Page 141 of My Year of Saying No
‘Why are you here, Seb?’ I asked, my voice quiet.
‘To see you.’
‘Why?’
‘I think you know why.’
I shook my head, furious with myself at the tears that burned in my eyes. ‘A few weeks ago I thought I did, but then everything changed. I don’t even blame you. But that doesn’t mean I can’t just shrug it off like you can.’
‘You think I can shrug you off?’
‘Yes. I do. You did a pretty good job of it on the night of the gala and every day since. So yes. I absolutely do.’
He stepped forward, closing the distance between us. ‘I could never shrug you off. I know you probably don’t believe me, but you’ve been on my mind this entire time.’
‘You’re right. I don’t believe you.’
‘What can I do to change that?’
My kitchen was tiny at the best of times, but with Seb’s bulk filling it, it suddenly became claustrophobic. I pushed past him and headed out into the living room. Humphrey was still snuggling against Seb’s legs. Traitor. I plopped down on the sofa and left them to it.
‘Men,’ I muttered.
Two minutes later, Seb appeared with a cup of tea, made just the way I like it, which he put down in front of me, and Humphrey, whom he placed next to me on the sofa. Humph immediately clambered over and found a comfy spot on my lap.
‘Oh, now you’re interested?’ I grumbled at him, stroking his fur. ‘Thank you for the tea.’
‘You’re welcome.’ Seb looked at the space next to me. ‘May I sit?’
I shrugged in a ‘whatever’ manner and he took it as a yes.
‘I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. Especially after I promised I’d never do that again, and I know that having screwed up once, I probably don’t even deserve another chance, but I’ve come here to ask if there was any way you could find it in your heart to forgive me.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think so, Seb. I’m sorry.’
He nodded. ‘I understand,’ he said, a crack in his voice. ‘And I won’t take up your time any longer than I have to. But, if you would give me a few minutes, I think you deserve an explanation. Once I’ve told you, I’ll leave you in peace, and will, as you suggest, advertise for a PA so that you don’t have to deal with me any more.’
I looked round at him. ‘Does it matter now?’ I asked, softly.
‘It does to me. And I think it does to you too.’
I shook my head. ‘I already know, Seb. I saw your face when you saw her. I don’t really think you were planning on using me. I don’t know why I said that. But I understand, and I know you’re hurting too. It’s bound to be a shock when the woman you love tells you she’s getting married. As far as you’re concerned, it’s you that should be marrying her. Finding out, especially like that, can’t have been easy, and I’m sorry for that. Whatever did or didn’t happen between us, I wouldn’t wish hurt on you. You’ve been through enough.’
‘I don’t need your pity, Lottie.’ His words were soft. There was no accusation, just a statement.
‘I’m not pitying you, Seb. I’ve never pitied you. I’ve admired you, liked you, loved you. But I’ve never pitied you.’
He reached out and took my hand. ‘I’m not in love with Maria, Lottie. Yes, seeing her took me by surprise, and when she said she was getting married, it threw me back into my memories. We were supposed to get married shortly after I finished my tour, after all. When I got injured, we postponed the wedding. And then we postponed it again. I think both of us knew it wasn’t going to work. I’d changed and Maria was struggling with coming to terms with the fact that the life she had planned out for us now was going to be a lot different. I tried to tell her that it didn’t have to alter and that I was determined it wouldn’t. I refused to acknowledge a lot to start with and my anger, stubbornness, pain and everything else that comes with it started taking its toll on our relationship.’
‘That’s understandable. It can’t have been easy on either of you.’
‘No. I don’t think I realised how hard it was on her until I started the charity. As you know, we do our best to support the family as well as the service personnel. Listening to some of the partners’ stories, I guess it gave me a new perspective on what it must have been like for Maria. I’d felt angry with her for a long time, but I was able to let that go and have more empathy for her situation. But I hadn’t seen her since the day she left until I saw her at the gala. I’m surprised she was there, but her fiancé is a great supporter and it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s been influenced by Maria. Seeing her set off a whole slew of emotions, you’re right. But you’re wrong if you think it’s because I’m still in love with her. I just got thrown back into some memories and I didn’t want to drag you into that.’
‘You should have given me the choice.’
He brushed his thumb across the back of my hand and I tried to ignore the feelings his touch ignited within me. ‘I should,’ he answered, simply. ‘But I was scared. I’d lost a woman I loved once already and I was scared that if I invited you in, I might lose you too.’ He shifted on the sofa, closing the gap. Humphrey shuffled around, stretching himself so that his bum was on my leg and his head on Seb’s thigh. ‘I can’t lose you, Lottie. I thought I’d felt pain before, but when I got your email, I knew I’d blown it. I thought I was trying to protect you, but I wasn’t. I was trying to protect myself.’
‘I think you think I’m more easily scared than I am.’
