Page 32 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
“I don’t think it was that. I think maybe I just—got tired.”
Iris narrowed her eyes. “Uh-huh. And when was the last time exhaustion caused you to start choking?”
I was quiet. Iris pursed her lips, then said, “Whatever. You know, maybe if you weren’t such a pathetic pushover, you wouldn’t be out here having panic attacks. Learn to deal with shit.”
“I do deal with shit,” I squeaked.
“If by dealing with them you mean brushing them aside and pretending they don’t exist, then yeah, I guess you do.”
I was still feeling raw from not being able to breathe less than a minute ago, and I wasn’t in the mood for one of Iris’s scathing lectures. “Okay,” I mumbled.
“See? This is exactly what I mean.”
“What?”
“Why can’t you just tell me what you’re really thinking instead of doing that mumbly little-girl act?”
I gaped at her, anger boiling in my guts and burning its way up my chest. But I had no idea what I wanted to say to Iris, anyway, if there was even anything to say in the first place. “I’m going.” I walked past her, back into the apartment complex. I braced myself for another one of her searing parting remarks, but for once, there was none.
• • •
I never brought up that moment with Ellery. How could I? The next time we hung out with each other, my heart jumped each time she started to say something, then slumped against my rib cage when what she said turned out to be something different, something totally innocuous. Like I’d suspected, Ellery thought nothing of me rolling on top of her, and so I shoved the memory away, locking it up tightly in a far corner in my mind. It wasn’t like I was spending much time studying it anyway; the last thing I wanted was to trigger another panic attack.
When springtime came, the college admissions decisions started to be announced. The first one was UCSD—a no. Anxiety spiked from my belly to my chest as I stared at my computer screen. I’d confidently considered San Diego a safety school, and now I realized how smug I’d been to think that. How foolish. Winnie got in, and so did James. I hugged them both and conjured up a smile when James said, “What about you, baby?”
“Nah, but I’m sure I’ll get into UCLA or something.”
“You will,” Winnie said, squeezing my hand.
Ellery didn’t get in either. She shrugged and said, “Eh, wewere never going to go there anyway, right? What’s in San Diego?”
“SeaWorld,” I said glumly.
“Yeah, well, we’ve got Disneyland, so SeaWorld can suck it.”
The next one that announced was UCLA, and to my horror, I didn’t get in either. This time, I ran to Ellery’s place, out of breath, and when she opened the door, I blurted out, “UCLA said no,” and burst into tears.
“Oh, Tulip.” Ellery’s arms went around my waist and she hugged me tight. Even through the tears and snot, I was overwhelmed by the Ellery-ness of her. Even while crying, a small part of me thought:I belong here, in her arms.
“Didyouget in?” I wailed, my voice muffled by her chest.
Ellery shook her head. I sagged against her. “What’s going to happen to us? Oh god, what if we have to go to Riverside?”
“The horror!” Ellery cried. “Dork. Then we’d go to Riverside, and we would rule the place.”
Despite the crushing anxiety, my mouth twitched into a smile at the thought of Ellery and me at Riverside. I took a deep breath, filling my senses with the soothing scent of her, and every part of my body relaxed. After a while, I felt calm enough to straighten up. To my horror, there was a wet patch on Ellery’s shirt. Oh god, a patch of tears and snot.
“I’m sorry, I’ll wash that for you.”
Ellery waved me off. “It’s fine, Tulip.” She turned away.
“Hey,” I said before I could chicken out. Something she’d said at dinner with my mom had been bugging me. “Um, you know, when you mentioned having some issues back home…”
“Yeah?” She looked at me and her expression was as open and sincere as ever, which gave me the courage to keep going.
“What happened back then? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I quickly added.
Ellery’s face turned somber, and for a moment, I almost told her to forget that I asked. But then she said, “I, uh, I sort of fell in love with a straight girl junior year of high school. My best friend. Well, I thought she was my best friend. I told her how I felt, and she told me it was fine, then she went and told everyone at school.”
