Page 65 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
“Yes, but as soon as we go back to Indonesia, we’ll starttrying. And you’ll be so busy once the baby arrives. Trust me, this whole counseling thing is a waste of time.” Parker rubbed my arms. “I know you’re bored at home all day. Why don’t you get a new hobby? Or ask Ellery out. She’s freelance, right? She’ll have a lot of free time.”
It was so dismissive and patronizing and so very Parker. I looked at my husband and wondered how I could have loved him. But that’s the thing about love. With some people, it can be constant. Like with Ellery, I couldn’t stop loving her, even though I tried. With others, love can ebb and flow. There were times when I was sure I loved Parker, loved him enough to sacrifice my own needs for his. Then there were times when I fantasized about running away, not even to anyplace specific, just someplace that didn’t have him in it.
My instinctive reaction was to acquiesce, as usual. But the past few years had changed me. When Iris escaped from Erik, pregnant and bruised, she changed something in me. Something irrevocable. I searched deep within me for that kernel of strength, and when I found it, I held on fast.
I took a deep breath, made sure my voice would come out even when I spoke. Then I said, “You don’t have to support me in this. I won’t use any of our money for it. But I will be doing a master’s course, whether you agree to it or not.”
“What? Don’t take out a student loan, Maggie. They’re predatorial. You’ll drown us in student debt.”
“I won’t take out student loans.”
“How would you pay for a master’s course?” Now that he was assured I wasn’t going to take out student loans, Parker smirked and leaned back. I wanted to hit him.
“Iris said she’ll pay for it.”
“What?”
I reveled in his shock.That’s right, Parker, I thought.Iris is a badass.“She said she’ll pay for all of it.”
“She’s—she can’t do that, she needs to support Hazel. She’s a single mother, for god’s sake.”
The way he said “single mother” was so demeaning that I shut down immediately. “Well, she’s paying for it, so that’s that.” I turned around and walked away from him, both frustrated and victorious. Part of me wanted to push on, ask Parker what the hell he meant by “She’s a single mother, for god’s sake,” but I knew not to push my luck. If he got too angry, he might escalate, threaten to move us back to Indonesia. Much safer to keep the peace, especially since I’d gotten what I wanted out of the conversation.
I was accepted into California State University LA’s program the following semester. I’d thought that I’d forgotten most of what I learned at Cal, but as soon as my graduate classes started, I was plunged right back into the world of psychology. I dug out my old notes from my undergraduate studies and devoured them. Everything came flooding back. Cognitive neuroscience. Neurobiology of stress. Even primate behavior came back, and I laughed at the memory of me sitting in my lecture hall back at Cal, wide-eyed and enthralled. I embraced the memory of my younger self, so full of hope and possibility. I also mourned her, but not too deeply, because I knew she was still there, somewhere inside me. There is a misconception that your career must start as soon as you’re out of college. But I was realizing that my own path didn’t go that way, and that was okay. Just because I was starting out later than most people didn’t mean I’d completely missed the train. At age twenty-eight, I was back atschool, and I wouldn’t graduate until I was nearly thirty, and that was okay.
The course was a lot tougher than I expected, but I loved every hour of it. I chose to go for a master’s in social work. My coursework included the diagnosing and treatment of various psychological problems. It all fascinated me, but what I was most interested in was women’s health. I kept thinking of Iris standing outside of my gate that night, hugging herself, looking so small and fragile. I thought of other women like her, who might not have a sister they could run to. I thought of women who had children they had to take with them in the middle of the night. I thought of women who did not, or could not, for whatever reason, fit into the unforgiving mold that our society had crafted for us. And I started to dream about carving out a space for them.
• • •
Those two years were hands down the best days of my life, Izzy. I loved school. I’ve always been a student at heart. I loved learning new things, and I loved the structure of school, of shaping my days around my classes and spending evenings poring over my notes and textbooks with a hot drink next to me.
And to make things even better, Ellery loved it too. We’d hang out at her place, sit at her dining table, her working on an article, me studying, a pot of something fresh and hearty simmering on the stove. Just the two of us in her small airy apartment that smelled of rosemary and lemons, working side by side. The quiet presence of her, that was my favorite thing. We didn’t even have to say a word to each other; just knowing she was there was enough for me. It was the closest that I had ever cometo inhabiting that secret world inside her head. In between chapters, I’d sneak glances at her and watch her be completely absorbed by what she was typing on the computer, and I’d think to myself:God, she’s so beautiful.
Hazel was old enough to run now, and that was all she wanted to do. She ran without checking that the path was clear. She ran, laughing, everywhere. There was no way in hell that any work could be done when Hazel was around. She spent most of her time at the day care, but I didn’t have classes every day, so I made sure to take Hazel out at least twice a week. Ellery and I would bundle her up in her car seat, and we’d go to our favorite hangouts, usually the beach or some splash pad where Hazel could run and tumble and not get too hurt. If I had a lot of homework, I’d take it with me and sneak some work in while Ellery watched Hazel.
Once, we drove to Echo Park and did the most touristy thing ever—rented a paddleboat on the lake. It was a terrible idea. Slow and hard work. Hazel got bored five minutes in, and Ellery and I got tired trying to pedal across the water. We gave up and went back to dry land, where we started walking around the lake. Hazel ran on ahead of us, and I watched her tiny figure with a small smile on my lips. Things were so easy with Ellery. If Parker were there, he’d grouse about everything, complain about what a waste of money the paddleboat had been and how hard it was to find parking here. The paddleboat had been a waste of money, and parking had also been impossible to find, but somehow, with Ellery, all of those irritating things didn’t seem to matter. In fact, they became things we laughed about.
“That was some serious workout,” Ellery was saying. “Mylegs are feeling more tired than, like, on actual leg day at the gym.”
“I think that means you’re slacking off at the gym.”
Ellery gave me an exaggerated look of affront. “Excuse you? This coming from the person who has never set foot in a gym? I don’t think so, buddy.”
“I work out!” I laughed.
“Okay, lifting your textbooks from the apartment to the car doesn’t count as working out. Nerd.”
“I do a lot more than that. I lift Hazel in and out of her high chair, and she is really heavy.”
“She is getting pretty heavy, isn’t she?” Ellery grinned at Hazel, who had decided she’d run far enough away from us and was now sprinting back with a look of fierce determination on her chubby face. When Hazel got close enough, Ellery knelt down and opened her arms. Hazel flung herself into Ellery’s arms, and Ellery lifted her high in the air.
The sunlight lined their bodies in a golden glow, and as I watched them, it hit me that it wouldn’t be long before I had to leave them behind. Parker’s program would end. My program would too. Then what? Then back to Indonesia. Away from Iris, Hazel, and Ellery. The three people who mattered most in my life. Ever since that awful talk with my parents about Iris leaving Erik, I’d barely had a conversation with them. They no longer occupied such a huge space in my life, and it was hard to think of what would be waiting for me back in Indonesia. Back to a life where I would only be defined by my husband and his achievements. Back to a life where my voice could never be louder than my husband’s, where my husband would alwayshave the last word in any serious discussion, where both our families would redouble their efforts to pressure me into having babies. The restrictions would become even bigger then. If I thought the expectations placed on wives were high, the ones placed on mothers were even worse. This was what awaited me back home.
It felt as though someone had reached into my chest and cracked my rib cage wide open. The realization hit me so suddenly that I felt winded. I stopped walking, my legs turning to water.
“Wow, you must be really tuckered out,” Ellery said, still carrying Hazel.
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to her. I didn’t want to ruin this moment. But she must have seen it in my eyes when she looked over. She knew as well as I did that I was here temporarily. And like me, she’d chosen to forget it most of the time. But sometimes, the reality of our situation floated to the surface like a toxic bubble and popped, spreading its poison everywhere, tainting the moment. Ellery’s mouth thinned and she shifted Hazel to one arm and wrapped her other arm around my shoulders.
