Page 63 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
She blinked, coming back to me in a flash. “I was composing a poem.”
“Tell me,” I said, my skin tingling at the thought of a poem written by Ellery.
But she never did. She was always too shy to show me any of her poetry. I would be lying if I said that didn’t hurt. I took it personally. Of course I did, I took everything personally back then. It’s probably part of being young; you think the world revolves around you. Well, I certainly did, anyway. And I thought Ellery didn’t want to show me her poetry because she thought I was too shallow to get it. But I didn’t make a big deal because, well, how could I, when I was so enamored with her?I’d lost her before, and it nearly broke me, and I didn’t think I could stand to lose her a second time.
Some days, Parker’s classes ran so late that he chose to stay at Westwood until rush hour was over. It made sense; if he left during rush hour, he would’ve been stuck on the freeway for two hours. He was making friends. Business school was full of extroverts, and he fit right in. I’d been right about business school being a good thing for him. He was growing into himself, gaining confidence. He really did have a good head for business. So when he told me that he would stay in Westwood for dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I smiled and said okay. He felt guilty about it, at first, which made me feel guilty. But I assured him I would be okay, even as my heart fluttered with excitement. To assuage my own guilt, I first asked Iris if she’d like to have dinner with me. She said she couldn’t, and again, I felt a shot of guilty pleasure at her answer. Even though dinner with my sister would’ve been nice. Then I texted Ellery, and she replied:See u then!
It became our thing. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, Ellery and I would drive down to San Gabriel for dinner, mostly to Valley Boulevard. All of our favorite haunts were still there. Golden Deli, which had the best pho, Savoy Kitchen, which had the best Hainanese chicken rice, and Top Island Dim Sum, which had my favorite baked pork buns. Afterward, we’d stroll over to one of the many boba tea places and get a boba milk tea each. We’d sip our tea as we walked down the street, and more often than not, we’d turn it into a competition to see who could blow the boba the farthest. We were a menace.
The routine became something so comforting. As I went about my day, I’d randomly think:It’s Wednesday. Dinner withEllery tonight, and my entire body would fill with a warm glow that relaxed every muscle and brought a stupid, giddy smile to my face.
Was it possible that I didn’t know how utterly in love with Ellery I was? I knew, of course I did. She was my safe space, the one I looked forward to seeing at the end of a long day, the one whose presence made everything light and brought color into my life. She was the one who made me belly-laugh until I wheezed for breath, and the one who I wanted to make laugh until she wheezed for breath. I wanted to make Parker laugh too, but he and I didn’t quite have the same sense of humor, and over the years, it had become much harder to make him laugh. With Ellery, I didn’t even have to try. She found little things I did endearing and hilarious, and she’d throw her head back and sweep me into a hug while she said, “Classic Tulip!” I never felt as funny and charming as I did when I was with Ellery.
So, yes, of course I knew. Yes, I knew that although I was technically being faithful to Parker, I was also betraying him. I knew, and yet not once did I think about stopping. Would you, if you had a chance to be reunited with the love of your life? Would you not try to squeeze every possible moment to spend with her, to memorize every detail that made her, her?
Chapter 22
MAGNOLIA
2010
I hope you don’t think all I did while I was in LA was mooch around the apartment and wait for Ellery to hang out with me. You were thinking that, weren’t you? Have some faith in your grandma, please.
Okay, yes, I did do that for the first month or so. Like I said, there were a lot of things that had to get done in order for us to really settle in, and admittedly, I was pretty distracted by Ellery’s reappearance in my life. But eventually, I started feeling restless. It was worse this time, being away from Indonesia and yet finding myself still suffocated by it. Part of me had foolishly imagined that just by stepping foot in LA, I would be magically free. I didn’t even know what being “free” meant, I just imagined I’d find it there.
One night, as we strolled down Valley, boba teas in hand, I said to Ellery, “I’m so jealous of you and Iris and Parker. You guys have all figured out what you want to do in life, and you’re doing it. I still have no idea, and I’m twenty-eight.”
Ellery stopped slurping her boba tea and regarded me thoughtfully. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Tulip. I never even thought to ask what it was you wanted to do. I kind of assumed you were happy with your current situation.”
“Of course I’m not happy with my current situation. I’m doing jack shit, Bells! I’m literally a housewife, and I hate it.”
“What do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know.” I stirred my tea and sighed. “Something that contributes to society. Something that helps people. God, that sounds so stupid, doesn’t it?”
“Not at all. Hey, I can totally see you doing that. And you majored in psychology, right? That makes sense. Did you want to be a therapist?”
I had to think hard about that. “A little bit. I mean, when I did my course, that was definitely one of the options I considered. But I can’t do that. I’d need to get a master’s degree in order to be certified.”
“So get a master’s.”
I laughed. “Yeah, right. Just like that, huh?”
“Why not?”
I gestured vaguely. “Uh…a million reasons? We’re only here for two years, and Parker would never go for it, and what would be the use? I wouldn’t be able to do it back in Indo.”
“How come?”
“There’s just such a stigma against mental health. Our families, and Parker, wouldn’t approve of it. When it comes to mental health there, it’s super black-and-white. You’re either ‘normal’ or you’re ‘crazy.’ I hate it.”
“Wow, okay. Yeah, I can see how that would be challenging. But if it’s what you really want to do, I can’t see anyone stoppingyou from doing that.” Ellery smiled down at me. “You’re Tulip! You don’t take shit from anyone.”
What I loved most about Ellery was the way she made me feel. Not just charming and funny, but also invincible. With her, I wasn’t just someone who was good at fitting herself into the Chindo girl mold. I was someone who broke the mold, someone who took charge of situations. Someone worth listening to.
I mulled over her words, wondering what it was that I was missing in life. When I brought it up with Iris, she said, “Dude, it’s obvious. You need to go back to school. Get a master’s in counseling.”
“It’s obvious?” I said.
