Page 42 of Never Too Late
‘Don’t say things like that. Don’t put yourself down like that.’
‘I’m not. Not really.’
He sat back and folded his arms, an expression of ‘don’t bullshit me’ arranging itself on his features. I’d seen it once before when we were on holiday. Sash and her friends had returned early from a night out, fed up that they hadn’t been able to get into a swanky bar that they’d all been looking forward to trying. They’d been told by the bouncer it was full even though they’d gone early. Ashok had packed them and us into a town car and driven them back to the club. He and I had walked up to the entrance and magically, the rope had been set aside at his natural air of success and wealth. As he stepped past the rope, he turned to the bouncer and with the look he’d just given me, advised him that ‘as they apparently weren’t full after all’, he had a few friends joining him. At his sign, the other four strode in, heads high. He’d made a point of telling them to look confident, that they belonged there and not that they were being granted some magical access that they should grovel and be thankful for. They’d done exactly that, the girls swishing in with swaying hips and all of them with confidence to spare, whether real or imagined. The bouncer had shifted his weight, opened his mouth to say something then taken one look at Ashok’s face and wisely changed his mind.
Once inside, the kids had all chattered over each other with laughter and excitement. I’d loved Ashok even more for that act. The fact he wasn’t about to let people he cared about be arbitrarily judged ‘not good enough’ by a bouncer and then showed them they were entitled to be there just as much as anyone else and have the confidence of knowing it was so kind and so Ashok.
‘Look around you, Ashok! Everyone is stylish and chic. You, for a start. And then there’s me in a dress I’ve had twenty years, the one I always pull out for “nice dinners” because it’s plain and sensible and familiar.’
‘Chanel always said you couldn’t go wrong with a little black dress.’
‘Oh my God, Chanel would cut me dead! I dread to think what she’d say about my style, or lack thereof.’
‘True. But she judged everyone harshly. OK. Bad example but the sentiment remains.’
‘I know, but… I used to know what made me feel good. What I looked good in and now I don’t feel like I know myself at all. I’ve been someone’s wife, someone’s mother for so long – not that I haven’t enjoyed those roles – but somewhere along the line,Idisappeared.’
‘Then perhaps this isn’t a mistake after all, returning to Paris, I mean. You say when you were here before, you felt you knew who you were. So take the time to explore not only the city, but yourself. I’m pretty sure you’re going to find yourself in Paris once more.’ He paused and pulled a face. ‘Out loud that sounds a bit wanky but you get the gist.’
I burst out laughing, the tension I’d been holding onto evaporating as I did so.
‘Such poetry!’
He was laughing too now. ‘I know. I’m a businessman with the heart of a poet.’
‘Clearly.’
The worries of earlier dissipated in the company of such a good, uplifting friend. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps this was the balm I needed to salve my practically non-existent ego and begin, slowly, to rebuild the confidence I’d once had. One step at a time. I’d put all this pressure on myself but the truth was, I didn’t need to.
‘You should explain to Sasha how you feel.’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t. She’ll just tell me I look great and I’m fine.’
‘I know. But what does she think at the moment?’
‘I don’t know,’ I replied with a shrug. ‘That I want my privacy, maybe.’
‘Despite having not objected before?’
I turned that over for a moment then sighed. ‘Fine! I’ll tell her. Now can you stop being all Wise Guru Man and get us some food? I’m starving.’
18
Having placed our orders, I sat back and took in the luxe surroundings.
‘What do you think?’ he asked.
‘About the hotel?’
‘Yes. I’m interested in a second opinion.’
‘OK.’ I rested my chin on my hand. ‘Well, it’s obviously popular, the restaurant at least. That’s a good sign. The décor is rich without being too intimidating.’ I cast my eyes over it again. ‘Actually, that’s a lie. It’s incredibly intimidating but to be honest, everything feels a bit intimidating to me at the moment but it didn’t feel that way when I walked in with you. You’re a human intimidation shield.’
He laughed. ‘Go on.’
‘It’s probably just preference but the welcome at reception was a bit aloof for me. I mean, I’m sure that is “cool”.’ I made bunny ears with my fingers. ‘But the slightly snooty air didn’t really hit the spot for me.’
‘I agree. Anything else?’
