Page 5 of Shape Of My Heart
Chapter2
Unbelievable.Zelda was really working overtime to get him back. As if a pretty blonde could win him over. Josh had other things in mind for the blonde that didn’t involve anyPAshit.
Zelda could kiss his ass for all he cared. And that was just the thing, he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything and he wasn’t going to spend his time worrying overfootball.
He just wantedmorebeer.
“Cindy, baby, get me another drink.” He pushed Cindy off his lap and smacked her ass, loving the feel of her smooth bronze skin on his hands. He pulled Allegra into his lap and buried his face into her voluptuous breasts as the music changed to something more upbeat. They’d been at Ty’s beach party now for a few hours and Josh was enjoying every minute of it. He was living like when he was back in college, when he didn’t care about anything because he was young and free and the world belongedtohim.
He loved the beach, loved everything about it. Loved the sand, the sea, and that salty smell that camewithit.
What kept him going was beautiful women and booze. That combination kept him from thinking; it always had and never failed. As soon as the effects started wearing off he’d just top up on both. Both were always at his fingertips and he would happily get by like this untilhedied.
Death.
It didn’t seem so bad if you weren’t on the other side of it. If you weren’t suffering from the loss that came with it then it would be okay. You’d just be no more. Nothing left of you, just memories held by those wholovedyou.
He still had a father, who for some reason cared for him. He’d remember Josh when he died. No one else would though. Not even this beautiful woman in his lap who’d been with him for years. He knew she was only there because of who he was, and because he was rich. If something happened to him she would just move on to the next rich athlete. Cindywouldtoo.
It was fine, they meant nothing to him. He just loved their bodies and they knew what he liked. They were no better than a favorite drink that could never disappoint because it was always the sameflavor.
That was all they were to him. If he had the courage he would have taken his life the same day he found out his mother and sister had been killed. There were several reasons to want to enditall.
Guilt and shame were in the lead. If they hadn’t been trying to get to his game then they’d still be alive. If he wasn’t the arrogant bastard that he was he wouldn’t have insisted that they travel after such a terrible storm. He would have understood that safety came first when you cared about the ones you loved. Nothing could fully describe the guilt and shame he felt, and it only intensified when he thought of his father. For that reason, he stayed away from his father. He didn’t bother. Why should he? Josh was the reason that the best two people on this Earth no longer lived. He’d been the cause for taking away the love of his father’s life and their preciousdaughter.
So, the next reason for wanting to exit this world was simply that he couldn’t stand it anymore, he couldn’t stand the guilt and shame that only got worse with eachpassingday.
Josh only hadn’t done it because for some reason, some crazy reason, he thought it would disappoint his mother. It was ironic and laughable because the way he lived now would be a sure disappointment to her, but if he took his life that would be the end. No more chances. No moreanything.
He dug his toes into the softness of the sand, still damp from the retreating tide. Gazing out to the horizon in the distance he found himself momentarily lost in the vibrant hues the sun cast against the sky and the striking blue waters. It reminded him of Italy and spending summers there as a child with his grandparents. He supposed they’d rememberhimtoo.
Josh was thinking too much again, which meant he was beginning tosoberup.
“Josh, not in front of people,” Allegra giggled as he kissed the swells of her breasts and tried to pull the straps of her bikinitopdown.
“Let’s go make use of one of Ty’s rooms.” Ty was one of the team’s widereceivers.
Josh looked across to his teammates who were playing a mean game of volleyball. A round of laughter erupted as Taj trippedTyup.
“Don’t you want to wait for Cindy?” Allegra’s large brown eyes sparkled in thebrightsun.
“No, let’s go. She can join us later.” He ran his hands up her thighs and hooked his finger in the edge of her bikinithong.
“That’s fine by me.” She hopped off his leg and took his hand to pullhimup.
Corey approached them as he stood. “Hey man, you aren’t going yet are you?” heasked.
Josh smiled and tried to balance himself. “Notyet,bro.”
“You joining us next week for the team meeting?” Corey asked, lookinghopeful.
The guys met up every week for one thing or another. Aside from being good teammates, they were all friends. Josh used to join them before his life went to hell. Now he’d go to parties where the setting was like this, with a lot of people. That way he could blend in and come and go. He could avoid questions and their looks of concern andworry.
He’d never been able to avoid Corey, however, in any setting. Josh had known Corey for a long time; they went to high school together, played football there and in college. He guessed he could say that they played for the same team now, too, even though technically Josh didn’t really play anymore. He hadn’t since that terrible day when his mother and sister were takenfromhim.
“Nah man. I’mjusthere.”
“Why don’t you come for a littlewhile?”
