Page 86 of The Best Little Christmas Shop
I saw his Adam’s apple bob and faint ridges appeared on his forehead. Silence drifted over us for a moment. I stepped in before he could. ‘At least not easily. I have endometriosis, and the likelihood of me conceiving a child … well, it’s not great.’
Somehow, I felt that framing the information in a more casual, detached form might help the situation feel a little less painful. That it might,by association, allow me to be a little more detached too. But I knew I was kidding myself. The pain of that knowledge, and what it meant, tonight especially, was as real and raw as the moment the doctors had first told me the results and what that meant for me.
‘Are you still in pain?’ Cal asked.
I gave him a wary look and he pulled a face.
‘When I found out George was on the way, you wouldn’tbelieve how many online rabbit holes I fell down,’ he said, explaining his knowledge.
‘Sometimes. It’s not so bad at the moment.’
‘But they think it will come back?’
‘They, and I, know it will.’
‘How long have you had it?’
I looked down at where he’d kept hold of my hand and traced my finger along the fine, silvery scar on the back of his distractedly. ‘Quite a while. I was still living athome when it all started.’
‘Did you know what it was at the time?’
I shook my head. ‘I didn’t even know it existed. That might sound a bit ignorant, I guess, but I just had different interests and girls’ and women’s magazines – places I might have accidentally discovered stuff like that – weren’t exactly my reading matter of choice.’
‘Why doesn’t that surprise me?’ Cal’s voice was soft and,in the low light, I could just about discern the slight curve of his mouth.
I gave a little shrug and returned the almost-smile.
‘So, what happened? How did you find out that’s what you had?’
‘I’d tried to hide how bad it was from my parents. I wasn’t one for scouring the internet when it came to medical stuff, and as it was often centred around that kind of time, I just assumed it was kindof normal in a “really bad period pain” way. Anyway, one day the pain came on so severe, and so sudden, I didn’t have time to get out of the kitchen and ended up curled up in a ball, sobbing. Dad picked me up, and they took me to A&E. I was referred and found to have quite a severe case of endometriosis. They booked me in for surgery and I was put on the contraceptive pill to try and help keep itin check.’
‘You weren’t on that then?’
‘Not then, no. But the trouble was I felt absolutely awful on it. They kept trying different ones. Some gave me such awful headaches, I could barely see. Another I persevered with for ages but I spent most of the morning feeling sick every day I was on it. It was a nightmare trying to find one that agreed with me.’
‘Did you?’
‘Not especially. I just endingup sticking with the one that made me feel the least terrible. It wasn’t ideal but I didn’t have a lot of choice.’
‘And did it help?’
‘I suppose it did. I still had to go back in to hospital a couple of times when it got bad.’
Cal nodded, thoughtful for a moment. ‘Something tells me there’s more to the story.’
I raised my eyes to meet his as I let out a sigh. ‘It’s not something I really talkabout. Only a few people even know, outside my direct family.’
‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Lexi.’
I shook my head. ‘I know. And I’m not. I’m just … not used to talking about it much.’
‘That’s understandable.’ He caught my chin with his forefinger and tilted it up from where I had gone back to studying his hand. ‘But so far I haven’t heard anything that makes me think we can’t make thiswork.’
‘That’s because you haven’t heard the whole story.’
‘Tell me then,’ he said, softly.
I shifted in the seat, and Cal sat back a little, giving me the physical – and mental – space I needed to get the rest of the story out. He wasn’t demanding in his request. He was asking me to share and bearing in mind he’d offered to let me into his life and share him and his son, and I was hell-benton rejecting him, I knew that he deserved an explanation.
