Page 48 of Caged
“Okay! I know that now, and I’m sorry.”
“You permanently damaged my...”
Kieren cuts me off with a silencing finger over my mouth. “Not here,” he growls. “Upstairs.”
His hand finds mine, and he all but drags me away from the mixer. I follow him through the halls, fixated on the pull of his Henley across his broad shoulder blades, and realize this is the moment I start to lose myself. This is the moment where my brain can’t sort through feelings of wanting to be his, hoping this time will be different, and wishing I wasn’t so goddamn weak.
Because, I’m not weak. I have survived so much worse in my almost twenty-one years of life, from my father abandoning me when I was three, from my mother being the most selfish piece of shit on the planet, from moving in with my grandmother at the age of twelve when my mother went to prison, so what is it about Kieren that makes me abandon my fire? What voodoo hold does he have over me?
Kieren unlocks his bedroom door as I wrestle with my thoughts. A small voice in my head tells me it’s not too late, but when the door swings open and Kieren’s hand rejoins mine, I follow him inside like a wraith.
It takes several moments for my eyes to adjust to the shadowy room. Ambient light from the glow of Kieren’s computer screen casts a somber hue across the space. Memories of the Full Moon Ceremony flicker in my mind as Kieren sits on the edge of his bed and pulls me onto his lap. I straddle him, just like I had done when he sat masked and pompous on that hideous throne, and the sinking feeling of crestfallen rejection settles into the pit of my stomach.
I can’t make eye contact. I can’t pretend what happened last month didn’t emotionally gut me.
“Are you not even going to look at me? Monroe, I thought you understood that you had to get a brand to be initiated. I thought you understood how important this tradition is to me. You said you wanted to be a part of it, and you promised you wouldn’t leave me again.”
“I told you I loved you,” I blurt out. Tears well in the corners of my eyes. “I don’t care about the stupid brand. I mean, it’s fucked up, but that’s not what hurts. I told you I loved you, and all you said was ‘I know.’ Do you have any idea how awful that made me feel? How stupid? And after I went along with your dumb fucking Ceremony and fucked you in front of like sixtypeople, you couldn’t find it inside that black heart of yours to say it back?”
My vision blurs with unshed tears, and as much as I don’t want Kieren to know the extent of my hurt, I surrender my pride and blink them free.
His fingers are gentle as he wraps them around my neck, caressing my jawline with the pad of his thumb. He leans his forehead against mine until our noses touch.
“You are everything to me, Monroe, but you need to give me time.”
I suck my bottom lip between my teeth to stop it from trembling.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he continues. “I want to believe this is real, I want to open my heart to you, but every time I reveal a piece of myself I’ve kept hidden, you run. And I can’t give you all of me until I know for certain that you can accept my flaws. I’m not convinced you have what it takes to love someone like me, and I’m sorry if saying that upsets you. You love what I can give you, but I don’t know if you truly love who I am. But I’m trying to be vulnerable, Monroe. I’ve told you, I’m trying.”
Guilt punches me in the gut. Blood drains from my limbs. An unexplainable heaviness sinks into my heart, and I want to crawl into a hole and die.
“I don’t love what you can give me,” I whisper in argument.
“You don’t love having me at your every beck and call? You don’t love how I’ll do anything to please you? You don’t love being chained and whipped and fucked until your eyes roll to the back of your head? You don’t love being able to use me when you need to get off, only to jet the next morning and ignore me for weeks? Because you know I’ll come crawling back, like I always do. You don’t love how I’ll reduce myself to a beggar because I’m so out-of-my-mind pussy-whipped for you?”
I fist my shirt above my heart, tugging it toward my neck, disgusted and ashamed to hear that’s what Kieren thinks of me.
“That’s not how it is, Kieren, and you know that,” I manage as I hold back an onslaught of tears.
“Monroe, I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone before. I need you. I can’t breathe if you aren’t here. I would do anything for you, because despite what you tell yourself, I do care about you, and as much as it terrifies me, I do feel love for you. Sometimes, it’s so overpowering, I can’t think straight, which is exactly what happened at the last Ceremony. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t expect you to have those feelings for me again, not this soon at least. I thought we both needed more time, so when you told me you loved me, it caught me off guard. Also, forgive me, but you were very high and I figured it was the drugs talking. I didn’t want to say it back, only to find out that was the case. It would break me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
I’ve been unabashed with my needs, and the thought of how despicably I’ve acted crawls across my skin like spiders.
Kieren heaves a bemoaned sigh. “I got you something for your birthday. It’s a bit early, but I thought maybe you might like to wear them at the next Full Moon Ceremony.”
He makes a motion to stand, and I slide off his lap.
The top wooden desk drawer slides noisily open, and Kieren retrieves a small box from inside. Kneeling before me, he hands me the delicately wrapped present adorned with white silk ribbon tied into a perfect bow.
“You didn’t need to get me anything,” I swallow.
“I wanted to. Open it.”
Carefully, I untie the ribbon and peel apart the taped edges. My eyes go wide at the teal blue box.
“Kieren, I don’t know what this is, but whatever it is, I can’t accept it.”
