Page 79 of To Believe In You
He lifted his line of sight, as if startled. As if neither option had occurred to him. “I meant between us. I don’t know how this affects us.”
“Oh.” She shook her head, looked away. She’d asked God to show Matt’s true colors, and his next move with Nadia and her child would be a window into his character.
He lowered himself into an armchair perpendicular to the lamp, the light washing his left side as his right lingered in shadow. “I’ve been looking online, even tried reaching out to some people we knew back then, but nothing’s panned out. I’ll keep searching. I’ll hire someone to find them if I have to.”
She blinked. Nodded. Of course he would. She’d known he would.
“Or Nadia, anyway. I don’t even know if she had the baby.”
The possibility hadn’t occurred to her, but now another potential situation came to mind. “I suppose you also don’t know if the baby is yours.”
He didn’t waver with surprise or offense, as though he’d already considered the same. “There are a lot of unknowns.”
“Will you try for partial custody? If the child is yours?”
He flinched and his mouth opened, but he said nothing.
“Fathers have rights. She shouldn’t have taken off without telling you.”
His index finger traced the lit match on his hand. “I was a different person back then.”
“You don’t think you deserved to know?”
“If I had known …” He tilted his head and sucked a breath through his teeth. “Part of me wonders if it might’ve scared me straight. But if I would’ve hit rock bottom either way, I’m glad they were spared that journey.” He turned pensive. “I hope they were spared that.”
She followed the thought. “Nadia might not be a good mother.”
His tight frown confirmed the worry as a possibility.
“What then?”
He inhaled sharply, rose, and paced away. “This is the never-ending conversation I’ve been having with myself since yesterday.” At the fireplace, he turned and ran both hands forward over his hair. “But I can’t cross any of these bridges until I come to them.”
“It’s good to have a plan. Being a dad is a big responsibility.”
“I know.” He balled his fists and crossed his arms.
“You’re offended.” She had meant to apologize, but she was only trying to be helpful.
“I’m worried enough. I know you like your neat and tidy plans and rules to follow, but you were never going to get those with me.”
“I thought we were making plans together.”
“I’m not writing up a book of all the contingencies. My plan is to find Nadia and talk to her.”
“But what will you say? She might not want you in the child’s life, so you need to go into it knowing what kind of involvement you’re asking for. And what about child support? A lawyer could help navigate it all.”
He sank into a seat and gripped his head with his hands.
“I know it’s a lot to consider, but I also know what it’s like to grow up with parents who could take or leave me, and how you go into this might make all the difference to your child.”
He lowered his hands and glared at the dark fireplace. “Whatever kind of parent yours were, I’m worse. Didn’t even know my kid existed. If you can’t forgive your parents, how are you going to forgive me? And how will my son or daughter manage it?”
“You’re different than my parents. You didn’t even know. That’s not your fault.”
Tendons in his jaw shifted.
“There’s nothing for me to forgive here. I knew you had previous relationships, and I know you’ve changed since then. But if you need to hear it, yes, Matt, I forgive you.”
