Page 59 of Shape Of My Heart
“How are you doing?” his fatherasked.
“Better.” Josh had made a full turnaround of his life. When he looked back to the mess of a person he was weeks ago, it made him feel good that he’d accomplished so much. He was training with the team and doing incredibly well with them, he’d given up alcohol completely and had done a full course of treatment with a therapist who’d worked wonders with him, and he didn’t have that doomed outlook he used to have of life. He was by no means a hundred percent, quite far from it, but he hoped to get there one day. Seeing his father was the last challenge. He’d geared himself up for the last few days to call him and planned to do it tomorrow, but this was good, even though Josh was still uneasyashell.
“I’m happy to hear that.” His fathernodded.
“How are you doing?” The last time Josh was this close to him he’d watched him sob by the gravesite, inconsolable. It was one of the most heart-wrenching moments ofhislife.
“Better too. Clarissa’s birthday was hard.” He nodded. “Everything’s been hard, but what’s been harder is not seeing you. I really, really missmyson.”
Sometimes he wondered how his father could offer him such pure, unrequited love that was neverending and unconditional. Especially since Josh had treated him so badly. His father had called him every day, and Josh had cowered away, hiding under hisgrief.
“I miss you, too, Dad.” Josh focused on him, focusing on the wealth of love he saw displayed in his father’s eyes and felt a sense of calm fill him. “I’m sorry for not coming toseeyou.”
“Son, I understand why you took everything so hard. I do, but you have to stop shutting me out. I’ve tried to do what works for you. I’ve stayed away, I’ve tried to visit, I’ve called you, and now I’m here.” He soundeddesperate.
Josh pulled in a breath. “I know.” He wanted to make sure he explained his feelings to him in the best way. “I didn’t want to shut you out.” He brought his hand up to his chin. “I felt guilty for everything. It felt like I killed Mom and Clarissa. I felt guilty for taking away the lives of the people you lovedsomuch.”
“That’s not true, son.” His father shook his head. “And you know I loveyoutoo.”
“I know.” His father’s love was something he’d never doubted. Josh just believed he was undeserving of it. “But unlike me, Clarissa was like some magical being who had the ability to spread joy, happiness, and love wherever she went, and Mom was your everything. I felt like I took them away from you.” Josh brought his hands up to his temples as the vein there throbbed under the pressure of hismemories.
His father moved over to sit next to him and rested his hand on his shoulder. “Talk to me. Talking is good.” He offered a soothingsmile.
Josh looked at him and took a moment to steady his emotions. “Mom was the love of your life. You loved her to no end, and I saw you fall in love with her every day. Not many people can say that about their parents, and not many people find love like that. I felt like I took her away from you. Their lives were taken away because of me andfootball.”
His father shook his head as he patted Josh’s shoulder. “It’s easy to blame yourself. But it wasn’t your fault. I blamed myself too. I was the father, the husband. I didn’t have a big game to worry about. You just wanted them there to watch you and be proud like we always were. There was nothing wrong with that. But I could have taken charge and told them not to come, not to drive after a storm. I could have done that. Josh, in all honesty, it was me who should have taken better care. But I never thought anything would happen.” He wiped away a tear that ran down hischeek.
Josh looked him over, finding it hard to believe that he’d blamed himself too. It was the same for Josh. The same for anyone who loved his mother and sister, and felt like they could have done something different to change the course ofevents.
“It wasn’t yourfault,Dad.”
“I know.” He steadied his breathing. “And that’s the most important thing to realize. These things really do just happen, and we have to remember that they wouldn’t want us to suffer the way we have. It will make all the happiness we shared count fornothing.”
Josh nodded in complete agreement. “We should go to the cemetery together. Maybe we could go once amonth.”
“Yes. I think that’s a great idea.” His father smiled. “I’ll be there for all your games, too, as usual, and we can support eachother.”
“I’d like that. I think this season is going to be different than anyother.”
“I see you’re playing the Centaursfirst.”
“Yep, they are serious talent. But I think the season will be different because I’mdifferent.”
“I see.” His fathersmiled.
Josh was different. He was taking things more seriously and trying to do everything by the book. He was trying to change in other ways, too. He looked towards the door and thought of Amy. It was her that helped him to get to this point. She helped in a tremendous way that he couldn’t have been moregratefulfor.
His father followed his gaze and a soft smile spread across his lips. “So, is that a newgirlfriend?”
Josh looked back to his father. “Oh…um no. She’s my…” It didn’t seem right to call her his PA. Besides being insanely attracted to her, Amy had done a lot for him. She’d also awakened something in him that he never thought existed. She wanted slow and he wasn’t used to that. But if he had any sort of chance with her he’d grab the hell out of it. “She’s my PA,” he decidedtosay.
“Your PA?” his fatherhumoredhim.
“Sheis.”
“Okay, I believe you. She’syourPA.”
That chance was something he may never have, but he’d enjoy their little before and after work kissing and flirtingsessions.
