Page 23 of Mailroom Delight
“Are you okay?” She looked me over with concern.
“Do you think I changed after he died?”
“Paige, it’s expected and understandable that you changed.”
“So, I did?” I pressed my lips together.
“Of course, you did. Something like that has to change you.”
Bernice was the only person I’d really spoken to about Paul, but only when I gave her permission to talk about him. Like now.
My parents, my brother, and my sister, all did their best with me. But their best was not saying anything, and that didn’t help me to move on.
It was three years now. Three years since I lost him.
He had a brain tumor. The kind that meant if he’d had an operation he would have lost himself. He would have needed care for the rest of his life, and he didn’t want that.
He found out when he was eighteen, and just accepted one day it would take him. We both went to college, and I married him anyway knowing one day I would lose him. Every year I had with him was a blessing, and when I did lose him, I lost myself too.
The Paige four years ago who was able to write to Tilly and tell her to take a chance on love was deeply in love. She had the purest love because she was in love with an angel.
Back then I almost believed he’d get through it.
I almost believed we’d live our lives to the fullest and grow old together. I just thought somehow the tumor wouldn’t affect him.
But, I was wrong.
I lost him and lost everything that meant something to me. That included that heart Jason talked about.
How hadn’t I noticed?
It felt like the only person who didn’t know what was going on in my life, was me.
Bernice just said I’d changed and as irritated as I felt to admit it, that damned Jason pointed it out too.
“Do you want to talk?” Bernice asked.
“I don’t know what to say. What is there to talk about? It’s not like I can resolve anything. He’s gone.”
“We can talk about how you’re feeling.” She offered.
“I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”
“What brought this on?” She asked now looking curious.
“The lovely Jason Dempsey.”
“Oh.” Bernice laughed a little. “Quite the character, isn’t he? And gorgeous.”
“Bernice.” I scolded. I didn’t need to be reminded, especially right now, that I thought the man was gorgeous too. I felt bad enough as it was.
“I’m sorry. It’s just an observation. Anyway, back to you. Paige, if you’re feeling bad then that’s something to talk about.”
I sighed and ran my hands over my face. “I had that dream again.”
“The one by the lake.” Bernice was well versed in my recurring dream of Paul. “The one where he says…”
“To let him go.” I breathed and focused on her. “I can’t.”
