Page 35 of Guitars and Mistakes
I tried to spare her the details about those. I didn’t want to tell her about what they’d done to us in those houses that were supposed to be more like homes. I didn’t want her to have to know. I’d wished a million times that those things weren’t in my mind. I wasn’t going to curse her with the knowledge.
But she didn’t give me a choice. I’d start a story and fade to quiet when I got to the bad part—the abuse or the beatings or being locked in a closet for days—and she’d poke at me and ask questions until I finally gave her the information she was looking forward. And she didn’t shudder. She didn’t start crying or look away. She sat there and stared back at me, listening and taking all of my pain into herself like she was drawing poison from my wounds.
Like she was saving me one story at a time.
“But you know none of that was your fault, right?” she finally asked quietly. “You know that didn’t have anything to do with you. It wasthemfailing.”
I bit my lip at that, wondering if I had the strength to tell her the rest. I’d thought it so many times, knew it deep down in my bones, but I’d never told anyone. I didn’t know if I had the words.
Though I guessed if I was going to find the words for anyone, it would be this sweet, gentle girl who was giving me the only safe space I’d ever known.
“It was me after a while,” I said brokenly. “I started doing bad things on purpose, just so I would get sent back to the orphanage. Burning down their sheds. Destroying their houses. Leaving dead things in their beds.”
I put a hand over my mouth at the thought, hating that I’d let anyone drag me down that far, but she reached out and ran her fingers down my cheek, drawing my eyes back to her.
“Rivers, you were a kid. Those adults were hurting you. You weren’t to blame for trying to get away from them.”
The tears I’d been holding back finally came to my eyes and I leaned into her touch. “They broke my soul, Lila. And I’ve never been able to put it back together. I’ve never belonged anywhere or to anyone. I’m half a person. No one would want that. No one needs that in their life. I break everything I touch.”
She reached out and pulled me into her lap, pushing my head against her chest and shushing me. Her fingers raked through my hair and she began to massage my scalp, the movements easy and soothing, and I found myself relaxing into her like a child.
Like someone who’s finally found a safe landing place.
“You’re not broken, Rivers. You’re lost. There’s a difference.”
God, I wished she was right. I wished I could sit here in her arms for the rest of my life, letting her tell me sweet things and pretending they were right. I wished I’d known her a whole lot longer, and that I’d had someone like her in my life when I was in the midst of breaking.
I wished I deserved someone like her.
I knew I didn’t, of course.
But for tonight I was going to try to forget about that. I had a whole lifetime ahead of me to deal with the monsters in my brain. For tonight, for just a little bit longer, I was going to let Lila Potter chase them away and tell me it was all going to be all right.
LILA
The next morning came way too quickly.
Rivers and I had been out in that deserted lot for hours, talking about what he’d been through and how it had broken him, and by the time we came back to the hotel the sun had already been getting close to making its return trip into the sky. I’d dropped him at his room after making him promise that he wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything without talking to me first, and had made my way back to my room to see that it was nearly 4 in the morning.
And then remember that I had a meeting with Taylor at 8.
I’d crawled into bed with a quick glance at Anna—asleep, thank God—and had fallen asleep almost immediately.
And now I was awake and had, according to my clock, half an hour to make myself presentable before I had to go do the mental gymnastics it always took to have a conversation with Taylor James.
God, I hoped she didn’t expect too much of me today. And I hoped Anna was going to be in this meeting to do most of the talking.
* * *
“I’m dropping Rivers,”she said before I sat down.
Anna wasn’t here. And evidently this meeting was going to take just as many mental gymnastics as the last one.
“I thought you’d already decided about that,” I said, pulling my coffee cup toward me and taking a quick, hot sip.
“I wasn’t sure, honestly, but now that he’s leaving the band there’s no reason to keep him. Nothing left to save, as far as I can see.” She took a sip of her own coffee and then eyes me closely. “Why do you look like you barely slept?”
“Because I barely slept. What do you want, Taylor? I just got up half an hour ago.”
