her face at all, and it helped me to keep talking.
“And afterward, he was so caring, so sweet. I could fall for a guy like him, well, him specifically, but there’s no way it’d ever work. Even if he’s right for me, there’s no way I’m right for him. I can’t be.”
Eleven
Ihadashittynight’s sleep, followed by a falling out with a few of my brothers, and that led to an enforced session with Lissa. I wasn’t even sure how it all happened. One minute I was sitting having coffee and bacon rolls with Micro, and the next, I was in a brawl.
“You back on for a run tonight?” I had no idea what the fuck Micro was on about, so I told him as much, and he snorted, rolling his eyes as he stuffed the last of his breakfast roll in his mouth. I had to wait for him to finish eating before he’d tell me, and that was already pissing me off.
The bastard had a habit of edging me for answers on shit, and he knew it always risked him getting punched. His smug grin, when he finished, told me he knew me well enough to know exactly how pissed I was.
“Drug run. We might be on lockdown but when a shipment comes in, someone has to get it. Remember how that’s part of what we do? We sell party drugs?”Prick. I flipped him off, but all the while I was wondering if I’d be sent out on that shit yet, or if I was supposed to stay under fucking house arrest, just because I was recently injured. I mean, in a fight, I probably wouldn’t be my usual strong self, not when I had these damn stitches to tear still.
“Jesus, man, is the zombie thing new? I used to at least get responses from you before.”
Micro had this habit of doing his best to wind me up, and usually I appreciated it, but there was too much shit playing on my mind right now.
“Get fucked,” I finally muttered, smirking at him as I sat back in my seat.
“Oi Torch,” I heard from behind us, so I turned in my seat to look at the voice’s owner. Rocket and Stag were at the bar, drinking way too early in the fucking day.
“Yeah?”
They glanced at each other, and Stag smirked at me.
