Page 26 of Gay for Pay
Several seconds of intense silence weighted down by years of insecurity and pain sucked all the air out of the car. Chris trembled, his breathing labored, and as uncertain as Linc was about what was happening, he knew he had to push his questions and confusion aside. He had to be strong for Chris. Eventually, Chris took a couple of deep breaths, slowly letting his foot off the brake. Funny how the place had looked so small from the outside, but once they drove through the gates, there were graves going back as far as the eyes could see—every manner of stone: simple blocks with names, dates of birth, and death; crosses with scriptures; seven-foot-tall angels with wings spread wide as if in flight; and a large mausoleum sitting alone on a small hill, surrounded by trees.
Chris pulled into a spot, parking and removing the keys from the ignition. He climbed out of the car hesitantly, and Linc quickly rounded the car, waiting for Chris, reaching for his hand. When their eyes met briefly, Linc saw so much pain and sadness that it very nearly wrecked him. They walked through the maze of graves until Chris stopped at one with a vase of wilting flowers sitting at the base. Words forever carved into stone were Linc’s introduction to the woman that Chris had loved, still loved, actually.Amanda Jean, beloved daughter, sister, and friend.
“Hey, Manda, I’m sorry I never came to see you, to say good-bye. I just…couldn’t. After the accident, everything fell apart; I fell apart. You wouldn’t have even recognized the person I became.” Chris kneeled, running his fingers carefully over the letters etched into the cross.
“Michael helped me. He jerked a knot in my ass and took me to New York with him.” Chris snorted, shaking his head. “He was all I had for so long, Manda, him and my memories of you, of us. God, I’m so sorry Manda, I’m so sorry.” Chris’s shoulders shook as he started crying. Goddamn, but Linc wanted to grab him, wrap his lover in his arms, and tell him it would be okay. But the pain, the deeply scarred emotions that Chris had as a result of Amanda’s death that he’d kept bottled up for the past six years, had to be broken open and dealt with. Otherwise they would fester and poison Chris for the rest of his life.
Linc lay his hand on Chris’s shoulder, wanting to touch his boyfriend and lend him his strength in any way he could. “I miss you, Manda. I miss talking to you, laughing with you. I miss everything about you. But I can’t live my life that way anymore. As much as I wish you were still here, you aren’t, and I have to put one foot in front of the other and move on with my life. Otherwise I’ll be lying right next to you in the dirt.” Linc winced when Chris spoke of his death so nonchalantly, no longer able to just stand idly by.
“Chris, babe.” Before he could say another word, Chris stood and wiped his eyes, reaching out and grasping Linc’s hands in his.
“I’ve met someone, Manda, and he is so amazing. You’d love him, I think. His name is Lincoln, and he’s so smart and loving and he puts up with my shit, and he’s…perfect.” Chris sniffled, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. God-almighty-damn, even when he was a blubbering mess, eyes red and swollen, Linc thought he’d never seen anyone look more beautiful. “I wanted my happy ever after to be with you, Manda, but fate had other plans for us. I hope you are smiling down on us, that you would be happy for me. I’ll never forget you, Amanda,” Chris whispered and Linc watched as Chris absentmindedly ran his fingers over the tattoo that wasn’t visible while clothed, the heart with her initials permanently inked into his flesh. “I’ll always love you Manda, but now I’m going to give my heart to Lincoln, and hope one day soon he and I can find the kind of love we once shared.”
“Really?” Linc grabbed Chris by the collar of his jacket, jerking his body close, their cold breaths mingling. It might be irrational, illogical, and completely insane, but Linc felt the same way. He was falling in love with this man. He kissed Chris then, just a press of lips together. Anything deeper would have to wait until they weren’t literally standing on Chris’s dead girlfriend’s grave.
Linc nodded his head enthusiastically, leaning in and kissing Chris gently, tears filling his eyes. Pulling away, Linc buried his head in Chris’s chest. He kissed the top of his head, holding Linc in his arms and running his hands along the length of his back. “I’ve been so messed up for so long, Linc, I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. And then when I thought about fighting my way to the land of the living, I didn’t know how, but you held my hand and helped me; thank you for that.”
Linc wrapped his arms around Chris, laying his head on his shoulder. Even through the material of his T-shirt, flannel shirt, and jacket, Chris’s hand rubbing him made Linc’s skin prickle. “I was so fucked up for so many years Linc, I didn’t think I’d ever recover from the accident. But then I walked into that office in Manhattan, came out to the house on the Sound, and found the family I’d been missing. I found you, Linc.”
Linc looked up at Chris, so close to kissing him again, nearly jumping out of his skin when a throat cleared behind them.
Chapter Twenty Five
Memories
Chris turned quickly, pulling Linc’s body behind him, and stared at…Amanda’s brother. “Adam,” he whispered, his throat choking on the name.
Adam gaped at him, and Chris fought the urge to look away. He hadn’t seen Adam, or anyone from his hometown for that matter, since the trial. Not only was he intimidated by the man, but Adam and Amanda had the same intense blue eyes that could be both understanding and stormy at once. It was too much; Chris caved and averted his gaze, hoping the tears stinging his eyes could remove all the pain and anger he only just realized he was still bottling up inside.
Walking briskly past him and Linc, Adam placed a bouquet of lilies in the plastic vase beside Amanda’s tombstone, kissing his fingers before gently pressing them to the cold stone. “Love you, miss you, mean it.” Adam’s words damn near broke Chris. As far back as he could remember, the twins had been a part of his world in one way or another. Amanda always confident and larger than life, a presence that would suck the air out of any room she walked into. And Adam, more book smart and shy, staying in the shadows, only ever really coming out into the light when his sister dragged him into it kicking and screaming.
Adam stood abruptly, turning to Chris with red-rimmed eyes. Linc’s grip on his arm tightened as Adam took one, then two steps closer to them, fists clenched at his sides. “I heard everything you said just now, I was sitting in my car when you and your friend pulled up, and I followed you over here. Jesus, Chris, I’ve put all my energy into hating you for so long.…I never stopped and actually thought about how Amanda would have wanted me to act after the accident. She loved you more than life itself; she was so happy and when she died because of your fucking mistake, I hated you and wanted to lay your body out right here next to hers.” Adam growled, obviously angry.
“Five years of hate can make a man do stupid things, and I’m tired of hating you, Chris. Can’t say I like you very much, but I can respect how much you and my sister loved each other, and maybe you’ve suffered enough in all this.” Adam’s words spoke of forgiveness.
Hesitantly, Chris stepped closer, placing a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “I hated myself, Adam, for so long. Hell, it took almost six years for me to get to a place where I could come here and say good-bye. I never thought I would be able to take this step. But now that we’re here, together, maybe we can try and put the past to rest?”
Adam’s eyes drifted to his sister’s grave, then over to Chris, posture still rigid until Chris engulfed him in a tight hug. Adam tried to pull away at first, but eventually he melted into the hug that reminded Chris of moments the two of them shared as friends before the accident happened and tore apart more lives than just Chris’s and Amanda’s.
Chris eventually released Adam, stepping back and reaching for Linc’s hand, pulling him forward. “Adam, I’d like you to meet Lincoln, my boyfriend.”
Adam stared at them with a bewildered look, but he took the offered hand and shook. “No shit, so you’re gay now?”
“No, I’m bi, and Linc and I are in a committed relationship.” He wrapped an arm around Linc, very proud to say it out loud, that Linc was his.
“No shit?” Adam grinned.
“No shit.” Chris chuckled. “Hey, do you want to head into town and grab lunch? I’d love to talk more, if you have the time.”
“I’d like that, actually,” Adam quickly agreed.
***
Bobbie’s Burger Joint was still the busiest place in town and still made the best bacon cheeseburger Chris ever sank his teeth into. It was a little strange that not one thing inside the restaurant had changed in the past six years. Ugly wood-paneled walls adorned with images of famous people, and rickety, uncomfortable wooden booths. Funny how the world continually evolved, but Bobbie’s would forever be stuck in the fifties. It was nice though, being there with Linc, Adam talking about some of the stupid shit they used to do when they were teenagers. He was thrilled that he was getting to share this experience with Linc.
An older couple Chris remembered from the local church approached them, hesitantly, asking Adam if everything was okay. Linc almost came out of the booth when the woman curled her lip, shying away from Chris as if he had the plague. But that was what this fucking town was, forever stuck in the past, never moving forward. Part of him wanted to lean into Linc, wrap an arm around him, and pull his body close, then kiss him slowly. That would be juvenile—no matter how satisfying it might be—so Chris refrained. Still, he couldn’t help but narrow his eyes at the couple when they looked back over their shoulders on their way out the door.
“So, Adam, do you still live here in town?” Linc defused the situation quickly.
