Page 99 of The Best Little Christmas Shop
‘No. You’ve told me why it won’t work and I countered that by telling you that I know it will.’
‘Nobodyknows something like that for sure.’
‘I had a lot of time to study a whole lot of relationships growing up, and yes, you’re right. Maybe no one can know for certain but I’ve got a damn good idea about this one. You’re all that I need.’
I shoved my fringe out of my eyes. ‘You can’t say that, Cal. You can’t say to someone that you’d love a big family and then go, oh, actually it’s fine, I don’twant that after all. It’s just lying. To yourself. To me. To everyone. It’s not exactly a great foundation for a relationship.’
‘I’m not lying, Lexi. Yes, I would love a big family but the thing I love the most, the thing I want the most, is to be with the woman I love. The woman I can’t stop thinking about. The woman who’s driving me crazy at this moment because she won’t let herself believethat she’s enough. And that anything else is a bonus. Thanks to that mile-wide streak of generosity your family seem to possess, George and I have already pretty much gained a big family. The times I’m with you …’ he gave a sad smile ‘… it’s wonderful. I feel like I have everything in that moment. I’ve never felt a part of something so much as I do when I’m with you and your family. As a child, I’dlie awake and pretend I was part of something special. And then I was. It just took a little longer than I’d hoped for but the bonus of it is that it comes as a package with the most beautiful, kind, funny, and feisty woman I know.’
‘It’s not the same, Cal, and you know it.’
‘Oh my …’ His jaw set as he raked his hands through his hair. ‘What do you want me to say, Lexi?’ he said, his voice breakingwith exasperation and hurt.
I felt the tears I’d been holding on to prick my eyes but I concentrated on keeping them in place.
‘I love you. I want to be with you. Yes, I’ve thought about having more children, but it was just that – a thought. I had no intention of even getting involved with anyone seriously for a long while yet! My plan was just to concentrate on George and my business. Andthen I walked into that little grotto of a Christmas shop, just like I’ve done a hundred times since we moved here, and came face to face with this gorgeous woman about to let fly with a series of expletives in front of my five-year-old. And you know what? I was pretty much lost then and there.’
I opened my mouth to say something, but no words would come. My mouth was dry and my head was spinningat the realisation that Cal had just said he loved me. No matter how much I tried to deny it to myself, I knew I loved him too. Which should make this all so simple. Instead it made it more complicated than ever.
Cal’s hands moved my face, one resting gently each side. ‘Lexi. Look at me.’
I did as he asked.
‘I want you in my life. I want you in George’s life. I want you. I don’t care aboutanything else. We’ll deal with it as it happens.’
‘The main problem is that it doesn’t happen. I … care about you … very much and I can’t bear to think of you resenting me down the line when things don’t work out like you planned.’
I held back, forcing myself not to say the words. Telling Cal Martin I loved him wouldn’t do either of us any good. Better for him to think I cared less than he did.Maybe it would help him deal with it a bit easier.
‘Jesus, woman! You’re impossible! I love you so much it’s driving me mad because all I can think of is you. All the time. And I will never, ever resent you. We might not be able to have any more children and that’s the situation. We still have George who thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and you have so many nieces and nephewsI’ve lost count, plus there’ll soon be Giselle and Xander’s baby, which I believe you’re already godmother of.’
I smiled at the thought of all the little people I loved so dearly, as well as those I was yet to meet. But something still tugged at me.
‘It’s not the same though, is it?’
‘No,’ he said, softly, ‘it’s not the same. But whatever happens, we will have an amazing and very full life.I promise you that. I will never resent you. The only thing I want to do is love you. But I can only do that if you let me. If you’re going to go into something expecting it to break, then it will. But if you let go of everything else, give yourself over to it, I guarantee you’ll be amazed at the things that can happen. But you have to believe in me, Lexi. And you have to believe in yourself. Andright now, I’m not sure you believe enough in either one of us.’
His voice was soft now and his eyes glittered in the moonlight. I wasn’t sure if it was from the vicious north wind that blew into my back, and onto his face or from something far worse.
‘Now, go inside before you freeze to death.’
‘Cal …’
He unlocked the door and put a booted foot up, ready to haul himself in.
‘Go inside, Lexi.Please.’ Sliding behind the wheel, he kept his eyes away from mine, closed the door, and pulled the vehicle out of the drive, onto the road. The sound of the engine faded and the night closed back around me. I looked at the door to my flat and put a foot on the bottom step before remembering that my key was in my coat, which was inside the house.
Plodding back over to the kitchen door, the boots’foamy soles squelching in the damp, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the shivering that was now wracking my body. My teeth chattered and my eyes were streaming. Stepping into the kitchen, the warmth hit me and Apollo lifted his head briefly from his spot by the Aga to check who it was. He looked so comfortable I didn’t blame him for not getting up. He looked so well settled, Ihad my doubts as to whether he’d have moved even if I’d been a burglar, intent on clearing the house.
‘There you are,’ Mum said, coming up behind me, ‘I didn’t know if you’d gone – Lexi? Whatever is the matter?’ she asked, scooping my hair, damp from the cold, back from my face. ‘Goodness, you’re freezing!’ Concern showed on her face as she pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and gentlypushed me down into in. Crouching before me, she rubbed my arms, calling for my dad as she did so.
‘Mum, I’m fine,’ I said. She ignored me and called my dad again. I’d never been a very good fibber and the fact my body was shaking and I could feel tears dropping off the edge of my chin in a steady run, didn’t really aid my cause.
Dad wandered in, his relaxed look changing the moment he saw me.
‘Grab me a blanket would you, love?’ Mum instructed him, and he returned moments later with a thick and cosy one, which he then proceeded to lay around my shoulders, cuddling me into him as he did so. I reached my arms out and wrapped around his waist, unable to control the tears that continued to fall.
‘You’re like a little ice pop,’ he said, moving me off the chair and then pulling me backonto his lap, tucking the blanket back around me. It didn’t matter that I’d turned thirty. I would always be my dad’s little girl. They’d always been here for me. Whether I’d fallen out of a tree, or my heart was in pieces, I always had someone who would wrap their arms around me, rock me, and tell me everything would be all right. I’d never had to comfort myself, never had no one to talk to, laughwith, fight with. I was in pain and I was sat in my dad’s arms, feeling safe and loved. I knew that Cal was hurting too, and he had no one. He was alone.
‘Mum?’ I said, sniffing in a most unladylike manner.
‘Yes?’ she answered, handing me a tissue. I blew and then stood, keeping the blanket wrapped around me, the chills still not quite ready to leave me.
‘Would you mind doing me a favour?’
