Page 37 of Shape Of My Heart
She’d hoped that it wouldn’t come to this, and that maybe he could have snapped out of the drinking, but it hadn’t happened. If they were going to get through this time together, and work together, he needed to stop drinking so much. It would ruin him, itwasruining him and he would loseeverything.
She thought that maybe she would keep tabs on him this week and try to help him withthat,too.
* * *
Josh couldn’t getthe image of Amy out ofhishead.
“…if you were mine I wouldn’t share you with anybody. And…we wouldmakelove.”
How the hell was he supposed toforgetthat?
Make love? Did that even exist? Love. What a myth. It didn’t stop him from wanting her, though, or the desire that coursedthroughouthim.
He finished the bottle of vodka five minutes after she left and drank the rest of the rum. His mind left him after that and he woke up with Allegra pressed up against him, wrapped within the tangle of the cream satin bed sheets. His head was rested between her naked breasts, his arms around herwaist.
It was just her, him and her, and he couldn’t remember when she’d gottenthere.
It was dark outside, so it could have been very early in themorning.
She stirred when he moved and rolled onto her side but didn’twakeup.
He moved away from her and sat up as the thoughts swirled around in his mind. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but knew that all of this had to stop at some point. It had to stop, but he didn’t have the strength to do it byhimself.
Every time he thought he could face the situation something happened and he lost any ounce of strength he might havegathered.
As he looked at Allegra’s perfect body he knew that he didn’t want her. He actually didn’t want any of this but it had become a way of life. Ahabit.
And Amy, all she did was drive him crazy. Earlier, she’d driven him mad with her words andherbody.
He hadn’t lied when he said hewantedher.
Now look at him, he was plastered and in bed with anotherwoman.
“Come back to bed, baby,” Allegra said, turning back to face him. “Save your strength for later.” She sat up, too, and he watched the heft of her weighty breasts bounce as she leaned onto him. Usually her touch was like a drug that lured him back to comfort, but somehow she made him feel more wretched. Wretched that he was so far gone he had no control over his emotions, wants, or desires. Wretched that he couldn’t even remember how she ended up herewithhim.
“I’m gonna get some fresh air,” he told her andslidaway.
“Hurry back.” She smiled at him, turning back onherside.
He wouldn’t come back. Josh pulled on a t-shirt and went outside to the back of the house where he could sit on the ledge and watch the steady waves of the sea pull in and out of the beach. It was five a.m. Even at this hour it still had that soothing beauty that refreshedhismind.
Clarissa’s birthday wastomorrow.
Maybe he should go and meet with his father and Pete. Maybe it was time to go and see thegraves.
The thought gripped at his heart and he didn’t know if he could do it. His mother and sister were buried right next to each other. Seeing them, seeing the graves, would make it all too real and remind him that they really weren’t hereanymore.
Josh watched the darkness fade away as the sun rose and basked in the glory as it kissed the sky and filled out the scene before him. He stayed outside for hours, just watching, and hoped Allegra would be gone by the time he got backinside.
He waited another ten minutes then made his way in. As he passed the sitting room he got the surprise of his life when he saw Amy sitting cross-legged on the floor eating cereal and watching Saturday morningkids’TV.
He walked into the room believing he’d gone mad and was definitely hallucinating. This had to have been the effects from thedrinks.
She didn’t acknowledge him at first, she just continued to watchCow and Chickenon the CartoonNetwork.
He looked her over and grimaced. She had her hair up with two plaited buns on top of her head that made her look extremely young, like under sixteen, and the look was enhanced with the bright pink t-shirt she wore with Princess written on the front in pink glitter. The denim shorts, however, he liked. He liked looking atherlegs.
Josh was actually happy toseeher.
