Page 114 of Blood & Snow
The admission crushes me.
Tears finally spill over, hot against my cheeks as the pressure of everything crashes down.
Xander's world, his violence, his inexplicable tenderness toward me.
The lies that multiply daily, each one building walls between me and the people I love most.
Irina pulls me into her arms, and I collapse against her shoulder.
"I'm trying to keep us all safe," I sob, because it's true.
If I give her the whole truth, her world becomes a bigger target.
Not telling her is the safest thing.
"From what?"
From him.
From the men who would hurt you to hurt me.
From the world I've fallen into that devours everything soft and innocent.
"From poverty. From losing each other. From ending up separated and broken."
It's not the complete truth, but it contains enough reality to satisfy her temporarily.
Irina strokes my hair, her touch gentle despite the tension between us.
"We'll figure this out," she murmurs.
"Whatever it is, we'll face it together."
But we won't.
The path I've chosen leads away from her,away from the children, into darkness they can't follow.
Every gift Xander sends, every night I spend in his arms, every scene I clean for him pulls me further from the life I used to know.
The children return from the bathroom, their excitement undimmed by adult complications.
They settle on the floor beside the tree, pointing at different packages and speculating about contents.
Irina moves to serve them dinner with skepticism still in her expression and I lock myself into the bathroom to cry, and then to throw up.
It's all too much for me, and I am breaking down.
I have to put my foot down with Xander but in the same breath I have to thank him for being so generous.
I'm not sure which to do first.
I hate being so torn, so emotional, but there is no easier way out than through.
If I have to keep working with him, then I have to set boundaries.
He can't put me in this position again.
I just won't be able to take it.
