Page 41 of Catch
“At a party. Archie dragged me along.”
“Did Renner approach you or?—”
I have no idea why Ethan’s so keen on the details of my prior relationship, but I don’t have anything to hide either.
“I approached him. Which isn’t usual for me. But heseemed interested. In fact, he made it clear by the end of that night how much he wanted me.”
God, I was a fool. What he wanted was attention, and it turned out, mine wasn’t good enough.
“Never again,” I continue. “I prefer to be chased rather than doing the chasing.”
Fuck, did I really say that out loud?
“And why’s that?”
“Even though I’ve known I was gay since I was thirteen, I grew up in a small town where there was no queer rep. Or if there was, I sure as fuck didn’t know about it. So I got used to keeping my attraction to guys on the down low. It’s not the way I wanted to live my life, but?—”
“Sometimes you do what you have to in order to stay safe,” Ethan adds.
I nod.
“Exactly.”
“Dane and Jackson have dealt with that. I mean, when they went back home to Arkansas this summer, not everyone gave them a warm welcome. Quite the opposite.”
“That’s part of the reason why I wanted to come to school here in Vermont. It’s accepting.”
“Do you plan to go back home? Or do you want to stay out east?”
I mull that over before I reply. I’ve been struggling with that very idea for ages. The ranch is home and where my heart is. More than that. A part of my soul’s tethered to it. But as for living an authentic life, I can’t go back in the closet.
“Ranch life is what I love most,” I confess. “But small towns aren’t always the easiest places to live, especially if you’re queer. My grandparents know I’m gay, and all our ranch hands, but I haven’t come out to the rest of the community. I don’t know how folks out there would react. There’s a lot of unknowns, but at some point I’m gonna have to make a decision. Sooner rather than later. Hopefully, sooner. I thinkit’s time. When I went back home this summer, I noticed that things were different.”
“How?”
“For starters, a young gay couple opened a spiritual wellness center and it’s attracting a lot of tourists. There’s even talk of organizing a pride event in Aura, which is a first.”
“Sounds promising,” Ethan replies. “Small towns are a lot like the hockey world, they can be slow to change. There’s still a lot of toxic bullshit in our sport too.”
“But there’s queer rep on the Cougars.”
“There is. But not much at the pro level.”
A rare stillness crosses Ethan’s face. I can see the worry in his gaze without him having to say a word.
“You’re anxious for your friends’ futures?” I ask.
He nods.
“Of course. I don’t want to see any of them get hurt.”
Man, I don’t want to like Ethan, and yet his protectiveness stirs something in me.
“As long as they have allies like you, they’ll be okay.”
Ethan pauses, stopping short, and I stop to glance at him.
“I’m not… I mean—” He pauses. “I think I might be more than an ally.”
