Page 81 of Next Time Will Be Our Turn
“You have an appointment,” she said.
I stopped and looked around to make sure she wasn’t talking to a doctor behind me. I pointed at myself. “Me?”
“Yes. Mrs.Grace Cahyadi at ten a.m.”
“Oh. Oh! Okay.” I glided into my office and did a happy dance. I kissed my fingertips and pressed them to the framed picture of Iris on my desk. “It’s happening,” I whispered to her. I imagined Iris rolling her eyes and saying,Don’t flub it, Sis.
I was nervous as hell, but I didn’t flub it. I did the opposite of flubbing it. Grace walked in a bundle of nerves and left—well, she was still a bundle of nerves because counseling isn’t magic—but she was a little bit less anxious. And she requested two meetings a week. My first patient. The next morning, the receptionist informed me I had another patient. And the morning after that, I had two more patients signed up.
Everything in Jakarta works through word of mouth. And it seemed that women in Jakarta were starved for an objective, sympathetic ear. Within the month, I was nearly at capacity. In the second month, I had to start a wait list. During the next biannual clinic-wide meeting, I brought up the subject of hiring another therapist to help with the growing list of patients. A couple of doctors snorted, but the majority of the room nodded their agreement.
“My patients who started going to you are noticeably calmer,” the Johns Hopkins doctor said.
I smiled gratefully.
“New patients are coming in too,” Parker said. “Counseling Services is not only growing its own clientele, but it’s actively helping OBGYN and Pediatrics grow as well.”
I was speechless. Parker had been willing to let me take this risk, but he hadn’t been particularly supportive of it. This was the first time I’d heard him say anything positive about the program, and I saw him in a new light that day.
It had been a year since we moved from LA, and I’d beendetermined that this time round, I wasn’t going to spend the next ten years writing letters to Ellery. I knew there was no going back, and the only way I could survive losing her a second time was if I truly let her go. Fully, without looking back. I’d forced myself to stop thinking of her, using everything I knew about cognitive theory to leave her in the past. I reminded myself that our emotions come from our thoughts, and we can control our thoughts. Put that way, it seemed simple enough. All I had to do was train myself not to think of Ellery.
Of course, it wasn’t as easy as that, but every little bit helped. And that afternoon, when Parker added his support to my request for another therapist to add to the team, I felt something blossoming inside me. A tiny shiver of affection for him.
Parker wasn’t perfect, no. He was a product of a patriarchal society, and he never did stop to question it too much. He was perfectly content with the status quo, at peace with it all as long as it didn’t bother him. But he was also someone who had fought alongside me to save Hazel from Erik’s clutches. And now that Hazel was ours, he’d assumed the role of a father with enthusiasm. On weekends, Parker and I took Hazel to playgrounds. He didn’t have Ellery’s natural ease with her, but he was trying. He held her hand and turned up at her school on Parents Day. He wasn’t perfect, but he had his heart in the right place, and I loved him for it.
Ours never was a passionate love. It wasn’t even a constant one. It was battered and frayed, but it endured. So when you asked me if I loved your Yeye? Yes, I did. He wasn’t the love of my life, but I was lucky to have his love anyway. It was then, at that meeting, that I realized I was ready to start a family with him. Hazel had settled in nicely at her nursery school, andCounseling Services was growing at a healthy rate, and I knew I would always have a place at the clinic. I’d managed to break out of my box, and now that I was out, I was no longer fearful that being pregnant would turn into a jail sentence.
The rest you know about, my dear. I had your aunt Lily, then your uncle Chase, then your uncle Thomas. And Counseling Services boomed, treating not just women but children as well. We expanded to do early diagnostic testing to identify children on the spectrum and children with ADHD. For the longest time, we were the first to do any of that stuff in a friendly, approachable environment without any of the social stigma that plagued mental health. We became a safe space for women and children to turn to. I interviewed every therapist myself and made sure they were on the same wavelength as I was. Even the slightest whiff of judgment from them set off my alarm bells. I protected my patients fiercely, and they in turn spread the word to the rest of the city.
At some point, I started doing talks about mental health and the importance of understanding and acceptance. I was invited to do magazine interviews, radio interviews, and TV interviews. The publicity led to more patients, and Parker finally got his wish of opening another branch of the clinic. We were becoming a known brand. Ironically, the brand was Counseling Services and not so much the obstetrics section. Parker didn’t care. He was just happy to have a business he could work on growing. Soon enough, we opened up a third clinic, then a fourth, and the sky was the limit. I loved public speaking. I loved the limelight. Oh, I know you’re not supposed to say that, but you know what? Fuck that. I loved being in front of the camera. I shone. Iwasn’t made to skulk in my husband’s shadow. I reveled in the attention, stood tall with my shoulders back, and told women across the country that there was a safe space for them to turn to. At some point, I became the brand.
Mama and Papa were proud, in a slightly baffled way. To be clear, they weren’t proud at first. They were actually slightly embarrassed by all the attention I was getting. But then enough of their friends told them, “You must be so proud of your daughter,” and after a while, they got used to not being ashamed that I wasn’t a stay-at-home mom.
Dear Iris,
Hazel is seven years old today! Oh my god, can you believe it? Okay, let’s see. She…
Lost her front tooth last week. It came out while she was sleeping and she swallowed it and got upset because she really wanted to sell it to the Tooth Fairy. Happily, the Tooth Fairy gave her some money anyway, despite there being no tooth under her pillow, so she’s happy. She plans to buy a yacht with the $5 she got.
Has a new favorite food—lasagna! It cracks me up how much lasagna this skinny little thing can put away. We’ve made two different types of lasagna so far and she loves them both. And every time we go to an Italian restaurant, that is what she orders. We all call her Garfield now.
Ran for student council! Didn’t win. I told her the other kids must be dumb not to have voted for her. You know what though? She came home smiling. Said she was proud of herself for running even though she lost. I don’t think I could’ve been any prouder of her. She’s got this amazing quiet confidence about her that is unshakable. Reminds me of someone.
Loves her little siblings so much. Her favorite is Thomas, but I think that’s only because he’s the baby of the bunch and is not yet able to snatch her toys the way Lily has started doing. She adores bossing Lily around. Lily was okay with it for a while, but now that she’s turned three, she’s starting to be like “Okay, whatever, Big Sis.” Does that remind you of anyone?
