Page 43 of Mailroom Delight
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Paige
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His apartment was beautiful.
Beautiful at night with a gorgeous view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the city lights right at our finger tips, almost looking like I could have reached out and touched them through the wall to ceiling glass windows he had in the living room.
It was beautiful in the morning too.
In the bright sunlight I took note of the beige leather furniture that matched the soft silky colors of the walls. He had taste, great taste, and I liked that sophistication and finesse he had about him.
I knew I didn’t need to leave. That was why I’d sat out here in his living room for the last hour just thinking. Part of me wanted to stay, stay wrapped up in his arms. To wake up with Jason and feel the warmth he gave me.
Warmth that filled my heart, mind, body, and soul.
Jason was like food to my soul and I truly enjoyed every moment I spent with him. It was more than the enjoyment, so much more.
Once again, I had to take note of the fact that I’d never experienced the feelings I had with him, with anyone else.
I wanted to stay but those bad feelings I looked for surfaced. They had risen very early as the sun beamed on me with its radiant rays, and not for the reasons I thought.
I was looking to feel bad because Jason was the first man that I’d been with since Paul. However, my uncertainty didn’t lie with just that. There was something else that I never expected.
This thing I had with Jason, whatever it was happened fast, too fast, and backwards almost. We’d never dated properly. I didn’t think we could count the date at the club.
I never got to explore what it was I felt for him before we got to this stage. We’d just gone in full steam on the basis of emotion.
I knew while I may have lost that part of me that had heart-warmth –the part of me that could get lost in emotions like the next romantic – there was a thing called reality that I had to consider.
Jason was my boss, and…
He was only here temporarily. We were just temporary.
When I was with Paul I knew we would be forever, until the day he got sick. I knew I would marry him from the first day I met him, when I was ten.
I’d never been with a man for fun, or temporarily. I’d never taken the advice I dished out, like the crazy advice I gave Bernice.
All I knew was long term, and what you do to make a relationship last.
I knew of love, true love, and I knew that someone would be damned lucky to find it twice.
I didn’t expect that with Jason. I couldn’t because I didn’t know him like that. I’d acted on my desire for him but never looked beyond the point I was at now.
The part where I’d developed these unexpected feelings for him that wanted more than one night, or temporary.
I liked him, I liked him a lot but seeing past anything temporary with him would be a mistake.
On that thought I stood up, took one last look around the apartment, and left with a heavy sadness in my heart.
When I got home I looked at the wedding picture in the living room. My eyes found it and I stood there for what felt like hours just staring.
Again, I was searching for guilt, but it didn’t come.
It didn’t come because I realized I had managed to do exactly what Paul told me.
Or near enough at least.
I let go, slowly, but surely.
I let go.
And, it didn’t mean forgetting like I’d previously believed.
Before Jason I thought that letting go meant forgetting. That was how I let go of things, by forgetting. But, it didn’t mean that at all. It meant opening my heart and not hiding it away from the world.
It was just a shame the man I could see myself taking this big step with was only going to be in my life for such a short amount of time, and I couldn’t expect more from him.
A tear ran down my cheek at that thought.
