Page 145 of Sins or Secrets
“No. This was never about me.Never. Ten years ago, I never got the chance to do anything about a situation that was just thrown on me, and it’s the same thing now.The difference between then and now is I know what’s going on, and I want the best for you.I want you to have your dream and have the happiness you want, even if that’s not with me.”
“Logan I’m happy with you.”
“If I was what you wanted we wouldn’t be talking about this and that’s why I don’t want to talk about this.It’s selfish.”
“Why is it selfish to tell me how you feel?”
“Quinn… baby, the fact of the matter is one of us has to make a choice.And it can’t be you. Is that what you want me to tell you?Or do you want to hear how I’ve been thinking of giving up a job that’s going to be a game changer for me, so I can follow you to New York?”
“Don’t you dare do that,” I cry.
“Quinn I barely see you now and it’s going to get worse.This is it. You see me first thing in the morning and last thing at night.Late at night. If I keep this contract this is what it’s going to be for the next eight months and they’re talking about another job.I won’t be able to go and come to New York if I want to.”
“Don’t you dare give up that job, Logan.” I’d feel so bad if he did that.“That’s not what I meant for you to do.”
He raises his shoulders. “So what am I meant to do?When I first took that job, I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. Now I don’t even care about it because, what’s the point in changing one half of your life when the thing that matters most is gone?”
“So that leaves me.”
“Yeah I guess it does.”
This is the part where I should know the answer to what I want.But good old fear comes back tenfold and slams into my soul.
He’s willing to sacrifice his job and I won’t let him.I have the choice and I’m afraid again.
Afraid I might make the wrong choice, more afraid that if I chose him it might not work out.
That’s the basis of this decision.
Us.
Me and him and he’s giving me control just like he did when we agreed to get together months ago.
We stare at each other for a few moments and he steps away from the counter with defeat in his eyes.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Quinn.I think you’ve already made your choice, you just have to own it.We said no strings right?”
With that he walks out of the kitchen and the next thing I hear is the front door closing.
I close my eyes at the same time, not quite believing I’m here again in this same spot afraid of love.
I go through the rest of the day on autopilot, hoping I’ll fix myself by the time he gets home.
Except, Logan doesn’t come home.
Chapter 47
Logan
“Vodka on the rocks,” I say to the bartender who comes to take my order.
“Sure thing.” He saunters away to make my drink and comes back a few minutes later with it.
I drink straight away allowing the acrid liquid to burn my throat, making me feel something more than what I feel in the level of shit I’ve fallen into.
At this point I would rather drill a hole in my head than feel that fucked up feeling of rejection that tormented me for too many years.
Damn it. This drink is going to push me over my limit, so I won’t be driving home again tonight.
