Page 30 of Double Edged Hearts
He’s right. “I blame myself Donny. I pulled the trigger but fuck… I blame myself for more than that because I should have said something before it got to that stage. Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten in so much trouble.”
“Maybe… maybe not. It’s not something you can blame yourself for. Jude was his own person and a strong character. There’s not a damn thing anybody could have said to change his mind when he decided he was going to do something. So don’t even go there. He was your brother. You knew what he was like.”
I nod. The rain comes now. It starts with a light drizzle that quickly gets heavier. I look up at the sky and run a hand over my head.
“Come on, I think that means it’s time to go,” Donny adds.
“Yeah,” I agree.
I take one last look at the grave as the rain beats down on the flower, drenching it. Some of the petals fall off.
I wish Jude wasn’t six feet under and I wish things had worked out differently.
I’ll always, always feel bad for what I did, but I feel even worse that he betrayed me too with his actions.
He would have known that it was only a matter of time that someone would end him.
That person was me.
