Page 2 of Love's Instant Replay
“I-I-um . . . How can I open myself up to love right now? I’m scared to try again and have the man not value the things that Ivalue. What if he doesn’t appreciate what I’m building with my business? What if?—”
“Baby, what if God knows the desires of your heart and has cleared the way for you to obtain all of it? What if you’re spending too much time with the what ifs? What if you simply need to believe and trust that He knows your ending just as much as He knew your beginning?”
Grandma’s words shut me up as my chest expands with the possibility of maybe just maybe finding a love like the one I saw growing up. I want love and the fullness of it, but I’ve been spending years crafting my business and put even the thought of it on hold.
“Maybe you’re right. Wow. I wonder?—”
“The possibilities are endless with my God. I only wish He would have shown me the fella so I could tell you more. But because He knows I can only keep some things a secret, I wasn’t privy to those details.”
Giggles escape my mouth because Grandma isn’t kidding about her inability to keep full secrets. As a kid, Mom and Dad never gave her details about birthdays or anything big for me because she always told me.
“Alright, my sweet girl. I’ll let you get back to work. Enjoy the rest of your day. I love you.”
“Love you more, Grandma.”
“Impossible.” With that, the call ended, and as I set the phone on the base, my mind starts running a hundred miles a minute.
Oh my God! After being single for all these years I really have to pray for someone new. I wonder what he’ll be like. I wonder if he’ll appreciate me for the businesswoman that I am. I do want to one day get married and I would love to have someone who believes in my dream of expanding my store. Iwant kids. Will he want kids? Will he be a man who believes in God?
“Come on, Kyelle. One phone call with your grandmother and you’re spiraling down the rabbit hole with fifty-eleven questions. You haven’t even met the man yet.” Shaking my head, I try to gather myself enough to temporarily put the conversation behind me.
Yet, there’s something nagging at me that won’t let up and that’s my desire to find something that I’ve been missing for far too many years to count . . . love. Endless, lifechanging, soul-stirring, unapologetic . . . love. The one thing I have desired for years and haven’t been able to obtain or secure. I’m a businesswoman with goals of expansion for my bookstore and dreams of reaching people beyond the Ribax city limits. But I’m also a woman who wants a man to wake up to every morning. One who will push me when my sales are down, when the foot traffic is slow, and when the urge to throw in the towel consumes me.
“Yeah, I think it’s time to remove the what ifs and see how God handles this next set up in my life.”
I have spent an undetermined amount of years dealing with men who didn’t want to be tied down or wanted to tie me up, or didn’t know which way was up to think about getting back into dating. My bookstore has been my life and my purpose, but it would be nice to know what it’s like to get to know someone worth dating. Yet, in the background of my mind, even while working to grow and advance my business has been the yearning for someone made just for me. The yearning to find a man whose love mimics the love my father has given to my mother that has been lying idle in me for forever. The adoration my grandmother often tells me my grandfather had given to her during their marriage.
But also someone who?—
“Loves me without cheating. Cherishes me without belittling me. Desires me without fetish. God, I want a man who won’t make me run for the hills or the highway to get away from him. Other than that, I’m ready for whoever he is that You have in store for me, God. I trust You.”
Nodding, I stand and walk to my semi-closed door ready to return to my work day as my thoughts continue to ebb and flow with the possibilities of going from single to taken.
“This isn’twhat I want anymore. Between your demanding career, the hos continuously smiling and drooling in your face or picture, your daughter clinging to you every waking second, taking away from our time, and just being over this whole relationship . . . I need my life back.”
“How the fuck can you talk about needing your life back when you’re somebody’s mother? You did?—”
“Look, I don’t have time to go back and forth with you. Now, I’ve already gone to the courts and surrendered my parental rights, so she’s yours. The two of you ca?—”
“Hold up. You did what? Tell me I’m staring into the silly eyes of dude who plays practical jokes on people, because I know you ain’t standing here telling me th?—”
“I don’t want to be your woman or her mother anymore. It’s time that I start living for me.”
Lava replaces the cool current of blood flowing through my body as I stare into the bored expression of the woman I’ve known most of my life. Meshay is rolling her eyes and tapping her foot covered in the three-hundred-dollar stilettos she purchased with my black card two weeks ago. The audacity of this woman is Guinness-worthy as the adoration I have for her melts like an ice cream cone in the Caribbean.
“What am I supposed to tell M?—”
“Ugh. I don’t care what you tell her. Now, I gotta go. Time is money, and you don’t have enough to keep me here any longer.” With that, Meshay sashays out the front door without looking back, taking my attention to the blacked-out luxury vehicle idling in my driveway.
“This bitch just fucking left her daughter like she didn’t go through twenty hours of labor to bring her into this world. Wow.”
“Evans! Where is your gotdamn head at today?” Coach Sumlin’s hard-edged voice snaps me out of my head, reminding me of my whereabouts.
Looking around, I take note of my teammates laughing and joking behind Coach Sumlin, who looks like he’s seconds from kicking my ass.
“My bad, C?—”
“Get your shit together or get the fuck off my field. You can’t play like this during a game, or you’ll be the weakest link on my defense, and I’ll be damned if I employ any weaklings. Hell, I bet little Mica could tackle better than you are right now,” Coach rants, pointing toward the sideline which has my gaze shifting in the direction he’s pointing.
