Page 67 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
“What is it that you want?”
There was no way I could’ve not answered her. “I want to stay. I want to stay here with you and Hazel.”
“And Ellery.”
“And Ellery.” I could only whisper those last two words, Iwas so ashamed of them. Hearing them brush past my lips sent a shiver down my spine, as though I’d just uttered a spell, and now it was flying wild and free in the air on feathered wings, and there was no taking it back.
“It’s okay,” Iris said, pulling me back into her arms. I buried my face in her shoulder, wanting to hide from the world, wanting to pretend that none of this ever happened, wanting to disappear so I didn’t have to deal with any of this. “It’s going to be okay. You just need to be true to yourself, okay? You need to do this for yourself, Magnolia. You can do that.”
“I’m not brave like you.”
“Oh, yes, you fucking are,” Iris said, half laughing, half crying. “Mags, are you kidding me? You are one of the bravest people I know. You came here at age sixteen, and you were ready to take the whole city on.”
“What are you talking about? I took nothing on. I was so scared.”
“Well, duh, of course you were scared. I was scared as shit when I came here too. I changed everything about myself. My hair, my makeup, my clothes, even the way I talked. But you—” Iris smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear. “You stayed true to yourself. You marched to your own beat. You didn’t give a shit about anything. I was so jealous of that. I tried to help you fit in, buy you new clothes, but you wore what you wanted, and you know what? You made it work. You’ll make anything work, Mags. It’s who you are. You set your own rules. And you do it while making everyone fall in love with you.”
I stared at her. “Was that really how you saw me?”
“Yeah. My annoyingly sweet little sister who everyone loved. That was you.”
I was dumbstruck. I thought back to our teen selves and how Iris always would roll her eyes at me. I remembered how badly I longed to be like her, and all that time, there she was, jealous of me. I couldn’t help but laugh at this revelation. “Oh my god. We were ridiculous.”
“Yeah, we kind of were. But you know what we also were? Fucking kids, man! God, Mama and Papa really did just ship us overseas and forget about us. So fuck them. Who cares about them? Live your own life.”
I gnawed on my lip. “I just feel so guilty about Parker. I mean, he’s done nothing wrong…”
“Eh, I beg to differ. Sure, maybe compared to Erik, Parker isn’t so bad, but what has he done for you? Not for the two of you as a couple, but foryou, as an individual.”
“He provides for me.” That sounded pathetic, even to my own ears.
“No, he’s the sole breadwinner because our stupid patriarchal society doesn’t allow you, a woman, to take over our parents’ clinic. That’s something that was given to Parker. He didn’t even have to earn it. What else you got?”
“He…moved here. Because he knows I missed you and Hazel.”
Iris gave me a look. “Oh please. He moved here because you manipulated him into moving here. Nice move, by the way. Pure genius. See what I mean about you marching to your own beat? Think what you could achieve if you didn’t have to tiptoe around Parker all the time.”
“He—oh, I don’t know, Iris! I love him. He’s my husband.”
“Are youin lovewith him?”
My mouth opened and closed. After a long while, I sputtered,“I’m—I’m not out of love with him.” The words thunked out and fell flat. Even I could hear the hollow ring in them. Cold seeped into my bones, and I felt unbearably empty. No matter what, it’s a horrible feeling realizing that you’re no longer in love with your spouse.
Iris squeezed my arms. “Just think about it, okay? You have time. Now come on, let’s get you to the ceremony.”
I hastened to dry my tears and fix what was left of my makeup, then Iris and I hurried out of the bedroom. I couldn’t meet Ellery’s eyes. My insides were roiling with half a dozen emotions, and all of them were wrapped up in a thick layer of shame. Shame, I have since learned, is what has been trained into us from a very young age. Shame is the yoke on our backs, the threat that keeps our heads bowed. Remember that, Izzy. And ask yourself: What are you ashamed of?
• • •
The day after I had my talk with Iris, Ellery asked me to come over to her place. I actually considered turning her down. I just had no idea what it would be like to face her after all the things I’d said to Iris. The words I’d said were as much a revelation to myself as they were to Iris, and my insides still felt so raw. But I could never stay away from the magnetic pull of Ellery. Vaguely, I thought we’d hang out as usual, all of the confusing feelings inside me kept firmly under the surface.
Her door was unlocked, as usual.
“You know, I’m going to arrive one day and find that you’ve been murdered,” I said as I walked in.
Ellery looked up from her sofa, where she’d been curled up with a book. “What murderer would use the front door?”
“An efficient one. Or one who’s been studying your terrible habit of keeping the front door unlocked?”
