Page 102 of The Friend Scheme
“Do you want more pillows or something?” he asks.
I adjust the pillow behind me so it’s a proper backrest.
“I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“Cool.”
He starts the movie.
And here I am.
Sitting in a bed. With a Donovan.
I wonder if we’re going to have sex.
I can’t even believe I’m actually thinking that. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I hadn’t even been kissed, and now I’m thinking about sex? If it were any other guy, I think I’d be nervous. But with Jason, I think I could handle it. I wonder what position he’d prefer. I’ve always felt like I’d like both, although I get a vibe that Jason is more of a…
Okay.
I need to stop thinking about this.
I focus on the movie. Luckily, it’s a pretty fantastic distraction, because it’s so weird and dark and I love it so much.
I’m still thinking aboutit, though. I’ve never done it before, but I don’t think I have any hang-ups about it. It’s never seemed like that big of a deal to me. So I’d probably try it if he suggested it, as long as we were safe. Either position, I don’t care. Or something else; Iknow that kind of sex takes prep work. But I have condoms in my bag, so like, we could totally do it.
I wonder if he’s a virgin, too.
I have no idea. I don’t like to assume this sort of thing.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. This is just a fantasy.
I start to feel a little brave. I tilt my foot across and touch his foot.
“Finally,” he says, and he leans across to kiss me.
I pull back.
“What?” he says.
I’m thinking about Dad. About how I frustrate him. And I think my doing stuff like this is part of the reason why. Maybe I’d be less miserable if I at least tried to do the stuff he wants me to.
Being friends with a Donovan is one thing. Going further is different.
“I dunno, just, maybe we shouldn’t…,” I say.
“Oh. Why not?”
“Because we’re us, you know? I want to, but I also want to be smart. I think this is going to be really embarrassing to admit, but…”
“But what?”
He says it so softly, like he already knows, and it’s okay.
“I think if I’m not careful, I could start to like you,” I say. “As more than a friend, I mean. Obviously I like you. But it could be more for me, if we keep doing stuff like this. Which would be bad, right?”
I hang my head. I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“Why would it be bad?” he asks.
