Page 15 of Shape Of My Heart
Chapter5
Josh strayedinto one of those dreamsagain.
It always happened in the space between asleep and awake where his mind would take over and drift to happier thoughts. That was where he saw them. This was where his mother and Clarissa existed for him. Here they were alive and they stilllovedhim.
Josh had them in his life again and he never wanted towakeup…
“She’s amazing, isn’t she?”his mother said, leaning into his shoulder as they sat side by side in the grand theatre. His father sat next to his mother and looked at Clarissa with the deepestpride.
Josh nodded, not wanting to take his eyes off Clarissa’s performance. Not even for one second. Amazing was too meager a word to describe her as he watched her glide across the stage as Odette, the Swan Princess. She was the star of the show, the prima ballerina, and a star she was indeed. Josh was used to his sister giving her best, but when she did performances like this it was more than her best that came out. She danced with soul and talent comparable to anangel.
He didn’t even lie like he used to anymore when he had to explain to his friends that he was going to the ballet. He was so proud of her that he just told them straight that that was where hewouldbe.
He watched her, getting absorbed in the music, the mood, the atmosphere. Like always, when the performance ended his skin tingled. His parents were crying and stood up to cheer with everyone else. The cheers and applause were deafening, euphoric and joyous. Josh stood too. Clarissa and the cast truly deserved the grand-standing ovation. He’d never experienced the blissful exhilaration he felt anywherebesideshere.
He had flowers for her. She loved oriental lilies, pink oriental lilies. They were herfavorites.
He looked at his mother as she reached out to cup his face with one hand. Her smile proud and brimming with love. While Josh had his father’s strong Italian features, Clarissa looked exactly like their mother. Same jet black hair that hung in soft waves, same mole on the left cheek. Same hazel-coloredeyes.
Josh leaned forward to hug his mother, anticipating the warmth he’d feel when he touched her, but in that second everything changed. It was like his body shifted out of time and instead of being at the theatre he was at the gravesite, in the cemetery inCalifornia.
Herecognizedthis.
This part wasn’t a dream. It was a memory. This was the memory of his mother and sister’sfuneral.
His father was on his knees crying, completely inconsolable while Josh’s uncle tried to comfort him. Josh stood over by his sister’s coffin, staring at her cold dead body. The oriental lilies in his hand hung by his side as he tried to work out what had happened and if this was real. She still looked sobeautiful.
In this part of this whatever it was that was a dream, his mind ran wild and made him visualize the accident. The head-on collision that claimed theirlives.
Thenscreaming…
Josh jumped up.Cold sweat ran down his face and neck. His back was wet with itaswell.
His heart was pounding so much he had to put his hand at his chest and take several deep breaths until he calmed. He looked around his room and felt relieved that Allegra and Cindy weren’t there. He wanted to be alone, to put a rein on his damaged mind and painfulmemories.
His dreams were getting worse and taking on an eerie edge that pulled him into dark memories that weakened him. Perhaps it was the effects of having too muchalcohol.
This wasn’t getting any easier, and he was growing weary of waking up and feeling like this. This guilty self-reproach that reminded him that it was his fault why his mother and sisterweredead.
Last year this time they were alive. They were both alive and living their lives. He’d gotten all worked up because Pete, his sister’s longtime boyfriend, had proposed to her. Clarissa was going to accept because she was in love. Josh acted all high and mighty with poor Pete, calling in his big brother cards, giving the poor guy a full-on interview before he would give his blessing. His mother and father told him off, chastising him for being such a jerk. His mother said he should take a leaf from Clarissa‘s book and tame his wild ways. It was a running family argument forweeks.
His mother was a charity worker who was always doing some service project at every chance she got. She came from a poor family and had a difficult upbringing so that was her way of helping people. She always told Josh her stories and called her meeting his father her happily ever after. He used to laugh at her because people didn’t speak like that in real life, and he thought his mother lived in a world of her own. She and Clarissabothdid.
The week before the first game they went to help out at a soup kitchen event in Missouri. To catch the game they were supposed to leave the night before but the storms made it dangerous to travel. Josh with his arrogance, selfishness, and ignorance didn’t think that anything could happen to them. After all, why would God let something happen to two of his angels? Especially if they were doing charity work. So when he spoke to his mother he practically demanded that they come tothegame.
“We’re opening up the season, Mom, it’s not exactly little league. Just drive carefully.” That was what he said. That was what he had saidtoher.
He didn’t stop and think that this was a woman who’d gone to every single game he’d ever played. Right from his first when he was five and could hardly throw a ball, to the Super Bowl that closed off the last season. She’d been there, and if she thought there was a chance she’d miss one he should have understood. It should have been no problemwhatsoever.
But no, Josh wouldn’t hear of it. He was the Mancini Machine and it was a must to have his whole family there. The press would be there taking pictures and he wanted them all there so he wouldlookgood.
When he didn’t see them at half time he had the audacity to be angry. He remembered thinking this was the game of his life and they were missing it. How dare theymissit?
And as Josh tackled the defense for the Bears and shot the ball to Gage, he knew they’d win hands down. Nobody was fasterthanGage.
As the crowd cheered when Gage scored the winning touchdown, Josh looked to where his father had been sitting and saw the empty seats. It was only then that he realized something must have been wrong.Onlythen.
He couldn’t even cheer with his team. Josh walked off the field to find his father sobbing with devastation and his face grief stricken. The poor man couldn’t even talk. It was Zelda that had to break the news of what happened to Josh. He could still hear her voice now. The sadness in the tone and the tears that filled her eyes. He could still hear his heart break and shatter. The news ripped away his soul and everything strong that was in him. It ripped his world from under his feet and he hadn’t been able to functionsince.
