Page 17 of Fighter
Chapter Seventeen
Confessions
The lights that surrounded the pool lit up his room, so Chris rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. Never leaving the safety of these four walls again sounded pretty good at the moment. A knock on the door startled him, as if he’d forgotten where he was. He wanted to ignore whoever it was, roll over and sleep until the end of time. “Chris, sweetie, you going to come eat? Or do you want me to bring you up a plate?”Dammit.He couldn’t ignore Mattie. Assholes probably sent him up because they knew Chris would talk to him, if no one else.
Slowly, he crawled out of bed and made his way over to the door, unlocking it, then cracking it open just a bit. “If you don’t mind.” Mattie smiled, turned, and bounded down the stairs, returning not five minutes later with a tray of food and two glasses of tea. He set the tray on the bed and took a seat beside Chris, curling his long skinny legs up underneath him. “Want to talk about it?” He eyed Chris somewhat knowingly.
“Would it matter if I said not really?” Chris asked the cunning pixie sitting at the foot of his bed.
“Hell, no.” Mattie’s tone was serious despite the smile that spread across his face.
Chris took his time eating and filling Mattie in on what had transpired earlier that day as well as the inner struggle he was having with his feelings for Linc. “This tea is amazing.” Chris groaned appreciatively. God, how he loved Andrew’s fresh-brewed sweet tea; it reminded him of his childhood, of his mother. She would put a glass jug out on the porch half-full of water with a handful of tea bags in the bottom. Damn, but that tea was amazing.
Mattie scooted closer, hesitantly placing his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Listen to me, Chris. I know you’re still struggling with the guilt you carry over the accident. But stop and think for a minute—would Amanda want you to spend the rest of your life alone? Torturing yourself over a shadow of the past, always remembering her as your dead girlfriend? Or would she want you to live your life the best possible way you knew how? To be happy and fall in love again?”
Chris stared at him, speechless. He didn’t have an answer for any of those questions. And it wasn’t really like Mattie wanted any answers—the questions were more rhetorical than theoretic, so Chris kept quiet, just listening.
“I don’t think I need to blow smoke up your ass, Chris. I’m certain you’ve worked out the ‘what-if’s’ in your mind until the pages are torn. What if you never got behind the wheel of the truck that night? You and Amanda could be happily married. You could be a big-time football star with a wife and a litter of babies snapping at your heels.” The thought made Chris smile, a big cheesy openmouthed smile.
“What if Amanda had survived the wreck but been broken, or permanently scarred? Would she forgive you, or would she hate you? A person could think themselves right into a padded cell with the shit that’s been rolling through that thick skull of yours for the last five years.” Mattie thumped Chris in the forehead.
“Ouch, dammit, Mattie!” Chris shrieked, rubbing his eyebrows.
“I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, Chris, so here is a ‘what-if’ for you. What if the accident was supposed to happen? What if that beautiful soul was only on loan to you and her family for a little while?” Mattie reached up and wiped away the tear that rolled down Chris’s cheek with his thumb.
“What if you are meant to be here, with us, with Linc?” Mattie asked.
Chris wanted to protest Mattie’s words, but he couldn’t form an appropriate rebuttal. “I may be young, Chris, but I’m not stupid. I see things, and I see more than most because I actually pay attention. You look at Linc differently than anyone else, and your eyes linger. He feels the same way, you know?”
Chris didn’t have the energy to argue; it was much easier to just nod. “Here’s what you need to do, Chris. First, you have to forgive yourself because nothing will ever change if you continue to carry around so much pain and guilt. Even Jesus had to eventually let go of the cross.”Well, that was heavy.
“Second, you might want to consider accepting the fact that you are attracted to Linc. I’d like to say third, admit that attraction out loud, but I’m a reasonable man—I’ll let you simmer for a while before I make you admit I’m right.” Mattie grinned, shoving Chris playfully.
For the first time in a long time, Chris started to feel like he could possibly move beyond all the pain he kept locked inside. For so many years, he’d thought that if he let go of the past that he would forget. Forget how beautiful she was, so full of love and life, how her smile could light up a room. How he had failed her when he killed her. But Mattie was right; he’d only quoted the same things Michael and Max had been telling him for years, almost verbatim. It was eye-opening to hear them from someone other than his closest friends, someone on the outside looking in. And as far as his feelings for Linc were concerned, he decided to stop trying so hard to hide them, to pretend they weren’t exactly what they were: attraction, want, and need.
Chris was attracted to Linc. He wanted him. Yes, another man, and so fucking what?Love is love, right?He needed to be honest with Linc and let the pieces fall where they would. Chris was exhausted and spent, his nerves rubbed raw from his conversation with Mattie. He turned and pulled his legs up onto the bed, stretching out and bringing Mattie’s smaller body along with him. He lay there, eyes closed, smiling, rubbing Mattie’s back until he started to doze off. For now, Chris would sleep. Tomorrow, he would talk to Linc.
Chapter Eighteen
Conversation
Chris woke the next morning feeling lighter than he had in a long time. He hadn’t realized the weight of the guilt he’d carried until he opened himself up to the possibility of letting it go, of living his life moving forward instead of stuck in the past. But first, he needed to talk to Michael. Reaching for his phone, he scrolled through his contacts.
At first Michael was pissed that Chris had woken them at the ass crack of dawn. “You do realize what time it is here, right?”
“Shit,” Chris cursed, looking at his watch. “Sorry Mikey, call me later…”
“What is it, what’s wrong?” Michael interrupted him, concern evident in his voice.
“Sorry, Mikey, nothing’s wrong. Well, not really. I’m fine. I just needed to talk to you.” Chris took a deep breath and let it all out. For the next twenty minutes, he filled Michael in on everything that had happened since he met Victor, took the job, and started staying out at the house in Mamaroneck. Some of it Michael knew—but not that Chris was hiding away feelings for Linc. He barely wanted to admit it to himself until after his conversation with Mattie the night before, much less to his best friend who could see through all Chris’s bullshit, that was, if they were actually face-to-face.
The line was quiet when he finished; Chris thought Michael might have hung up. He held the phone out in front of his face, checking to see that the call hadn’t dropped in the middle of his diatribe. “Mikey, you still there?”
“Yeah, just…wow. Chris, sweetie, I really want to be mad at you for not telling me you were still in so much pain over the accident. But if you’ve finally realized that for yourself, well, that’s the first step then. And as far as you falling for another guy, I’m just happy you’re considering love again at all.” Michael sniffled.
Chris could hear Max’s faint voice in the background. “Did you just say Chris, our Chris, straight Chris, is falling for a guy?”
“Shut your face. I can’t hear. I’ll tell you later.” Michael’s voice came through muffled, probably holding his hand over the phone as he shushed his boyfriend.
