Page 81 of The Christmas Holiday
‘How am I supposed to do that? You’re thrashing about, calling out in a language I’ve never heard you speak, completely distressed—’
‘Look. I’ll get another room tomorrow. Somehow. And then—’
‘I don’t care about you getting another room, Hunter! I care about you!’
He looked away, swigging fromthe water bottle. I moved to the end of his lounger, forcing him to look at me.
‘In all the time we were together, you never once had a nightmare. Not once. But I saw your reaction to the noise of the fireworks in India. And now this tonight?’
‘Mia, don’t.’
‘I have to, Hunter! You made this big thing about needing to know where your team is at all times. But that has to work both ways.I need to know where you are too, but it’s clear a part of you is somewhere else and I want to help. I can’t bear seeing you like this!’
‘So don’t watch then,’ Hunter snapped.
‘That’s unfair,’ I said, my throat tight with hurt and anger. ‘I’m trying to help but I can’t do that if you insist on being such a stubborn arsehole all the time.’
‘I don’t recall asking for your help. And really?You’re going to sit there and give me a lecture on stubbornness? That’s fucking rich!’
‘Excuse me?’
He shoved himself up and swung his leg round so he was astride the lounger, his face close to mine. ‘I told you to go to the doctor the minute you landed on your arse and hit that rock, but oh no, you have to show everyone that nothing can hurt you. Nothing gets in the way of the will ofMia Walker. You can never bear to show any sign of weakness because you’re under the mistaken impression that, by doing so, people will think you’re weak when in fact it means nothing of the sort! And no matter how many times I tried to tell you and show you that, you never got it. So, don’t you dare start on me about stubbornness. All I wanted was for you to get checked out, just to make sure youwere safe before you did that fucking jump, but you wouldn’t, would you?’
‘I didn’t do the bloody jump anyway so what the hell are you so worked up about?’
‘Because you were prepared to risk your life just to prove a point! On something you didn’t even want to do anyway! You always have to prove something, don’t you, Mia? You always did. It’s so important to you to show everyone just howtough and independent you are. I never understood it and I never will. You’re beautiful, clever and great at your job. But it’s never enough for you to believe that. This obsession with proving yourself all the time could have killed you! You need to stop! Now! You don’t have to keep doing this. Don’t you get it? You’ve completely missed the point that the people who care about you don’t need anythingproving to them. Ever.’
‘Seriously?’ I yelled at him. ‘You’re going to sit there and tell me I don’t need to prove myself when you’re exactly the reason I’m constantly doing that on this trip! Maybe you’re right about the others. But you made it non-negotiable.’
‘What?’ He pushed himself up quickly, stepping in front of me as I stood and turned to go back inside. ‘You’re putting this onme?’
‘This time? Yes, you’re bloody right I am!’
‘Oh, this should be good.’ He crossed his arms in front of his chest, and waited.
‘You know exactly what you did, Hunter. Now please move. I came out here to try and help you, but you know what? I don’t care any more. You can deal with whatever shit it is you have going on by yourself as that’s clearly working so well for you. I’m goingto bed.’
Hunter didn’t move. ‘Not until you tell me why this is all suddenly my fault.’
‘Because from the moment you took this job you started trying to get me thrown off it! You must have known what this could mean for me but you still tried to screw everything up. I never would have done that to you! To anyone! And I never would have thought it of you. I know I hurt you, Hunter, andI’m sorry. I really, really am. But I can’t change what happened. I knew I could never change your personal opinion of me. I know there’s a part of you that will always blame me, and hate me for ending things, and I have to live with that. I knew I could do this job, but you were so adamant I couldn’t – that I wasn’t the right person for it – that I’m continually having to prove to you that I am.’
I finished my tirade and we stood there for a moment. Silent, not moving, like two chess pieces approaching checkmate. And then my body reminded me that it was three o clock in the morning and it was knackered.
‘Excuse me.’ I pushed past him and he let me as I headed back inside.
Having splashed cold water on my face, I dropped the dressing gown on the chair and set about straighteningthe sheets on the bed. As I was finishing, Hunter stepped back through the door, his eyes wary and intense. I was exhausted and he looked the same. What both of us needed was just to get some sleep.
‘I always knew you could do the job.’ His voice was soft and raw. ‘Never doubted it for a moment.’ The smile that accompanied the statement was honest and sad.
I looked up from where I hadnow got into bed, the sheet pulled up around my chest. He took in the confusion on my face and rubbed his hand over his lips and jaw. ‘You were right from the start. It was about you. Not wanting to have to do this with you.’
Dipping my head so he wouldn’t see just how much his words cut me, I shuffled my back up against the headboard a little more, and played for time. Ready, I lifted myhead and found myself hooked straight into his gaze. I wrapped my arms around myself tighter, over the sheet.
‘I don’t suppose I ever thought you’d truly forgive me. But I guess I hoped you would. I mean, you’ve obviously moved on, dating models and actresses and socialites, all of them incredibly beautiful. Your career is phenomenal. You travel the world doing what you love. You have everythingyou ever wanted. Why are you still holding on to your anger at me? Can’t you find it in your heart to let that go? For both of us?’
Hunter shook his head. ‘I don’t have everything I ever wanted, Mia. And the why? Because you broke my heart. Completely. Utterly. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. So initially I turned it into anger. Admittedly, probably not the healthiest choice I couldhave made, but still. I wasn’t thrilled about this whole deal because the thought of spending time with you again...’
‘I understand,’ I replied quickly, smoothing the sheet in front of me, and doing my best not to show just how much his words had affected me.
‘No, Mia. I’m not sure you do.’ The sad smile was still in place as he sat on the bed. I opened my mouth to say something but hecut me off. ‘It’s late.’ The words were laden with meaning. He was done talking.
Hunter lay back on top of the sheet, his feet dangling over the end of the bed, and closed his eyes. He lifted one arm and laid it across his forehead, blocking some of the light. I flicked the switch and threw the room back into darkness. Sliding down into the bed, I lay for a moment, still and listening. Therain had stopped now, the odd drip as it fell from the sodden leaves the only reminder of the storm. I turned my head and, as my eyes adjusted, I could see Hunter’s arm had already slipped away from his face. The nightmare had drained him. I couldn’t help thinking that the ensuing argument probably hadn’t done much for him either – it had sapped my energy and I hadn’t been fighting demons immediatelyprior to it. I listened for a moment more as I closed my eyes. Hunter’s breathing was soft and steady. I hoped for his sake that it would remain so.
