Page 38 of To Bring You Back
“Sin is ugly, Adeline, but the truth coming out is not the worst thing that could happen to me. Thetruthis that God is better than all our sin. Even if it doesn’t make us look good, owning up to our mistakes showcases how great the grace of God is. We can’t be afraid of facing that, and honestly, owning up to the past is a big part of the reason I’m in Lakeshore.”
She sat perfectly still and silent.
He picked up a rock and let the smooth weight of it press against the hollow of his palm. “There are things I’ve considered too private to talk about in my music, and that was okay for the first few albums, but each one’s gotten harder. Art depends on openness—on truth—and after John told me about seeing you …” He hesitated, but he couldn’t argue the case for truth if he couldn’t own up to his own feelings. “You saw John at Christmas. He came back and told me you were having a hard time. After that, you were all I could think about, the subject of all my new songs—and plenty of old ones too. But I can’t use any of them because I left our relationship in shambles and using them would only do more damage between us. In shelving those songs, I’ve buried all kinds of truth, and I can’t get past it. Other music won’t come. I can’t focus. I think the lack of inspiration was God’s way of telling me to make things right.”
“So that’s why you came. For permission to use me in your songs.” Her gaze was trained on him, a dark combination of lashes and brown eyes that blurred together in shadow.
He chucked the stone into the murky water. The air was so clean here compared to in LA. If only changing his location had cleared the smog from this relationship too. “This is our fourth conversation and the first time I’ve mentioned the songs. If I wanted, I could publish them without your blessing.”
“So why don’t you?”
“Because you’ve always been more important than music.”
She crossed her arms, and her face dipped toward the ground, like maybe she’d heard him. Believed him.
He continued, “We’re completely forgiven and free. You and I don’t have to let a nine-year-old mistake define us anymore.”
“I wish it were that simple.” Sadness dragged her tone low.
“What if it is? What if you and I—?”
She shot up from the log and spun toward the path as if she planned to leave, with or without him.
“Adeline, wait.”
She halted, back to him.
He longed to read the nuances of her expression. “Did you listen to the song?”
“I did.” Her voice scratched.
“And?”
“You feel bad. I get it.” A nasal undertone meant her nose was running. Which meant she was crying.
And he’d thought he wanted to hold her badly before. “You don’t get it. The point of the song is that God forgives. Restores us when we come to Him, no matter our sin.”
She faced him, but darkness shrouded her features. He could see little but that she had her arms crossed. “If you think somewhere in that definition of mercy you claim to live by, there’s a line about you and me, maybe all you’re doing is abusing grace, living by a fairytale you made up. Grace doesn’t mean a grand do-over.”
A grand do-over? As if Fitz and the pain of his severed relationship with Adeline were nothing?
She used to know him so well, and now she misunderstood him completely.
“I don’t know what God has planned, but I do know He’s the only hope for a grace abuser like me. And if you’re honest, you’d admit He’s the only hope you have too.”
“Of course I need grace, but I’m not going to trample it, running around without remorse and repentance. Without changing. If we go back to what we were—”
“I’m not suggesting we fall back into sin, Adeline.” He managed to keep his voice even, though hers continued to escalate.
“I’m not risking it. The book of James says we’re supposed to show our faith by our works. You know what your works leave people with? Questions about who you are and what you stand for. My pastor isn’t sure if you’re a real Christian or not.”
Anger flared. “Based on what? Tabloids?”
“You’re not perfect. You admitted as much.”
“And you are?” He clenched his teeth, summoning all his self-control to calm his tone again.
“No, but I’m not dating as if I’m completely unaffected by the past.”
