Page 91 of You Only Live Once
‘This. Us.’
‘Since when?’ His voice took on a hard edge and the green eyes I loved so much lost their warmth.
‘I think we both got caught up in something. The premiere, living on top of one another… we just got carried away. I think we both know that.’
‘I don’t know that at all. I think it’s entirely the opposite. I think we both waited until we were absolutely sure.’ He took a step towards me. ‘You know this is right, Lily. I know you do.’ He took my hand. ‘I know the accident freaked you out and I’m so sorry about that, but I’m fine. The hospital confirmed it with scans. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘This time,’ I said, pulling away from him and putting more space between us. If I didn’t do that, I couldn’t carry on with what I knew needed to be done. ‘You were all right this time.’
‘There won’t be a next time. It was just an accident.’
‘A freak accident!’ I cried, repeating the phrase I’d not been able to shake from the moment the builder had said it. ‘A freak accident, just like Mike’s death was a freak accident, and yours could have been just as serious. You were lucky this time. I can’t deal with having to hear those words again – there’s been an accident. Next time, it might…’ I couldn’t finish the sentence.
‘You don’t need to think about that, Lily. You can’t think about that all the time. None of us would do anything if all we considered were the risks. I thought you were happy?’
‘I am happy. So happy, but don’t you see? That’s the whole point. I can’t risk it again. I can’t risk losing this happiness.’
‘Lily, I’m not going anywhere.’
‘You can’t say that! You don’t know! It’s not up to us, is it? Mike told me the same thing. He promised he would never leave me and then I lost him. You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.’
‘Lily.’ Jack took a step towards me and when I tried to step back, I bumped into the countertop. He was close now. Too close. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and never let him go. To feel safe, pressed against his solid, reassuring bulk and feel cared for and loved like I had in the past few weeks, something I’d never thought I would feel again. But I couldn’t. I knew the longer I was with Jack the harder I would fall, and I was already well in over my head. It would be painful to stop this now but having it ripped away at some point down the line was too unbearable to even consider.
‘Jack, I know you have good intentions, but you can’t make a promise to be there because there’s always a possibility that for one reason or another you might not be. Some things are beyond your control. And I’m sorry, but I’m just not prepared to risk it.’
He took a step back, his body tense now and his eyes dark with anger as he crossed his arms across his broad chest.
‘There’s more than one way to lose somebody, Lily. We’ve both been given a second chance at happiness here, and I can’t speak for you, but I know I’m happier than I’ve ever been. And you’re prepared to throw that all away?’
I looked away from him out to the garden that I’d always loved and that he had made even more beautiful. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in his eyes. I hated the accusatory tone in his voice because I knew that everything he said was true. But I couldn’t change how I felt and could only hope that one day he would understand and forgive me.
‘So what happens now? You’re just going to spend the rest of your life living in the shadows for fear of what might happen? You were spared that day, Lily. And if I could change the past for you and bring Mike back, I would, even though it would mean I’d never have had any of this with you, so believe me, that’s not something I take lightly.’ He flashed me a black look, his eyes like cold green emeralds.
‘I haven’t taken it lightly either.’
‘You could have fooled me.’ He strode across the room to the threshold, staring out at the garden. The dog hurried over to him and rested against his leg, a small questioning whimper the only sound to break the tension.
‘It’s all right, boy.’ Jack crouched down, making a fuss of him and soothing his upset.
‘None of us knows how much longer we have on this earth, Lily.’ Jack spoke, his back still to me. ‘That’s why we have to make the most of it. Every day could be our last but spending the whole time thinking about that means you never do anything and waste your life. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through what you did, but you were spared, and you should be celebrating that, not hiding away. Not everyone gets this sort of chance for happiness so when it comes you need to grab it with both hands and not let go, no matter what.’
I stayed silent, my hands behind me gripping the cold, hard edge of the worktop to stop me running across the kitchen and into Jack’s arms. He didn’t understand, and I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t blame him for being angry. I was just as furious with myself, but the fear of losing him further down the line was more than I could bear.
When I didn’t reply, Jack turned and watched me for a second, then pushed his hands roughly back through his hair. ‘I was under the impression that this, us, meant as much to you as it did to me. I can see now that I was mistaken.’
‘You weren’t.’
He gave a cold, hollow laugh, so unlike his warm, rich regular one. ‘Yes, Lily. I was. I love you with everything I have, and there’s absolutely no way that I would ever, could ever, walk away from you. I know I didn’t go through what you did, and I can’t even pretend to understand that pain, but I’m here now and so are you. And yet you’re still throwing it all away.’
‘Jack, please try to understand.’
‘I’ll never understand, Lily. Never.’ He snatched up his keys from the bowl and walked out of the house without another word. Moments later, I heard the rumble of his pickup engine starting and the tyres crunch through the gravel as he left.
Clive padded over to me, confused by the fact that Jack hadn’t taken him with him. ‘It’s OK, boy. He’ll be back later. I’ll take you out now, how’s that?’
Ordinarily Clive would be bouncing about, dancing on his paws at the prospect of going out but, sensing something was wrong, he was currently walking between me and back to the open doors of the house, clearly looking for Jack.
I went upstairs to close the windows and change into some shorts. Through the open door, I heard the soft, unhappy whine of Clive. I did my best to push all the emotions to the back of my mind and changed my clothes but suddenly the reality of the situation overwhelmed me and, the next thing I knew, I was sitting crumpled against the bed, sobbing like I hadn’t done for years.
