Page 51 of Rescuing Josiah
“If you had died that day but one of your teammates had lived, is this what you’d want for them? Loneliness? Anger? Fear?”
“No.” He said the word he knew to be true even if he wanted to deny it.
“What would you want for them?”
“What you said. Happiness, joy, for them to keep living.”
“Why?”
“It wouldn't have been their fault I died.” The words came out as the natural answer even though he’d spent six years twisting himself into mental knots trying to make their deaths his fault.
“Right. You had your vest on, they didn't. It’s tragic, and it’s a massive loss, one you'll always feel. There’s no magic answer, Josiah. The anger isn’t just going to magically disappear. The fear will linger even after you learn to live without wearing the Kevlar. But you don’t have to get to the end of the journey in one step, there can be a million tiny steps along the way.”
Lifting her hands, she placed them on his chest. Their warmth seemed to sink deep inside him, even though he knew that with the body armor between them it wasn't physically possible.
“Take that first step, please. Trust that while you lost a team, you still have another one. Me, the rest of Prey. Your mom. Your dad. Your brothers. We’re still your team, whether you want us to be or not, and teammates don’t give up on each other. Ever.”
It felt like there was nothing solid beneath him, that he was in free fall, but his fingers uncurled one by one, and then they did the only logical thing they could do.
They reached for Chelsea.
May 17th
1:11 A.M.
The second he reached for her, she knew.
Chelsea let out a breath of relief, knowing that not only had Josiah taken a step back from the ledge he’d been balancing way too precariously on for her liking, but he had also taken the first step in reclaiming his life.
His hands circled her waist, lifting her off the floor, and it was the most natural thing in the world to wrap her legs around his hips and hold onto his shoulders. Something she couldn’t quite name danced in his dark eyes, or maybe it was an amalgamation of so many different emotions that they all blurred together.
“Don’t like you being in danger,” he murmured as he tipped his head forward so his forehead rested against hers.
“I know.” Her fingers began to massage his tense muscles. “But I’m okay, and I'm here as your partner, to watch your back. Trust me just a little.”
“I do,” he muttered, clearly displeased with the concept.
She giggled. “Good. I know you're trying, Josiah. And I don’t want to push you too hard too fast, but try to accept I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You know I love you, and you …” she paused to take a breath hardly daring to believe he’d actually said it, “you said you fight your feelings for me, so you care about me too, even if it’s not love. That means you know I’ll always put your needs first. I’m not asking for any commitment, I'm not asking you to fall in love with me, to date me or marry me, or anything more than trusting me to be there for you.”
“It’s not about trust, it’s trying to control the fear and anger,” he admitted softly, almost like he was ashamed of the words. But there was nothing for him to be ashamed of. Josiah was a hero, one who was struggling, who thought he had to do it all alone.
Please let me in.
The whispered thought ran through her mind as she pulled her head back. “Then stop trying.”
“Pretty sure I’ll fall apart if I do that.”
“Then fall apart.”
“Can’t. I might …” One of his hands remained on her waist, his other lifted to brush calloused fingertips across the mostly faded marks on her neck from when she’d woken him out of a nightmare the other night. “I might hurt you again.”
“I'm tougher than I look.” Not wanting to force him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with, she let her lips hover millimeters from his.
For some reason she couldn’t explain, Chelsea felt like he had to make this first move.
Not because she wanted to push him into something he wasn't ready for, but because she needed to know it was what he wanted.
Right now, his emotions were all over the place. He was terrified because they’d almost been caught, angry that she’d been in danger, but more than that, he was battling against himself as he tried to shake off the shackles of his past and find his way through all that fear and anger to a better place.
