Page 16 of Double Edged Hearts
“Where did you go, Goddess?”
“Europe. I went to Europe,” I answer.
I remember getting on that plane that day feeling like a shell. Like I was just on autopilot, going through the motions but not really there in my mind. I booked a one way ticket to England. That was the first flight I could take to get away. To flee from the truth.
“I looked for you everywhere for two years,” he confesses and my chest constricts. “Everywhere I could I looked, refusing to believe you died. I thought I’d feel it. I thought that’s how I’d know for sure. I’d feel something. It never happened and the day I found you in LA it hit me that you just didn’t want to be found.”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes. I didn’t know he went through so much. “You saw me in LA?”
“Yeah. I guess I’m like a dog waiting for its master to cut him loose. Fortunately, this dog knew when to cut his leash. So I did that day and left you alone. I figured if you wanted to see me you would, eventually.”
“I’m really sorry.” I sound like a broken record.
“So…you gonna tell me what happened? Put me out of my misery?” That smile comes back to his handsome face.
I release a slow ragged sigh and glance down at the marble flooring. I don’t have the strength to go down the road of truth tonight but I know I have to tell him something. He deserves to have some form of explanation.
“I got some news and I had to go away.” That’s the mildest way to put it and the summary in a nutshell.
“What kind of news?”
I run a hand through my hair and shake it. “I can’t… I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s the kind of news that makes you want to run away.”
Worry etches his brows. “You used to run to me.”
“This was different.”
I press my lips together and look him over. He’s still the same guy and he’s right. I did used to run to him. But learning the truth about my parents deaths quite literally turned my world upside down.
That was what it was. Richard came to me with the truth behind how my parents died and with it came the knowledge that if I wanted my life to be different to theirs I couldn’t be with Alex.
“I shouldn’t have gone to our spot. I was just curious…” My voice trails off. There were several reasons why I went. It wasn’t until after I’d gone that I cursed myself. “Alex, I’m a fed.”
He straightens up. “Why? To please your uncle?Richard?”
The question throws me. If there’s anyone who can see straight through me it’s Alex. He knew about Richard from the start. I told him how much Richard wanted me to join the Bureau and how much I didn’t want to.
“No,” I answer steeling my spine but I sound weak. It’s not surprising. What I said I wanted to do with my life and what I did were two different things.
“No? I remember you saying that private investigation was the closest thing you could think of that suited your abilities. But you’d be your own boss. You hated being controlled by anybody. Most of all you didn’t want to be a fed. What happened to that girl?”
“The Bureau is an organization that’s more me,” I decide to say, defensibly.
“As opposed to what you did before? I’m pretty sure you aren’t getting to make full use of those skills of yours.” He gives me a dubious look.
“That’s not the point. I’m using my skills for good. That’s the point.” That was exactly the point.
What I used to do when I hacked computers and did all manner of shit could have landed me behind bars for a very long time. It’s called cybercrime. That was what it was no matter what I wanted to call it.
No one is supposed to be able to hack any system they want without a trace, no matter what the system is. Nobody is supposed to be able to do that, but I can and I did. Such a thing shouldn’t be allowed, and when I wanted to set up my business I didn’t plan on being legit. Of course I would never work for people who were evil or those deemed to be the worse of the bunch, but I planned to do what was necessary to get a job done, no matter what it took. Almost like a vigilante who used their own methods outside of the law to solve a problem.
“You did use your skills for good Cora. That’s the way I remember it.” He nods with conviction and I wish he wouldn’t. “Every time my people have needed you, were times when people’s lives were in serious danger. You saved a lot of lives.”
“I’m saving more lives this way,” I say firmly, although to be honest I haven’t done shit in the way of saving anyone since I became a fed.
I’ve worked on a number of terrorism investigations and every single one of them have been instances where the criminals have already dealt the blow of death to hundreds. Sure, I’ve stopped the perpetrators and their either dead or behind bars, but I don’t have the satisfaction of knowing I helped because the damage has already been done.
“What are you trying to do? Are you going to convince me that I shouldn’t be a fed?” I throw back. I can’t have this conversation with him. I wrestle with my career as much as I wrestle with my feelings for him practically every day. It’s an ongoing cycle.
