Page 99 of Just Say Yes
‘I know. But I still wouldn’t.’
‘I know. But sometimes you have to save yourself.’
‘Not always easy in the moment.’
‘Nope.’
We sat in silence for a few moments, listening to the wind and the waves and sea birds I couldn’t identify wheeling around above the ruins before disappearing back over the edge and swooping across the sea.
‘My mum was killed in a car accident the night of my graduation from university.’
34
I felt Lorcan shift beside me. ‘Maddie, you don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to.’
‘I want to,’ I said, turning to face him. The scarf had already slipped but I tugged it down further so that he could see my face properly. Or read it, whatever it was he did.
‘OK.’
I swallowed and studied my feet for a couple of minutes. Lorcan didn’t hurry me, or say a word. He just sat there, as solid and as present as the stone boulder beneath us.
‘They were so excited about the day and I was too. I’d worked hard on my degree and got a First and had all these dreams and plans. My parents were really supportive and always ready to listen to an idea, support me in it but also give me good, down-to-earth advice. We talked a lot. I knew some of the students didn’t talk a lot to their parents, but I’d ring mine often, even if it was just for a few minutes to say hi, and speak to my little brother. He was a bit of an oops moment so there was quite an age gap between us. At twelve, he was still just on the cusp of wanting to chat to his big sister, which I loved. I had no idea what he was talking about sometimes but he was always full of enthusiasm for it, whatever it was.’
‘Sounds like a family trait.’
I looked round briefly and smiled, feeling the overwhelming wave of sadness in it. ‘Yes. We had a wonderful day. I didn’t trip on my gown, so I’d called that a win, and then we went out for a lovely meal at this fancy restaurant Dad had booked as a surprise. We had champagne, although Dad only had a sip because he was driving. He’d put another bottle in the fridge for when we got home so that he could toast me properly. Even my little brother, Henry, tried a bit. Not that he liked it,’ I said, laughing at the memory but feeling, and hearing, the fracture in my voice. ‘So basically, Mum and I got to polish off a bottle, which we didn’t complain about.’
Lorcan moved his gloved hand so that it butted up against my mittened one on the rock. It was the simplest gesture but I felt a wave of gratitude towards him. It was enough. Just enough to say, ‘I’m here.’
‘We weren’t that far from home really. Just the last bit of the motorway. One minute I was tucking the blanket back over my brother, who’d fallen asleep, and the next all I remember is lights. Huge white lights beaming directly in front of us, then the most ungodly noise I ever heard for a fraction of a split second. Not even a blink of an eye.’
I looked back out over the dark ocean but, in my mind, all I could see was that night.
‘You don’t have to go on.’
‘I’d like to.’
This time he gently lifted my hand and placed it within his own. I kept my focus on the water. If I looked at him now, I wouldn’t be able to do it, and I really did want to. I didn’t know why. Every time I came to Ireland, it had an effect on me, and Lorcan was no exception. In fact he probably had the biggest effect of all. But watching and listening to him with his mum this afternoon had dredged up memories and feelings and now they were clamouring to be heard.
‘I must have blacked out for a bit but when I came round, the car was on its side several hundred feet from where we’d started. It was crumpled around us and I could see the front was just…’ I swallowed and Lorcan tightened his hold. He got the idea.
‘I started calling my parents. Screaming for them, I suppose. I don’t know. And then for my brother. Suddenly, he made a noise and I felt about for him. We were all folded into this tiny piece of metal although, from what I could make out in the dark, the door on my brother’s side had gone. I felt around him and it was all wet. He was making these tiny little sounds and all I could say was how much I loved him and how he had to be strong for me and Mum and Dad and that we’d be out of here soon and back home.’
Lorcan let out the faintest of sighs.
‘I don’t know if I believed that or not at the time. I think it was the only thing my brain could cope with. Anything other than that was just impossible. I wouldn’t let it be possible.’
I swiped at my eyes and nose with my mitten.
‘It felt like forever but apparently it was only about ten minutes before the rescue services were on site. I was making the most noise so I was the one they were less worried about. Mum and Dad were silent but Henry was still making little sounds. I’d found his hand and was holding it but I could feel his grip getting weaker. I’m sure I was a nightmare for the poor rescue crews, screaming at them to help him. The helicopter landed for him and they managed to finally get him out. I wanted to go with him and initially they weren’t going to let me because I was in a bit of a state. It was hard to tell whose blood was whose at that point but once he was out I calmed down and they let me accompany him, especially, I think, because he was a minor.’
I pushed myself up from the rock, sliding my hand from Lorcan’s, suddenly feeling the need to be moving. Wrapping my arms around myself, I took a couple of steps to the left, no nearer to the edge and still close to Lorcan. ‘I asked the fire and paramedic crews working on the car to look after my parents and tell them I’d talk to them soon, then got in with Henry.’
Breathing in the salty, biting air, I felt the chill of it down into my lungs and took another deep inhale.
‘We lost Henry during the flight. His injuries were too traumatic to survive.’
‘Oh, Maddie.’ Lorcan was up and beside me, his hands cradling my face. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
