Page 87 of The Best Little Christmas Shop
Something deep inside of me wanted him to know that I wasn’t doing this because I wanted to. I was doing it because I had to. For him. For George. And for me. Doing it now was painful enough. Doing it further down the line meant risking far too many hearts. As it was, mine was already feeling far more bruised than it should after sucha short acquaintance.
‘When I told Marco about everything, when we got engaged, he wasn’t worried. He was adamant that he wanted kids at some point and just as adamant that we’d have no problem. After his accident, he was sat at home and I guess as he wasn’t rushing around at a million miles an hour like he was used to doing in his life, having had to slow down and accept that he needed the recoverytime, he began to notice just how grim the pill made me feel. I’d moved in at that point partly to keep an eye on him and partly because we were both quite swept up in this new phase of our lives and it seemed a natural step.
‘Being in close proximity all the time, I wasn’t quite so able to hide feeling ill from the medication as I was used to doing with everyone. Marco suggested me coming offit just to see how things went.’ I glanced at Cal. ‘I expect you’re thinking we were rushing into things?’
‘I’m not thinking anything except how lucky he was to have you, and I’m trying not to focus on that too much right now.’
‘Opinions change.’
‘Mine won’t. Just so you know.’
I met his eyes and got the distinct feeling he meant every word. But I couldn’t let myself think about that. I hadto do this for all of us. We’d all move on in time, I told myself in what I hoped was a convincing manner. Cal I was sure of; I, on the other hand, was less guaranteed.
‘So, the first couple of times, we used protection …’ I looked up at Cal. ‘This seems so weird telling you all this.’
‘It’s fine. I want to hear it all. And I think you need to tell it.’
‘So, the first time we didn’t use somethingwas a bit of an accident. Late night, too much wine. You know how these things happen.’
He bent his head down and gave me a look.
‘Oh yeah. Good point.’ Little George was a prime example of “how these things happen”. Of course, Cal knew.
‘Anyway, nothing happened that time, or after a few more times. And then I suppose, somehow, we transitioned to actually trying in earnest for a baby. Butevery month was the same. I ended up going back in for more endometriosis surgery at one point and during the follow-up, Marco asked if there was a reason I wasn’t getting pregnant. He hadn’t discussed it with me, just kind of blurted it out there and I guess I felt like he was putting the blame squarely on me. Which I know now that he wasn’t. It’s just the way he is. When things aren’t going rightwith his car, or in his life, he wants to know why, and how it can be fixed. He’s used to getting data and using that to make things better. Except this wasn’t something that could be made better just by having the information.’
‘Had he ever got himself checked out?’
‘Huh?’
‘Your fiancé? Had he ever got himself checked out?’
I shook my head. ‘It wasn’t him, Cal. It’s definitely me.’
Cal openedhis mouth to say something else but seeing the look on my face, closed it, gave my hand a little squeeze and encouraged me to go on.
‘Anyway, the consultant told us that I was starting off at a bit of a disadvantage because of the severity of my endometriosis, even though I’d been taking the pill to help control it, it had certainly lowered my chances of conceiving. At least naturally. Marcobrought up IVF and the possibilities with that, and while the doctor said it was a possible option, he also emphasised that we shouldn’t give up hope and just keep trying naturally.’
‘I imagine that the stress of it all wasn’t exactly conducive to romantic nights in?’ Cal, astute as ever, was exactly right.
‘No. Not really. I could tell walking away from the appointment that something had changed.You know when you just feel a tiny shift in the way things are? Nothing you can exactly put your finger on, but there’s just … something.’
‘And had it?’
‘Yes.’ The word came out sadder than I’d intended and I cleared my throat of the lump that had popped up as I went back to that day in my mind. ‘Our relationship had already changed by that point. What had been a fun-loving one had turned stressful,and we were arguing more and more. We’d argued before over things, even when we were just friends. Well, Marco never called it arguing. He called it having a healthy discussion. Which, I suppose it was usually. Kind of like the arguments I have with my family. But these were different. These were definite arguments.’
‘Was he supportive?’
I nodded. ‘He was. But I knew it was taking its toll onhim too. The constant disappointment month after month. After the accident, Marco got this renewed zest for life. I think that’s why he proposed when he did. He knew he’d been given a second chance in a way. But the longer we were together, the more I saw that life, that joy that he’d always had in his eyes, start to dim. It was awful knowing I was the reason for that.’
‘Lexi. It’s bound to behard, and I doubt it was a picnic for you either.’
I moved my head in a way that suggested he might not be too far off the mark with that assumption. ‘In the end, I told Marco that it was over, and that I’d be gone by the end of the day.’
‘How did he take that?’
Memories flooded in and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes as I remembered it all. ‘Not exactly well. As far as he was concerned,this was just par for the course. He accepted that the problems conceiving had been difficult but told me he’d been looking into IVF and he was sure that would work for us. Being who he is, he had access to the best doctors and treatment centres, and he might have been right. It might have worked. He was convinced that our relationship had just been going through a rough patch, like everyone does,which of course is true. But it wasn’t just a rough patch. I knew that, and I think Marco did too.’ I stopped for a moment as I rummaged in my pocket for a tissue.
‘He wanted to work things out?’ Cal asked softly as I swiped at my eyes.
