Page 61 of Spark
"Do they really need to be the same?" Cam’s words break me from my memories.
My sigh is loud enough to startle the birds from my neighbor’s feeder. The mattress was incredibly generous. So were the flowers. So were all the treats and specialty chocolates and rare vintages Finlay brought home during my time at his place and brought with him when we had dinners here. "If I can’t return the things he’s given me in kind, won’t he grow resentful? I’ve been in relationships where I was the only one giving, giving, giving. And it sucked."
“He hasn’t said a single word to me about feeling resentful.” Cam’s voice is low and tinged with remorse, like this break-up is just as hard on him. "Not one word."
"We’ve only been together three months, Cam." I kick the block of wood, sending it hopping toward the fence. "Resentment over those things takes time to grow. But it’s more than that. What Finlay said about being able to pay off the rest of my loan, as though the act would be no more of a hardship for him than paying for a coffee, is what really brought home the differences between us."
He hasso muchmoney. So much more than me, so much more than I will likely ever have. Him being able to pay off a high-five-figure loan like it is nothing shows that difference quite clearly. Why I didn’t think that would matter is beyond me now. Why it took an injury and my being laid up for six weeks is beyond me too. I should have known.
Cam shoves his hands in his pockets. "I wanted to help you with that too, Teo. We all did. But you’re so stubborn—"
"What Iam, is capable. Even if it takes me forever, I can manage. We should be saving the help for people who truly need it. Like the homeless, for example. Or people who lost everything in a fire. Or people who have cancer and are facing insurmountable medical bills on top of battling a deadly disease."
"Teo…"
I hold up a hand, cutting him off. "And even though you wanted to help, which I do appreciate, you didn’t, and you wouldn’t have overstepped like he did. Six thousand dollars is a hell of a lot of money to me, Cam. And again, it was donebehind my back, like I’m some clueless child. I can’t get past that. That’s not how you treat a partner or someone you lo—" Anguish overwhelms me and, rubbing my hands over my face, I turn away from him. I fell fast for Finlay, fell hard. Fell in love. I’d move mountains for him, but I don’t see how we can breach the things that divide us.
A warm hand splays across the center of my back. The shadow cast across the strip of concrete has flowing hair. I lean into Hercules’s silent support.
"I get being upset with him for paying those bills without your knowledge. It was an invasion of privacy." Cam steps in front of me and plants his feet, facing me head on. "But you two seemed so good together. Don’t you think you could work things out?"
"It’s like you haven’t heard anything else I’ve said. Finlay and I… We’re like comparing Dom Perignon to seltzer water." Glancing at the dots of yellow weeds poking out of the grass gives me another comparison. "Or a rose to a dandelion. Or swimming with a dolphin to watching a goldfish circle a bowl."
Cam bends at the knees so I have to look him in the eye. His lopsided half-grin is so much like Finlay’s. "Some people prefer seltzer water. And dandelions. And goldfish."
"Cam…" Shaking my head, I sink further into Hercules, glad for his support because I’d be on the ground in the fetal position right now, without it. "I can’t. I just can’t… He and I… we’re… Even if I could, what he..." My throat thickens and speech becomes impossible. The earlier anger I felt at Finlay is now directed solely at myself. I really should have known better. And I really wish things were different.
Cam squeezes my shoulder and Hercules pats me on the back. After a long moment, and I’m no closer to winning the battle of control over my emotions, Hercules’s quiet words break the silence. "We’ll go in now, give you a minute out here."
Nodding, I keep my gaze on the dandelions swaying in the breeze. My friends’ comforting touches fall away, followed by the soft close of the door. My heart is twisting, tearing, shredding to pieces.
I love him, but Finlay and I are worlds away, miles apart. He deserves someone who can reciprocate and give him the finer things, the luxuries and indulgences he enjoys. And he deserves to be with someone he won’t feel he has to rescue. That person isn’t me. And I deserve someone who will treat me as a partner, someone who will bring me on board for decisions to be made together, not behind my back or over my head. And that person isn’t Finlay. Wherever Finlay is at this moment, I’m sure he realizes those things too.
Looking up at the sky, I inhale a deep breath then slowly let it go.
Let him go.
The aching emptiness in my chest increases, stealing my breath, and I sink to my knees, pressing one hand to my chest like that will somehow stop the pain. The concrete is unforgiving and hot, but I stay there because that sensation is the only thing grounding me. Grasping the railing like it’s a lifeline, I am as overwhelmed, shaky, and alone as the day I signed the loan papers and had a mountainous weight looming over me. Back then, I had my friends to rely on. But now, I might not even have that.
Chapter Seventeen
Finlay
“So,we’llbereadyto run with the biodegradable condoms in the first quarter of next year, but the spray-on will be at least another two years, maybe longer." Aileene turns her attention from the PowerPoint to the rest of her team. "Is there anything I missed?"
One of our more forward-looking scientists, Easton, who also plays in Cam’s rugby club, starts in with the science of the spray-on condoms. Under the table, I beat my thigh with my thumb. My nerves are blades of barbed wire slicing open flesh and leaving gaping wounds. Mateo returned to work two days ago, and I have no idea how he’s doing. Is his knee holding up? How is his neck? And what about Charlie? From everything Mateo shared, Charlie is a menace and, quite frankly, a danger. Is he putting Mateo at risk?
“Any questions, Finlay?” Eyes slightly narrowed, Aileene pins me with a look that says I better get my shit together and act like the CEO I am. There is no room for the heartbroken-middle-aged-guy-who's-going-to-be-alone-for-the-rest-of-his-life.
Straightening, I close the cover of my tablet. “Not now.” Then making eye contact with each of the four people around the table, I say, “Thank you for your dedication and tireless work. Davidson’s would not be growing and designing innovative products were it not for you and your teams.”
While the pride beaming from each of their faces brightens the room, it is not enough to wrest me from my sinkhole of despair. As the group picks up their belongings, Aileene points to me. “Do you have a minute to stick around?”
“Sure.” I nod and stay seated, knowing full well what my younger sister is up to. Neither one of us has said a word about my breakup with Mateo, but I know Cam has filled her in.
I’ve steered clear of my baby brother since he and Herc showed up on Sunday to collect Mateo’s things. After I told him what happened, Cam didn’t say much, but his disappointment thrashed me with every unsaid word. I’ll feel like shit if I cause any friction between Cam and Mateo.
At the click of the door securely shutting, I lift my head. Somehow, Aileene looks both pissed and concerned. The tip of her chin paired with arms over her chest are softened by her pitying regard as she takes inventory of me. “Let’s start with, you look like hell.”
