Page 45 of Sunshine
“How often does Izzy speak to her mother?” Poppy asks.
“Once a week on Tuesday nights before bed, but I thought maybe, given the special circumstances…”
“That she might make an extra effort this week?”
“Yeah.”
The hollow of disappointment in my stomach tightens suddenly, morphing into a familiar pang of guilt. Where’s my head at? I can’t give Izzy the mother she deserves, and now I’ve badmouthed the only mother she has. As a rule, I don’t do that, even where Izzy can’t hear. Annalise upholds her end of our bargain. It’s not her fault I sometimes wish she’d do more.
“It’s not like I suggested it,” I add. “And Annalise is so busy. I think she’s in the UK working on a big case. It might not even be daylight there. I don’t keep track of world time.”
Poppy rests a reassuring hand on my forearm, and I stare at it, wondering how her touch can both soothe and excite me all at once.
“Izzy has you,” she says. “And you’re doing a great job.”
I nod and try to believe it. “Thank you.”
Silence stretches between us, and I’m suddenly aware of how close we’re standing, our heads together to better hear our whispered words. Poppy’s hand remains on my arm, and she looks up at me through her lashes like she’s caught in suspension, neither of us wanting to move and break the connection. Distractedly, I glide my tongue along my bottom lip, remembering her thumb slipping inside, her hand cradling my jaw, her fingers sliding through my hair. Poppy’s gaze drops to my mouth, and she catches her top lip between her teeth.
I wish I knew what was going on between us. Is it a chemical attraction? Is it sexual frustration? Is it the thrill of misbehaving, doing something bad and getting away with it, when all I’ve ever done is the right thing?
I wish I didn’t want to do the wrong thing so fucking much.
“Is it time to go yet?’ Izzy asks, startling me and causing Poppy to yank her hand away.
It takes effort to break eye contact, but I manage it with a smile for Izzy. “Uh, yeah. It is.”
“Just one more thing.” Poppy reaches around to swipe my phone from my back pocket. “Let me take a photo of you in your cute new uniform next to your dad, who just told me how proud of you he is today.”
Izzy lights up, and I mouth a silent thank you to Poppy, who winks in return. I stand with my daughter in the hallway, my hand resting gently on her back, and smile like this is what a happy family is supposed to look like. Like it doesn’t kill me that for all the important milestones in her life so far, I’ve celebrated them alone.
Poppy hands me my phone, then collects Izzy’s backpack from the floor and helps her settle it on her shoulders.
“I can’t wait to hear all about your first day,” Poppy says. “Make sure you remember as many details as possible because I’m going to have a hundred questions when I collect you this afternoon.”
Izzy raises her eyebrows skeptically. “A hundred? Really?”
“At least.” Poppy fixes Izzy’s hair, pulling the ponytail free from where it’s caught under the strap of her bag. “But I’ll divide them up so it’s not overwhelming. We’ll do twenty on the way to your trumpet lesson. Another twenty on the way home. I’ll save the next twenty until you’ve finished your Spanish revision, and then we’ll cover the final twenty during bath time.”
“That’s only eighty questions,” Izzy protests.
“Is it?” Poppy sends me an indulgent glance that I return with a grin. “I guess I need to work on my math.”
Poppy pulls Izzy against her for a hard hug, and her eyes close for a moment, like she’s wishing for good things. It’s a little thing, but I’m swamped with gratitude. I’m lucky to have Poppy in my corner today.
Poppy kisses the top of Izzy’s head before she steps back. “Have a great day, Iz. Remember all the things we talked about, okay?”
“Venture outside your comfort zone,” Izzy recites seriously. “The rewards are worth it.”
“Rapunzel,” Poppy says with an approving sweep under Izzy’s upturned chin. “Atta girl.”
I reach for Izzy’s hand, but as I move to the front door, her feet stay rooted to the spot, and her fingers tighten around mine.
“Aren’t you coming?” she asks Poppy with a little tremor in her voice.
“Oh, honey.” Poppy crouches down so she’s at eye level with Izzy. “This is a family moment. I’m not sure it’s—”
“No,” I say.
