Page 74 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
The next few days, Ellery took me and Hazel out as much as possible. We went to the beach and I sat and watched and cried while Ellery built sandcastles with Hazel. We went to the dog park, where Hazel squealed and ran alongside the dogs, and I cried under a tree while Ellery held me. We took her to ice creamparlors and candy shops and I cried seeing Iris’s favorite flavors. My grief was seemingly without end, and Ellery simply stood by me and let it crash against her so it wouldn’t touch Hazel. Thanks to Ellery, Hazel’s life during those first couple of weeks didn’t completely implode.
At night, she held me tight in the sleeping bag as I cried, my tears soaking the pillows. She kissed my wet cheeks and brushed my hair back tenderly and whispered, “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” Sometimes, I let my sorrow sharpen into anger and stabbed her with it.
“It’s not okay, stop saying that.”
She’d only hold me tighter. “I know, baby.”
No matter what I threw at Ellery, she never let me go. “We’ll get through this together,” she said. “I’m not losing you again, Tulip.”
She was even more patient with Hazel. Iris’s sudden disappearance from Hazel’s life had left a gaping, jagged hole, and inevitably, Hazel started to struggle. She threw tantrums over every tiny thing, and they were horrible to sit through because she screamed so hard I was afraid she’d ripped herself apart. I’d had formal training in counseling; I knew what to do, logically, but I was still struggling with my own grief, and I didn’t have it in me to be strong and calm and patient. Ellery would tell me, “It’s okay, go for a walk, I’ve got this.” And she’d simply sit next to Hazel as she thrashed and shrieked on the floor until Hazel tired herself out. Then Ellery would scoop her up and rub her back and say, “I’ve got you, sweetheart.” Dozens of times, Hazel and I imploded into sharp pieces, and every time, Ellery picked up those pieces and gently put us back together.
But our time was running out. Parker had started to bringup the subject of going back to Indonesia. Now that both our programs had ended, there was no reason to stay. He’d been patient, extending our stay due to Iris’s death, but as he pointed out, we couldn’t possibly stay here forever. He was right. Somehow, I’d forgotten all about going back to Indonesia. “Going home,” he’d called it, and it had struck me because I’d stopped thinking of Indonesia as “home” a while ago.
“But Hazel needs consistency and familiarity,” I said.
“I think you’ve done all you can to provide that for her,” Parker said, not unkindly. “You’ve done everything for her. Sooner or later, she’ll have to come back with us.”
I was too tired to argue with him, so I merely said, “I’ll think about it.”
What was there to think about? The choice was startlingly clear to me. I had already decided to leave Parker, and nothing had changed about that. If anything, the last couple of months had made it even more obvious that Hazel and I belonged with Ellery. I could see a future for the three of us. Ellery would move into Iris’s place, and we’d dote on Hazel and help each other get through this. The alternative, with me and Parker plucking Hazel out of California and thrusting her into a completely foreign place, was too cruel to bear. It was the best choice for not just myself but Hazel as well.
But knowing the decision I had to make didn’t mean it was easier to actually make it. I kept pushing for more time, dreading the moment where I would have to tell Parker. I was too wrecked to fight, and I had no idea how he would react. It would be the worst kind of betrayal. He would be humiliated, and humiliated people tended to lash out. I wasn’t ready for battle. Ellery never rushed me.
“It’s an incredibly hard thing to tell him,” she said. “Take your time, Tulip. You’ve got a lot on your plate.”
In the end, though, the decision ended up being wrenched out of my hands. I didn’t even get a chance to tell Parker before our world, already with a giant hole punched through it, completely fell apart.
Chapter 25
MAGNOLIA
2011
It was Erik. Of course. It had to be him. I received a call one morning from a lawyer based in Jakarta. I was so confused that it took me a while to understand what he was saying.
“Who are you again?” I said, distracted by Hazel, who was in her high chair, eating oatmeal with her bare hands.
“I’m Hendrik Tjoeng, a lawyer representing Bapak Erik Sanjaya.”
“Okay…” It hit me then that this must have something to do with the legalities of Iris’s death. “How can I help you?”
“Ibu Magnolia, I’m very sorry for your loss, but I’m afraid there has been some confusion regarding the guardianship of Bapak Erik’s daughter, Hazel Sanjaya.”
I froze. “What do you mean?” I hated the way he’d referred to Hazel as Erik’s daughter.
“I see that you have filed for guardianship for Hazel in thestate of California, but you don’t have the right to do that. Her legal guardian is her biological father, Bapak Erik.”
A startled laugh choked out of me. “You have got to be kidding. Erik hasn’t even seen her. They have no relationship.”
Ellery, who had been in the shower, came out then, toweling her hair dry. She walked toward me with a cautious look on her face. I could only shake my head at her.
“That was not by choice. Ibu Iris had taken the child without his consent and run away—”
“Yeah, because he was beating the shit out of her!” I snapped.
Hazel paused mid-bite and stared at me. “It’s okay, I’ve got her,” Ellery said, and gestured for me to go out onto the patio.
I did so, closing the glass door behind me. “Sorry, can you repeat that?”
