Page 116 of My Year of Saying No
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I waved, sticking a smile on my face that felt like it needed a lot more glue. ‘Unfortunately, I do have to go though.’
‘Oh…’
‘Nooooooo!’ the children raced round and grabbed onto me. ‘You have to stay! You promised.’
Shit. Thanks, Seb.
‘I know I said I could, but I… have to go and pick my doggy up.’ Great. And now I was lying to children. I was officially a bad person.
‘You could get your doggy and come back!’ Isla tugged on my arm. ‘Please!’
I gritted my teeth to try and stop the tears that were stupidly threatening to form.
‘Lottie can come back another time, Isla. She has to go now though, otherwise her doggy will be sad, and we don’t want that, do we?’ Jamie scooped up his daughter, catching my eye and giving the faintest of smiles which I returned.
‘No. No sad doggies.’ The little girl rested her head against her father’s chest.
‘Exactly.’
‘Thank you so much for having me!’ I said brightly before giving them all a hug goodbye. As I got to Seb’s dad, he gave me an extra squeeze.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.
I pulled back and met his eyes, smiling, and gave the tiniest shake of my head. And with that, I headed out to my car.
Seb followed.
‘You don’t need to come out. It’s getting cooler now. You should go back in.’
‘You forgot your plant.’ He held it out to me.
‘Oh! Oh right, thank you.’ I took it from him and went round to the boot, wedging the pot in between a jacket I’d forgotten was in there and some shopping bags, ensuring it couldn’t tip over and get damaged.
I walked back to the front and Seb pulled the door open for me. I slid in and tried not to think about how he was the only one whom I hadn’t hugged. Or that it was the only time since I’d first met him in person we hadn’t hugged goodbye. All of a sudden, it really did feel like goodbye.
‘Drive safely.’
I nodded and closed the door after me, turning the key with the other hand as I did so, suddenly wanting to be far away from it all, and him. Hoping that would make it easier. I raised a hand in a half wave but didn’t turn to look and pulled away.
I rang Mum on the way home, telling her I’d be swinging by to pick Humphrey up. She asked how it went and I gave her the highlights, leaving out the bit about Seb’s and my friendship apparently imploding. I wasn’t ready to talk about that just yet.
A short while later, I was back at home, having deferred staying for a cuppa at Mum’s with the excuse of having a blinding headache, which was actually true. It had come on in the car and only got worse. So now I was home, in my pyjamas, with my dog. This was where I belonged. This was how things were meant to be. Any thoughts of it being different, of something perhaps developing with Seb and me, allowing myself to become a part of something else, had been well and truly obliterated. That life clearly wasn’t for me. I’d spent over seven years living with someone who had never even suggested marriage, or a family, and the dates I’d gone on last year hadn’t exactly warmed me to the theme that there might actually be someone out there worth my time. And, more importantly, my heart. And then, despite all attempts not to, I’d ridiculously let myself begin to think far too much about Seb Marshall. Which had probably been the biggest mistake of all.
‘What the hell was I even thinking, Humph?’ I asked, stroking the little dog’s fuzzy body. He was sprawled across me, as though pinning me down so I wouldn’t disappear again. But I had absolutely no intention of doing that. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have gone up to the allotment with his dad.’ I said and smiled as he lifted his head and looked at me for a moment before flopping back down with a sigh. ‘Yeah. You’re probably right. I did enjoy it. Although maybe if I hadn’t chattered on quite so much, I wouldn’t have fallen out with Seb now but… I don’t know. It felt like his dad had been wanting to get those words out for a long time, but maybe he needed someone separate, not entwined with the family, to be able to talk. Or maybe it’s just that I can natter on a bit sometimes when I relax and that can encourage others to do the same.’
Humphrey yawned, emitting a little squeak as he did so.
‘Sorry. Am I boring you?’
He made a grumble.
‘Either way, I’m glad he talked to me if it’s done anything to lighten his load a little. Even if it was at the price of my friendship with Seb. To be honest, if Seb doesn’t know I’d never break his, or anyone else’s, confidence, then maybe he doesn’t know me as well as he thought he did. Or as well I thought he did. So, actually, all of this is a good thing, isn’t it? I mean, showing things for what they are?’
Humphrey looked round at me and, I swear to god, if he could talk, he’d have said ‘What a crock’, but in the light of the fact he couldn’t, I decided to take his expression as one of agreement that I was entirely right and I should waste no more time on the matter.
The headache tablets I’d taken earlier didn’t seem to be having a massive effect, other than making me feel drowsy. Truth was, I felt exhausted. Denial, apparently, could be incredibly draining.
‘Come on, matey. Let’s get your ablutions done so I can get to bed and sleep this clanger off.’
