Page 66 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
“It’ll be okay, Tulip,” she said. She always knew just what to say.
I leaned into her and pretended that she was right, that she wasn’t lying through her teeth, that either of us knew just what the hell we were doing.
Chapter 23
MAGNOLIA
2011
The closer we got to the end of both Parker’s and my programs, the more anxious and depressed I became. The irony of it, me studying counseling while noting signs of my own mental health spiraling down the drain. I started losing sleep at night, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling while Parker snored next to me. I’d nod off just before the sun rose and wake up cranky and bleary-eyed. I no longer bothered cooking myself a hot breakfast, opting instead for scalding cups of coffee in an effort to wake me up enough to get to class or get other stuff done. I smiled rarely, even when I was with Ellery. Even her voice felt like it was coming from afar, muted and thick. I was slowly detaching myself from reality, preparing for the inevitable end of my beautiful LA dream.
The day I graduated was bittersweet. Ellery, Iris, and Hazel were at my place helping me get ready for the ceremony. Irishelped me into my graduation gown, then stepped back and studied me in the mirror with a huge smile on her face.
“I’m so proud of you, Sis,” she said.
I stared blankly at my reflection. My mind felt dull, and underneath the thick, numb surface, I could feel emotions thrashing about.No, I told myself. Better to feel nothing at all than to let the maelstrom out.
Ellery and Iris exchanged a worried glance, then Iris cocked her head, and Ellery picked Hazel up and said, “Hey, let’s go see if your aunt has ice cream in her freezer, huh?”
Once they were out of the room, Iris grabbed my arm and yanked me to face her.
“Ow, what?” I cried.
“What is going on?” Iris said.
“What do you mean?”
“Where is my annoying little sister, and why has she been replaced with this zombie?”
I sighed and turned away from her, but she yanked again. “Jesus, Iris. You’re hurting me.”
“Good!” she snapped. “Then maybe you’ll start showing some emotion. What’s going on? Did something happen between you and Parker?”
“No. Nothing happened between me and Parker.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. “Parker and I are just fine.”
“Wow, I have never heard the words ‘just fine’ said with so much acidity.” She softened her voice. “What is it, Magnolia? You know you can tell me anything.”
Her voice was so gentle, so kind, and so unlike Iris that it undid me. It speared through the haze, slicing through all of thewalls I had so carefully built around my heart over the past few weeks. Tears filled my eyes. “I—” My voice broke.
Iris took my hand. “I know.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do,” Iris said. “You don’t want to go back.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and felt tears run down my cheeks, hot and filled with shame. I’d never even dared to say it out loud to myself, never mind to another person. What a betrayal it was. Not just a betrayal to Parker, but a betrayal to everything I’d worked so hard for. But it was true. There was no use denying it. “I don’t want to go back,” I whispered, and once the words were out, there was no taking them back. “I don’t,” I said, and this time, they came out as a plea, as though Iris could save me from my fate.
“I know, Sis,” Iris whispered, pulling me into a hug. “I don’t want you to go back either. So stay.”
“I can’t do that,” I sobbed.
“Yes, you can.”
“Parker won’t want to—”
“With all due respect to Parker, fuck him.” Iris pulled back, still holding my arms, and said, “Look at me, Magnolia.”
I met her gaze. Her face was set, resolute, and she looked like a goddess striding into battle. She looked like she could take on the whole fucking world.
