Page 28 of Double Edged Hearts
Chapter Seven
Alex
It always rains on this day so I’m not surprised to see the angry gray clouds rolling across the sky, getting ready to unleash a storm.
It fits. All of it. The weather fits my mood and it fits the day.
I look down at Jude’s headstone and rivet my gaze to the date I killed him.
April 16, 2012.
That’s a day that will always be embedded in my mind.
Today is the sixth anniversary of his death.
A single white rose lays on his grave. That’s not from me. It’s always here before I arrive and I have no idea who leaves it.
My mind tells me it’s a woman. Someone he loved. Someone I stole his life away from. I could be wrong, it’s just something my imagination conjured up. But, it’s a feeling I get.
I know for damn sure it’s not one of the guys.
We might have this brotherhood and bond of friendship but Jude did too much evil. There was no forgiveness when it came to him. Only hurt. Sadness caused by his betrayal that stemmed back for years.
I’ve always felt bad because deep down I suspected he was playing sides. Jude was always greedy, always wanted things he couldn’t have. It made him the monster who killed people close and dear to us.
What happened to Claudius was really bad. Jude kidnapped his first wife and handed her over to the enemy who attached a bomb to her and killed her. That was unforgivable. But there was a guy who used to travel with us called Henry. He was a friend to us all. A guy who helped me many times. Jude set him up too and the enemy killed Henry and his family. Henry’s kids were babies, barely five years old. They were poisoned.
That was the extent of Jude’s wickedness.
Everything that happened to us in the past that felt odd, or unexplained in some way when an enemy had an upper hand was him. All Jude’s doing.
Evil.
Everything my brother did was evil and that’s why no one is here with me today.
I don’t blame anybody. I can’t. My situation is different. The guys usually show their support for me in one way or another. But they never come to the cemetery to grieve with me. Never came that day either when I buried him.
I had a private funeral that just included me and a priest, making it easy for everyone so they wouldn’t have to feel awkward.
I’m not sure why I come here myself. It’s inappropriate, but I’m here to remember him as the guy who took care of me when I needed someone. That’s the Jude I choose to remember.
Today is the first I’ve come here with so much shit on my mind. Usually I just come with the guilt in my heart and the loss that always weighs me down.
Today the loss includes Cora because I know deep down I have to forget her.
It’s been four days since I last saw her. I haven’t been able to get my head around all that she said, nor shake the news of her parents from my mind.
As she spoke I could see the agony in her eyes. Through her eyes I saw the pain in her soul and I knew that she must have gone through hell when she heard the truth of what happened.
Nights ago I dropped the comment that she used to run to me. She wouldn’t have run to me then in her state of pain because she saw me as the enemy. The same as her father.
A gangster. No good. Wicked and evil.
Back when we were together, she barely spoke about her parents and when she did there was always a sadness that prevented me from asking more than what she was willing to share. She never even told me how they died. Cora just said it was an accident. I know that hearing the truth must have done a number on her big time and I understand now why she left. I wish I could have been there for her.
I’d be some kind of prick if I didn’t understand that and understand everything else in terms of why she became a fed. And I’d be a prick if I didn’t acknowledge that I understand why she doesn’t want to be with me, or be part of my world.
It all makes sense and after hearing her pour her heart out I should leave her alone. I should allow her to have a normal life and be with a guy who can give her everything she wants.
