Page 50 of You Only Live Once
‘Which bit of the sentence “I don’t want a dog” did you not understand last night?’
‘Fine.’ He held up his hands. ‘There really is no point trying to talk to you, is there?’
‘I see the true Jack is showing his colours now. It did seem to be too good to be true that you’d changed that much. Still full of yourself, aren’t you? You’re like a stick of rock. If they cut you open, it would say arrogance all the way through. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you, they’re automatically the one in the wrong.’
‘Except it’s not just me that feels this way, is it?’ he snapped back. ‘Felix has been trying to get you back into the real world for God knows how many years. I don’t know why he keeps bothering. You’re clearly so set in your wallowing ways, even all these years later, you’re never going to change.’
I opened my mouth to argue, but Jack was there before me. ‘I know you went through an awful, awful, tragic thing. But it’s like you stopped living that day as well. Some people don’t get that choice, Lily. I used to work with a guy out in New Zealand. Fit and healthy as an ox, at least we thought he was, and then one day he collapsed. They rushed him to hospital and found a brain tumour that had spread cancer throughout his body. Absolutely nothing they could do. Suddenly this young, fit guy who had all this life in front of him had it snatched away, just like your husband. Neither of them had a choice. But you have a choice and you’re wasting it!’ His eyes burned through me for a moment before he turned on his heel and slapped his thigh once, at which the dog trotted up, glancing back at me as he did so.
‘She’s not coming.’ Jack spoke to the dog without looking at me as he pulled on his boots. ‘Come on, boy.’ Clive gave a small whine as he looked at me.
‘Go on,’ I said gently, feeling my voice thick in my throat. ‘Go and have a lovely walk with Jack.’
Jack opened the door, gestured for the dog to go through, then closed it behind him, leaving a heavy silence in his wake.
* * *
I dropped down onto the sofa and rested my head in my hands, feeling the cooked breakfast which had been so enjoyable to eat, despite the atmosphere, now sitting leaden in the pit of my stomach. Jack had gone too far, whether he admitted it or not, but deep down, I also knew he was right. It was just that nobody had ever been so blunt about it with me before. I’d had heated discussions with my brother, of course, but he knew where to draw the line. Jack seemed to have no idea that there even was a line.
I looked over at the empty dog bed and saw a squashy hot dog with a face tucked into the side of it. Clive must have been cuddling it when I came down last night. The thought made me smile, despite the tear that trickled down my face and dropped off my chin. Walking over to the bed, I crouched down and tidied the blankets and the couple of toys up, making sure it was comfortable for when Clive came back. Knowing Jack, he would walk for miles, so the poor dog would probably be exhausted.
Suddenly the back door opened and I jumped, losing my balance and ending up bum-first on the floor.
‘Sorry,’ Jack said, looking as though he genuinely meant it and reaching down a hand for me to take to pull myself up again.
‘It’s fine. I just…’ Jack looked from me to the dog bed and back to me again. ‘I was just tidying up and I didn’t expect you back so soon.’
‘I forgot Hot Dog.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I forgot Hot Dog,’ he said, pointing to the toy that I was still holding in my hand. ‘I bought it for Clive a couple of weeks ago and he’s grown quite attached to it. He doesn’t like to go anywhere without it now.’
I smiled in spite of myself. ‘You’d better take it, then.’ I handed it over.
‘Thanks.’ Jack turned back to the door, one hand on the side of it. Without looking back at me he spoke. ‘I know you probably don’t think it, but I absolutely hate arguing with you. I can’t bear seeing you cry, and I never meant to upset you. But I want you to live rather than just exist.’ With that, he opened the door and was quickly gone.
I heard his boots crunching on the gravel as he walked around to the car and then an excited bark as Clive obviously saw his favourite toy. In the sky, a few wispy clouds decorated the solid blue, and a gentle, warm breeze drifted in through the open window. I stood for a moment watching the clouds float lazily along.
‘Oh God, that man!’ I cursed as I pulled the door open and ran round to where the cars were parked. Jack was just reversing out but stopped as he saw me, buzzing down a window.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘What’s wrong is that you’re a huge pain in the arse and I’m wishing I’d never agreed to having you stay here. But secondly, do you have a couple of minutes to wait for me?’
‘As you asked so nicely…’ He looked back towards the dog in the boot. ‘What do you reckon, boy? Should we wait for her?’
I narrowed my eyes at Jack. ‘Give me two minutes.’
16
We’d been driving for a while now. I turned occasionally to see Clive looking contentedly out of the back window.
‘He’s very good in the car, isn’t he?’
Jack looked back at the dog in the rear-view mirror. ‘He is. He’s a good boy, generally.’
There was silence between us for a moment before I spoke again. ‘It’s not that I don’t think he’s a lovely dog. It’s just that they are a commitment, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.’
