Page 69 of Sins or Secrets
The bright morning sun beams down on Logan, and I study his face.
He’s still sleeping, and from the deep sleep, he appears to be in I don’t think he’s going to wake anytime soon.
I’ve been lying in his arms for the last hour or so thinking.
Thinking and watching. Savoring and pretending this is my life.
Earlier I pretended this was ten years ago and none of the bad stuff ever happened.I pretended this was one of those mornings I’d lain in his arms before sneaking back to my parents' house.
Then a bubble of delight even surfaced in me when I thought about how I didn’t have to sneak back to anywhere anymore.
I lay here watching the man I loved so much and the thousand things I wanted us to do with the life we were supposed to have together played through my mind.
As the morning brightens the sunlight dances on Logan's skin making him look angelic, but this man is anything but an angel.
The way he took me last night over and over again would make him the devil.
Claimed is what I would call last night.I feel claimed. But can you really claim something or someone who always belonged to you.
I’ve always felt like I belonged to him.The same as I’ve always felt like I was stolen away from him.But that’s not true either, because I was the one who lied.
Over the years I’ve asked myself if there wasn’t another way, and I ask myself the same thing now.
The same answer comes back to me because I knew what was at stake if I didn’t lie.
But what’s stopping me now?
My father can’t hurt Logan anymore and everything he fought so hard to protect has fallen apart.
Bree was right in her assumptions that what happened was all so awful that I can’t talk about it.But the thing that’s getting to me now is fear.
I am broken. My heart is broken in so many ways and I don’t think I could survive if it broke again.And I just feel so…
I don’t know what the word is but it’s not good.
Going down this path with Logan is going to lead me right back to where I started with him and I don’t know what I’d do if things didn’t work out between us,or if I managed to tell him the truth and he hated me for it.
What if I told him what happened to the baby, and he hates me for it?
The stab in my chest makes me sit up and as much as it hurts me to do what I’m about to do next, I know I have to do it.
I never get what I want, even if the man I want wants me too.There will always be something standing in the way and this time it’s me.
So I leave.
I go to the lake house and I must have been there a little over an hour before the rumble of a motorcycle poured through the windows.
Logan’s footsteps marching through the house is what I hear next.Then he's in the kitchen with me.
Guilt clenches my insides because he doesn’t just look pissed.He looks hurt too.
“Why did you leave?” he demands, cutting straight to the point.“You know damn well you didn’t need to so don’t bullshit me.”
I stand because sitting in the chair makes me feel like I can’t talk.My stomach is in too many knots and I can’t breathe.
“I can’t do this with you Logan.”
“Do what? What are we doing? It’s always good to be clear right so I don’t make the fucking mistake of thinking we’re something we aren’t.I don’t want to be the idiot again who didn’t realize we weren’t in love.”
