Page 58 of After the Fire
Before what?
It made me sad for everything I never had and never knew I needed.
Like him.
“I think she’s right.” To a certain extent, what Susana said was true. I had the life I had because of her choices. She forged the path and made way for everything I had. So I guess I could understand her. “I am who I am today because of her.”
“I disagree,” he huffed. He wasn’t looking at me, but instead his gaze was fixed somewhere behind my shoulder. His thumb was still moving in a soothing way, his hand burning hot on mine. I shivered. “You are incredibly driven, ambitious. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you, Vee. You are one hundred percent you.”
My cheeks were burning. When did this man begin to read me the way he did? I rolled my eyes, and he smiled, his eyes fixed on my lips.
“Just let your grandmother go, Victoria,” he said quietly as he moved closer to me and reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. His thumb grazed my earlobe, and goosebumps erupted on my skin. “You have to stop letting her rule your life.”
“What do you mean? She’s the only one I have. She’s the only one that has consistently cared for me.”
“What about Cata? Your brother?” he asked. He tilted his head to the side, looking straight at me. “I care. You have me. You’ll always have me, Vee.”
I had no idea what to do with that; my heart was hammering so loudly in my chest that the only thing I could hear was my blood rushing to my brain, all thoughts overtaken by the noise.
“Santiago, you and I are an illusion. You know that. We don’t exist outside of this town.” I cringed as soon as those words came out of my mouth. What we had was good, but it was a bubble. A fling. It was fun. It was perfect, but temporary.
“Are you hallucinating, Vee? I’ve been waiting for you for ten fucking years. Since that first day I saw you. Haven’t you realized by now?” My breath caught. He took a step back from me, dropping my hand as he grabbed his head, pulling at his hair with both hands. I averted his eyes, instead focusing on the suitcase on the bed and the clothes strewn about the room. “Look at me.”
He looked defeated, exhausted. He was looking at me intently, like he was trying to communicate so much more. His eyes softened as he sighed.
“What are we doing, Victoria?”
“Weare not doing anything.Wedon’t exist.” We were in this bubble, the forced proximity playing with our brains. We were just getting to know each other in this awful, constructed context. “You don’t even know me, Santiago! We lead very different lives. We are very different people.”
“Then what are you still doing here, Vee?” he asked. “Because if this—us—doesn’t exist, then you should have run by now, no?” His tone was filled with anger. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair once more, then dropped his hands to his side and curled them into fists.
“What are you talking about?” I stood tall and faced him, my arms crossed over my chest, guarding my heart. The cold air was suffocating, the silence following my question deafening.
“Stop running away,” he said in a rush. I took a step forward, and he moved back, allowing more distance between us.
“I’m not running away. I’m choosing to go.”
His face crumpled.“Why? Why are you choosing to go? Why are you so scared of things—good things, even—out of your control that you don’t even give them a chance?” He took a deep breath and swallowed. I blinked at him, wanting to tell him everything but also nothing at all. Because Susana was right. Because my life was moving on without me, and I didn’t recognize the woman I suddenly saw in the mirror. The woman that Santiago saw in front of him.
“You are such a hypocrite, you know?” he added, his voice raised and agitated. The Santiago I got to know during my stay in this town was nowhere to be seen. In his place was an emotional man, reactive instead of constructive with his words.
“Look who’s talking! You preach about how I should be making my own decisions, but you’re stuck in your ways too. At least I recognize that I’m not capable of making decisions without having the approval of my family, but you are stuck in the wrong one and refuse to make a change, evolve.”
I hit the nail on the head. He retreated a few steps back, his breath fast and erratic.
“I can’t do this, Santiago. I’m tired of feeling like this.” Like no one was on my side, like this was not my life. Maybe going back home was exactly what I needed. I gained perspective here. Maybe it’d happen again if I wasthere.“I’m not like you, okay?”
“Like what?”
“Like this! All free and giving with your feelings. And so comfortable anywhere. Happy with things not turning out how you want them to. Able to make your own decisions without anyone caring what they mean.”
“Victoria.” He swallowed audibly. “What do you think life is? It’s not a master plan where we can control every step of the way. It doesn’t work that way.” His shoulders slumped, and he fisted his hands. He was rarely frustrated, but today it was very visible. His eyes were a dark, deep blue, darker than I’d seen them before. He clenched his jaw and flexed his fingers, then took a deep breath.
“No, don’t you dare.”
“You have no idea what I’m going to say,” he said quietly. He looked broken, his eyes barely meeting mine. We were still facing each other, my hands still crossed over my chest defensively.
“Yes, you were going to say what everyone else thinks about me. That I was born into this easy life, given everything served to me on a silver platter.” I raised my voice, the volume completely unnecessary for the conversation we were having. I turned my body and faced the bed again, trying to do something with my hands, trying to avoid this conversation at all costs. “I know how you feel about me. I get it.”
