Page 105 of Until You Say Stay
“You will when you’re ready.” She hugs me tight. “You’ll figure this out. I know you will.”
“Love you,” I say into her shoulder.
“Love you too,” she says, pulling back to look at me. “And seriously, text me. Even if it’s just to freak out more.”
“I will.”
The door closes behind her and suddenly the apartment feels too quiet. I’m back to being alone with my thoughts and my laptop and the tracks that sound nothing like me.
I spend the rest of the evening trying to work on the songs, practicing them, seeing if maybe I can find some way to make them feel more authentic. But every time I sing along, every time I try to connect with the lyrics the way I used to, it feels off.
By the time I finally give up and close my laptop, it’s after midnight and I’m no closer to feeling confident about this decision than I was this morning.
Ugh. I need to sleep. Stop thinking about this for five minutes.
I drag myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My phone buzzes on the counter and I glance down, hoping it’s Jack since I’ve barely heard from him today. His texts have been weirdly short all week, just quick replies between whatever Grand Prix obligations he’s got going on.
It’s a local number I don’t recognize, but my stomach drops when I see the name.
It’s Brandon. New local cell. Saw this. Thought you should know what kind of guy you’re dating now. Hope you’re very happy!
There’s a link to a video.
No. Absolutely not. Brandon texting me is never good news, which is why I’ve had him blocked for two years. Brandon texting me with a video about Jack? That’s a nightmare I wasn’t prepared for tonight.
I should delete it.
But my finger hovers over the link. And then I’m clicking it because apparently I’m a glutton for punishment and terrible at making decisions.
It’s Jack at a party. I recognize the outfit immediately, the same one from that Monaco video that went viral months ago, the one that caused all his sponsor problems. But why would Brandon send me this? I’ve already seen the Monaco video. Everyone saw it. It was everywhere when it first came out. We talked all about it when Jack first explained what happened.
I’m about to close it when something catches my eye. The video length at the bottom of the screen.Ten minutes and forty-three seconds.
That can’t be right. My finger hovers over the play button.
The original Monaco video was maybe thirty seconds long. Just a quick clip of Jack standing near a table with drugs visible in the background. Bad enough for his sponsors to completely freak out, but explainable. He told me the whole story. Five minutes max, in and out to grab Sofia for Luca, just terrible timing with someone’s camera.
But this is ten minutes. Ten minutes I’ve never seen before. Ten minutes that Brandon somehow got his hands on and decided I needed to see. I can see the likes are already at over a hundred thousand.Fuck.
There’s this pull in my chest, this horrible curiosity I can’t shake. Like watching a car crash happen in slow motion. Why would this be going viral again? What’s on this video that wasn’t on the first one? Some part of me wants to just delete it,block Brandon’s new number, go to bed and pretend this never happened…
I hit play.
Jack walks into the party and immediately starts greeting people like he knows them. Handshakes and those half-hug things guys do, actually smiling and laughing at something someone says. He looks comfortable here. Relaxed. Like this is a party he wants to be at, not somewhere he reluctantly showed up to rescue his teammate’s drunk little sister.
Someone hands him a beer and he takes it without hesitation, takes a drink, and keeps talking with people. My stomach twists. He’s not rushing around looking for Sofia. Not scanning the crowd like someone on an urgent mission. He told me that he was in and out. But he’s just standing there talking, laughing with people who clearly know him, looking completely at ease.
The camera pans and I can see that table. The one with cocaine on it, people bent over it doing lines like it’s casual background noise at a house party. Jack’s standing right there. Not doing lines but chatting with people who are.
This doesn’t look like a rescue mission. This looks like Jack at a party doing exactly what Jack does at parties. This looks like the cautionary tale about the player who parties too hard and leaves broken hearts everywhere he goes.
The video keeps playing and I can’t look away even though I want to. Even though some part of me is screaming to stop watching right now, that whatever comes next is going to hurt. A woman approaches him. Tall and gorgeous in that effortless model way that makes me feel instantly, viscerally inadequate. The kind of woman who probably doesn’t even own sweatpants, who looks like she stepped out of a magazine spread even when she’s stumbling drunk in heels that cost more than my rent.
She pulls him down and kisses him. The video cuts off right there.
I watch it again. My finger hits replay before I can stop myself, like maybe I saw it wrong the first time. Like maybe if I watch again it’ll be different, it won’t hurt as much, I’ll see something that makes this okay.
But all I see is the easy way he moves through that crowd like he belongs there. The fact that he doesn’t look surprised when that woman kisses him, doesn’t look uncomfortable, just looks like Jack at a party where beautiful women throw themselves at him.
