Page 31 of Mailroom Delight
I had to be honest with myself about this. There must have been some part of me that wanted to see Jason outside of those reasons. A part of me that wanted to give in to the attraction that had sparked between us.
And maybe that was the part of me that wanted some ounce of a normal life. It was the part of me that wanted to feel. It needed to feel wanted, desired, emotions.
Jason had awakened that part of me tonight. It was pure and simply the person I used to be.
That part of me had a name.
It was the old Paige.
The problem was I wasn’t sure awakening her was a good thing, because then I’d really be letting Paul go.
* * *
I didn’t bother to hide the fact something was wrong when I saw Bernice the next day.
As I walked into the mailroom she took one look at me and knew.
I told her everything that happened, and it felt good to get it off my chest.
“Ay dios mios.” She gasped when I finished. She took a sip of her mocha and rested it back on the table.
“Is that all you can say?” I widened my eyes at her.
“Yes. Come on you know that was an oh my God moment. The Spanish was for greater effect. I could also addSanta Mariatoo.”
“This isn’t funny Bernice. He’s my boss.”
Bernice laughed. “You know there’s no restriction on office romance here. And hey, you know that wouldn’t stop most people if such a rule existed. I must also make you aware at least ninety percent of the women here are planning on how they can get their hands on him. Me included, except now that he’s yours, he’s off limits to me.”
“No, he’s not mine. I barely know him.” I thought saying all the things I knew I should be thinking about would help. Like that advice about reading aloud. It did something to your brain to make the information stick better.
“Sweetie, you know you’re talking to me, right? I think I’m the one person you can be real with. You can tell me how you feel, not how you think you should feel.” Bernice stared at me long and perceptive.
“I feel bad.”
“Why?” she glared at me. “The man is super-hot, Paige.”
“I know, but he’s…the last man I was with was Paul. I haven’t been on a date in three years.”
Bernice’s mouth dropped. I knew that would come as a complete shock to her. That was my fault for making her think otherwise. I’d always talked about the guys that asked me out, and I guessed she’d assumed I’d gone out with them.
I didn’t. Again, I wasn’t ready.
“What are you saying to me?”
“I know.”
“I thought you’d dated. I’m sorry I didn’t –”
“No. It was a sensitive subject. You don’t have to apologize.” That really was my fault. It was part of the same problem of my friends and family not knowing when they could talk to me about Paul.
I gave them permission by talking about the subject first, and I figured they’d gaged the conversation based on what I said. Going further and asking for details would maybe seem insensitive on their part.
I thought I’d feel like that if our situations were reversed.
“Paige,” Bernice lowered her voice. “Are you saying you haven’t had sex in three years? Maybe more given the length of time Paul was sick.”
I actually laughed, but then I nodded and brought my hands up to my cheeks.
