Page 93 of You Only Live Once
‘OK, fair enough. But you’re still locking yourself inside as though it was one. You started going out, Lily, you went to a bloody premiere, for God’s sake, and you survived. I’d even go so far as to say you enjoyed it. You started having a life again, Lily. And you were happy.’
‘I’m still happy.’
My brother scrubbed his hands up and down his face. ‘You are so not happy! You are the complete opposite of happy, and that’s all your own doing!’
I felt the tears burning down my cheeks. ‘Are you finished?’
Felix pushed the cake away. ‘Yeah. I’m finished.’ He stepped off the bar stool, gave the dog’s head a quick rub and left without saying goodbye. I jumped as the heavy front door slammed shut behind him. Poppy and I sat there for a moment in silence. My brother and I had argued before, but never like this, and he’d never once left without saying goodbye.
‘I’d better go,’ she said, and I realised her eyes were full of tears.
‘I’m so sorry, Poppy, I never meant to hurt anyone.’
‘I know you didn’t, Lils. It just makes him so sad when he thinks of the things that you have missed out on and he was so happy when you began…’ She spread her hands. ‘Living again. It’s just hard for him to see you so unhappy and retreating back into yourself. He’s worried and sad for you and unfortunately it’s come out as anger because he’s frustrated.’ She gave me a hug before bending and ruffling Clive’s fur and placing a kiss on top of his head.
‘Felix is right about the wedding, though,’ she said, turning at the front door. ‘It’s this weekend so too late to cancel on them and, as he said, they are looking forward to seeing you. You were all such great friends growing up. I think it would be rude to cancel now.’ With that, she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and crunched off across the gravel to the car in which Felix sat waiting. Neither of them looked back as they drove off. I had never felt so alone. The click of toenails made me look down.
‘Come on, boy, let’s go for a walk.’ It was the last thing I felt like doing but I’d upset people close to me and right now it felt like Clive was the only good thing I had, and he asked for so little.
* * *
The golden blaze of sunrise melted into a clear sky of cerulean blue, the temperature generously staying at a mild level considering the time of year. I hadn’t heard from Felix since the argument and unusually only received one text message from Poppy saying that she hoped I was OK, followed by a hug emoticon. I knew now that, despite trying to fool myself for the past couple of months, I was far from OK. I hadn’t been from the moment I told Jack it wasn’t going to work. I’d hurt people including those who had supported me at a time I needed it the most. Felix was right. I should have got help but refused to see the need for it, instead shutting myself away and thinking that closing myself off to everyone and everything would protect me from hurt. In the end, it hadn’t, and had only spread the hurt to other people, good people, something I would struggle to ever forgive myself for.
Parking the car in the playground car park, I walked up to the village. Had I had my hiking boots on I could have walked, but the church was a little far for me to go the whole way in heels.
Approaching the church, I could see the crowds of people, and wondered if we’d all fit in there. There were whispers behind hands but there were also waves and smiles and I did my best to keep my head held high. I could have rung Felix, apologised and gone in with them but I knew I needed to do this alone, to prove to him and to myself that I could do it. Jack had been right when he’d said I was living in the shadows and I had been for far too long. It was time to step into the light, no matter how scary and bright it felt right at this moment.
‘Auntie Lily!’ Ruby’s little legs carried her along until she ran into my arms and I crouched down and swept her up. ‘I didn’t know you were coming today! I miss you!’ She gave me a big kiss on the cheek and I willed myself not to cry. It had taken me over two hours to try to replicate Jemima’s beautiful make-up from before, trying to remember the tips she’d given me as she’d done it, explaining every stage. Thankfully the mascara was waterproof as I cuddled Ruby’s little body to me and she hooked her legs around my waist as we walked on towards the rest of my family.
Freddy, seeing me, ran out to join us and I bent down to give him a kiss, which he then shyly turned away from, seeing a couple of boys from school. Still, he searched for my spare hand with his and held tightly as we headed through the lychgate and into the grounds of the church.
‘You look beautiful,’ Poppy said, kissing my cheek as we exchanged a look that said so much more than words.
‘Thank you. So do you. I love the hat!’
I turned to my brother. ‘Hi.’
Felix wrapped me in the most enormous hug, encompassing his daughter within it as her little arms clung around my neck. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.
‘Nothing to be sorry for. It’s me who should apologise for so much.’
He shushed me and kissed my temple.
We separated and Poppy tactfully took Ruby off me and led her and Freddy to a little bench where she took a couple of treats out of her bag to distract them for a moment or two, leaving Felix and me alone.
‘I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’m sorry. I wanted to apologise before now, but Poppy thought it might be wise to give us both some time to calm down properly.’
‘That wisdom is another reason why I have the best sister-in-law and you have the best wife.’
‘I think you’re right.’
There was silence between us for a moment, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. We walked until we were far enough away from others not to be overheard. ‘I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all you.’
‘I know you didn’t,’ said Felix. ‘You were dealing with something awful in the best way you could. I shouldn’t have exploded like I did the other day.’
‘Maybe you should have. I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past couple of months and the other day just confirmed some extra things for certain. I’ve missed out on so much and I don’t want to miss out on anything else.’
Being in a public place my brother kept his face stoic, but the tight hug he wrapped me in said everything it needed to. We both glanced over to where their children and Poppy were and, through that silent communication that husband and wife often have, Poppy allowed the children to hare back over to us as she followed at a more sedate pace. Ruby retook her position on my hip as Freddy leant against his dad’s leg.
