Page 122 of Exactly What I Needed
But what had happened wasn’t really my fault either. In the end, those to blame were in the past and in a place I’d never return to.
I was deserving of love.
I was deserving of freedom.
Which meant I was deserving of him. If he still wanted me.Afterwe had the conversations we needed. After we sat with clear heads and discussed all of the shit that still swallowed much of the light around us.
Soon. That conversation would happen soon.
Hopefully.
Chapter 42
Isat on the black piano bench, staring at keys I hadn’t touched in years. Xander played with toys loudly on the rug in the middle of the living room, yet his incoherent blabbering seemed so distant despite his close proximity to me. Twisting Asher’s ring between one set of fingers, my other hand lightly brushed dust off the ivory.
The music was there. Faint, but it was there. (27) Allowing me to escape from everything today, except I wasn’t sure I wanted to break free of the worries that weighed heavy. Not just yet. If this was the beginning of a beautiful fairytale, then maybe I was okay with it because that meant a happy ending was headed my way.
Or maybe this was the middle of a nightmare, and more heartbreak was on a crash course toward me. Toward Xander. I dropped the necklace, and the ring plunked quietly against the outside of my dress as I glanced over my shoulder at the little boy. He toddled over to a truck on the worn, linen gray couch and picked it up, saying something I wasn’t really listening to.
He was a constant reminder of the man I’d lost. A man who was back. Someone who had kissed me with every ounce of passion he could muster the moment he’d been able to. Someone who had gotten upset once my secret was no longer something kept to myself, and rightfully so.
Hidden amongst the confusion was a shimmering of relief. All the skeletons in my closet were out for Asher to see. And he seemed to still have some desire to be part of my life.
And I had to admit, I missed him. What happened three years ago didn’t hold as much sway or power over me anymore. Honestly, any hesitation was for Xander’s sake. Asher and I deserved a moment to talk, without pressure from anyone else around us. No cameras, no bandmates, no friends, no students or teachers, nobody.
I grabbed my phone from beside me and unlocked it. A quick Google search took me directly to the only pictures of Asher and me that I had access to. I ignored what other potential articles were certainly floating around the internet after Asher’s appearance in my classroom because honestly, I didn’t want to know what people were saying. Not yet. No, I wanted to look at photos I’d avoided for years, but now, they seemed to be the final thread weaving our stories together. A thread I was desperate to hold onto.
It wasn’t the rather… scandalous pictures of Asher and me that I was searching for—though I couldn’t help but smirk at them. No, I simply scrolled to the one where it was of our profiles and I could stare at Asher’s face. At the way he gazed at me with such intention and love, that it was as if I was right back in that very moment.
I wanted him to look at me like that again. Just once more. Without any confusion between us.
I wanted to hear him laugh, see that smile, and have him carelessly flirt with me again. I wanted all of that back.
Slapping the phone against my chest, I stared at the wall in shock.
There was no fear lingering from what happened. No, I was actually a little upset that I hadn’t at least received some stupid, flirty text from him yet. Though I held no animosity. I had hurt him by keeping Xander a secret, and therefore, I was owed nothing, and he was owed however much time and distance he needed.
Knuckles rapped against the front door, snapping me out of thoughts that gave me a slight headache. Hope surged through my body as I quickly placed the phone on the sheet music stand portion of the piano and dashed around the edge of the couch.
Another knock, more forceful than before, met my ears as I jogged past the kitchen island to my right and wrapped my hand around the black handle. I ripped the door open.
“Let us in, girl,” Emily squealed, pushing past me with a grin. She flicked a strand of red, curly hair out of her face and placed a bottle of wine on the counter beside me.
“You’re all over the news, do you know that?” Sophie added with a giggle as she spun into my apartment. I shook my head as my two best friends, and next-door neighbors, kicked their shoes off by the door and headed over toward the couch. Swallowing the small amount of disappointment that it wasn’t Asher, I shut the door.
“Aunties!” Xander cried out in glee. He dropped his trucks and raced as fast as his chunky little legs could take him to Emily. She scooped him up the moment she reached him as Sophie plopped down on the couch and kicked her feet up onto the cushions. She brushed some lint off her black leggings and flicked her blonde hair over the armrest of the couch.
“Were you ever going to tell us?” Emily asked as she shoved Sophie’s legs down from the gray couch and sat down, keeping Xander in her arms. He babbled incoherently to her, sharing stories that none of us would ever understand.
“Tell you what?” I slowly wandered back over to the piano bench. But I knew what they were referring to.
“Your baby daddy is none other than Asher fucking Stone!” Emily grabbed Xander’s hands and did a little dance as Sophie shook her head and shot Emily a side eye.
“Watch your language with Xander around,” she admonished Emily and then looked back at me. “But seriously, why would you keep that from us?”
I inhaled deeply, and my hand instinctively rose to his ring. They’d never really asked about Xander’s dad before, and it never casually came up in conversation. Plus, they’d been amazing from the moment we met concerning how vague I was about my past. I knew why they were curious now. I mean, it was out for the world to see. But all the same, explaining to them everything that went down wasn’t exactly something I wanted to relive, even if I wasn’t afraid any longer.
“It’s complicated, and would you have actually believed me?” I replied and gave them a small smile.
