Page 20 of Never Too Late
‘You’re leaving?’ Madame Bertholle broke the silence, a hint of surprise in her tone. ‘But we’ve yet to order.’
‘Madame Bertholle,’ I addressed her in French. ‘I may be young, but I’m not stupid. It’s clear you invited me here to vet me and decide if I’m good enough for your son. I think it is obvious to everyone that you’ve already made a decision, therefore I won’t waste any more of your and, more importantly, my time.’ I stood from the table, forcing a coolness onto my features as I looked at Tomas for the last time. ‘And the truth is, today has helped me discover that actually, he’s not good enough for me. Enjoy your meal.’
Try not to choke.
I kissed Gabby on the cheeks, picked up my clutch bag and strode confidently out of the restaurant. The summer heat had been building all week. Today, the thick, moisture-laden clouds had blanketed the city all day. As I walked quickly in my sensible shoes back to my tiny rented flat, cool, fat raindrops began to fall, bouncing off the pavements, releasing the scent of petrichor as it fell upon the parched earth and finally, I released the tears and pain, the sky’s tears mixing with my own.
12
‘When I got back to my room, I tore up all the photos and ephemera we’d collected together, stuffed the pieces in an envelope and posted them back to him.’
‘Oh, Mum.’ Sash wrapped her arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I held her close. ‘It’s all right, darling. It was a long time ago now. I was young. As Mr Bennet says inPride and Prejudice, it probably did me good to have my heart broken.’
Her brow rumpled. ‘I always thought that was a mean thing to say to his daughter.’
‘Yes, well. We both know he had a lot of shortcomings as a father. Unlike your own.’ I placed my hand against her cheek. ‘It was painful at the time but if I hadn’t left after my course finished, then I wouldn’t have got together with your dad and had you.’
‘But you haven’t been happy for a long time, have you?’ She took my hand, touching the ruby ring that had been my grandmother’s. ‘I mean, before you split up. It was more circumstance than real love, wasn’t it?’
‘Oh, Sash. No. Well, yes. In a way, it was circumstance and perhaps if things had been different then I wouldn’t have gone out with him. He was different. Quiet. But so kind. And I did love him. And him me. And we still care very much about each other even now. We might not have had a particularly eventful marriage but we were happy for a long time.’
‘But would you have got married if it hadn’t been for me?’ She looked up and I saw tears in her eyes. ‘I just feel like me coming along made you both settle for something that you wouldn’t have chosen for yourselves.’
I took her face between my hands, my throat thick now with emotion. That night in Paris had changed me in a lot of ways. Despite the show I’d put on for the Bertholles, my confidence was shattered. I withdrew into myself, finished my course and returned to England with my heart and dreams in tatters.
‘Sasha. You’re right. Perhaps life wouldn’t have brought us together if I’d stayed longer in Paris. But the reality is it did. And yes, I left that dream, that man, behind. But, oh, my darling, I got a much, much better dream. I got you. Nothing could top that. Ever.’
‘But when you had me, you lost yourself.’ Sash sat back and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Automatically, I leant over and offered her a box of tissues. She snuffled her thanks through a tissue and blew her nose.
‘What do you mean, love? That I lost myself.’
She took another tissue and wiped her eyes. ‘Listening to you talk about your time in Paris, it just shows up all your plans, how…’ she waved her hands as she searched for the right word, just as she’d done since a tot. ‘…alive you were. How vibrant.’
I tried not to be wounded.
‘Oh, Mum. Don’t look like that.’ She wrapped both her arms around one of mine. ‘I think you’re amazing. You know that.’
I let out a sound that was half-huff, half-laugh. ‘It’s OK. I think we both know I’m not terribly vibrant these days.’
To be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt remotely so. Talking about my time in Paris had felt like I was describing a different life. A different girl.
‘She’s still in there, you know?’ Sash nudged me.
‘Who?’
‘That girl,’ she replied, as though reading my mind.
This time, I did laugh. ‘Oh, I don’t think so.’
Sasha didn’t laugh. ‘I do. I know she is.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I think it’s about time you went back to Paris and found her. Look.’ Sash grabbed my tablet from the table and switched it on, putting in my passcode.
‘I didn’t know you knew that.’
She flicked me a glance, rolled her eyes and went back to her task.
‘Come on, let’s look at some flats in Paris.’
