Page 47 of After the Fire
“I know the feeling.” Defeat. Impotence.
“There’s not much we can do now,” she said.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I guess.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s actually fine, surprisingly.” My bubble was bursting, maybe in slow motion. I could see the place it popped around me, but the actual residue still lingered around. Just like the consequences of the actions we took.
“What are you thinking?” She cocked her head and looked at me, breathing rapidly and absentmindedly rubbing her belly. “Sorry I spit that out too fast.”
“I don’t know. I think I need to sit on this for a while.” We sat there in silence for a few minutes, Cata on her living room couch, me on my room’s loveseat, just staring into nothing. “Tell my brother, then call me, okay?”
“Yeah,” she replied quickly, still looking behind her phone screen and lost in thought. “I’ll call you later.”
23
THE RUN-IN
My first instinctwas to run. It was what I’d done every single time things got difficult around me. It was primal at this point, second nature. I naïvely told Catalina that I was fine, that everything was okay, but the only thing I could think about was how much deceit I’d grown up around. Evidently, my grandfather was not the man he was said to be, not by him and not by Susana. I wanted to run, but I wanted to run to him. Run to Santiago and tell him everything I’d just heard.
The man had the ability to read my mind, because within minutes, there was a knock on my door. I heard it once, twice, so patient on the other side of the door, but I was numb. Numb with uncertainty, with not being able to take a step—both literally and figuratively.
Knock knock.Pause.Knock knock.
I took a small step, then another, and walked to the door. I opened it wide, turning immediately towards the living room. He followed in my footsteps, walking faster to catch up to me. I felt him hovering behind me, unsure if he should touch me or not.
“What’s going on?” He grabbed my elbow and pulled me to him, his long arms wrapping around my body. I rested my cheek on his chest, his breathing steady and calming. “Are you okay?”
I smiled at this generous, kind man, who had been consistently concerned about me since I arrived in this town, even when I’d been aloof and annoyed by him. “Shit just keeps piling on, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. I need to talk to my grandmother, and I’m avoiding it,” I said matter-of-factly.“Cata just—” I took one more deep breath. “Cata just walked me through a bunch of things that happened with my grandfather, and I’m so, so confused.”
But no tears came, just a heavy realization that my life had imploded on me, and that this was the moment where it finally turned. Was the fire extinguished? Or was it merely steadying, still burning in the background?
“Hey,” he said, his voice muffled by my hair. “I’m here.”
“Why?” I blurted, not even thinking about where this would go next. “Why are you here? We never got along back then.”
I felt him chuckle, his hands slowly trailing up and down my back and his body moving slowly to a silent song. His breathing was still even, grounding me to the moment. He took a deep breath, then let me go and took a step back.
“What are you talking about, Vee?”
“Back then,” I said. “It was awkward between us, tense. I don’t know.” I breathed in deeply. “It’s like from the moment we met, we couldn’t stand each other.”
He smiled sweetly then shoved his hands in his pockets. “You have it all wrong.”
I frowned, confused at his response. “No, I don’t,” I said in a childish way.
“Yep, you do.”
“I’m not tracking.”
“Are you sure you want to have this conversation now?” he said calmly. His voice was firm, realistic with a hint of amusement.“It seems to me that you just received a lot more bad news. Perhaps it’s not the right time.”
“What conversation is there to have?”
He grinned at me and took a step forward, cradling my face with his big hands. “I’ve always had a thing for you. Isn’t that obvious? But you never let me in. You were always so exasperated, annoyed by every single word I used to say.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes at him because that had once been true. But not anymore. I was now enthralled by him.
